Sinking in spite of the good stuff

I am realizing that I am sinking into a pretty bad depression right now.  It is one of those seasonal things that happens every Autumn, as October is not a great month for me.  Problem is, it is worse this year because of the anniversary of my brother's death last year. Let me backtrack for context.   October 6, 1977: while pregnant with my older son, and mom to a 15 month old adorable baby girl, I was going from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania to visit my parents when my father died suddenly in the kitchen of the house I grew up in.  I was Daddy's girl and just devastated about it.   October 23, 1978, my father-in-law committed suicide.  My husband and I were only 20 years old.  When we went home to take care of the arrangements, my husband sent me to stay at my mom's because he did not want to be with me, or the kids. October 12, 1979:  I have a major car accident in New York State, while driving on the Tappan Zee Bridge, en route to Massachuesetts, with my two little ones in the backseat.  My husband refused for hours to come get us, and left me there to fend for myself.  He was in Massachusetts, and my mom was in Pennsylvania. October 15, 1982:  Son, Sean, is born.  Pregnancy was not welcome, as my husband told me if I did not get an abortion, he would divorce me.  He moved out of our bedroom and was verablly abusive throughout the pregnancy.  I had no medical insurance and had some trouble with bleeding afterward.  (He was 10 pounds 8 ounces at birth and I delivered naturally.  Second 10 pound baby for me.) As a result of these things happening so long ago, I have always struggled with October.  Then, last year, on October 22nd, I got the call from the emergency room that my brother, my baby brother, age 40 was there.  When I got there, they told me he was dead.  Neil never even knew that my daughter was pregnant.  He didn't get to go to Christopher's wedding.  He didn't get to see my success with the weight loss, and he was my biggest advocate.  He came to the hospital everyday and went walking with me.  When he would come over to visit, he would say, "Hi Skinny."  He even gave me a stuffed kitten that had a band-aid on its belly when I was in the hospital.  God how I miss him. So, I have been having panic attacks now that the weather is starting to change.  Who else is going to die in October?   To make it even more morbid, my birthday is November 1st.  Last year, my family was so depressed about burying Neil a week before, they just took me to Panera Bread for soup for dinner.  There was nothing to celebrate last year.  This year is supposed to be a great birthday, as I will be 50.  In years past, we have had big parties for the celebrants on their 50th, or 40ths.  I am not even looking forward to it, and not because of my age either.  I actually did look forward to 50 a year ago.  One of the reasons I had the surgery when I did was because I did not want to turn 50 fat.  I also had my son's wedding to look forward to.  I had no clue I was going to become a grandmother, but Isabel was just the icing on the cake.   I am really spiraling downward and not sure how to stop it.  I feel as if all of the grief I have been storing up for the past year is just going to spill out on me tonight.  I am so afraid of how I feel right now.  I have had thoughts of hurting myself because of how intense the pain is.  I won't.  I don't want to act out, I just don't want to hurt anymore.   Love, Trish

Trish, call your sponsor...find a meeting...Make it a point to go to the early one tomorrow if you can! I'm here for you just as you've been there for me so many times.  We all have things to work through, and you'll do ok....you always land on top! Love, Marie

Thanks Marie, I hope to get up on time for my meeting tomorrow.  I have been so tired this week, and I am not sure if it is the B-12 anemia, the depression, starting school this past two weeks, or a combination of all of them that is getting to me.   I appreciate your love and support more than you know. Hugs, Trish

FIRST.. ((((((((((((((TRISHA)))))))))))) BIG HUGS.. Thank you for sharing... my heart hurts for all that you've been thru.. how sad that so much pain has to occur in one month and that it's soon here.  The only good thing I see from all this occuring in 1 month, is that at least 11 months out of the year you can be happy.   You know many of us on this board.. if not all of us.. want to be there for you.  Please get to a meeting.. and I know that I and many others will give you our phone number (if you don't have it all ready).. and you can make it a night of calling friends.. new friends.. friends whom you've never met but who share so mu*****ommon with you that it's scary.. actually not scary.. but beautiful~!!   I will email/PM you my phone number.. I hope others do also..  we will have a phone-chain of love and support for you.. call as needed!!  Hopefully your evening will pass knowing a feeling of being loved rather than hurt.  

Thanks Rhonda, I put your phone numbers in my cell.   I did get to the meeting this morning.  It was good because a lady showed up and it was her first meeting.  Her brother regularly attends the meeting and she had gone to a rehab yesterday, but chickened out right before being admitted.  We gave her a phone list and encouraged her to keep coming back. Tonight, I am going to a Women's Bible Study I attend every other week.  I have off from work the next two days, so I can get myself organized and my apartment tidied. I will put any other phone numbers in my cell.  I will call you, believe me I will.   I love you, and everyone else here.  You guys, gals, are the best. Love, Trish

Trish,  I'm sending a few of my angels on loan your way :)  I don't know how it works, but they seem to bring peace to other people when I ask them to do so.  I'm wishing that for you now. Sometimes I feel like I'm metaphorically walking on the ledge of a 50 story skyscraper with buttered ballet slippers on my feet.  It's like I wonder if I'm going to slip off into the void of sheer and utter insanity.  I just have to remind myself that it's temporary. I think I've always been affected by seasonal depressive disorder myself.  I always use the phrase, "the autumn of my discontent".  Your experiences sure put mine into perspective, but I can relate to how the emotions get wacky during that time of year. I'm so glad you share - your ES&H  **really really really** help me. love you, Michelle