I need to reach out for help!

I had weight loss surgery in May of 2006 and then had a bowel obstruction one month later.  Previous to the surgery I had used alcohol on a regular basis, but it didn't rule my life...  Since the surgery, ( which was a success BTW, in fact I am still losing weight and don't really want or need to which scares me too)  I am consumed by the idea of when I will have my next glass of white wine and of course I can never stop at just one.  The smaller I get the more the alcohol hits me, but it doesn't seem to stop me from wanting more. Before, I would always drink at home with my husband, but after it got bad and my family was on my case to quit, I started to drink away from home, at work during the day, at work after hours, in the car.  God, I never thought I would say that!  I have been trying lots of things to come to grips with this.  I see a therapist regularly, my primary care doctor is aware of everything, I am going to AA meetings regularly.  I feel like as the pounds have come off, I have been peeled down to a raw nerve and the only relieft I find is the numbing of the wine.  I am also on an antidepressant, and an anti-anxiety drug which don't seem to do a whole lot.  Of course I know that the alcohol completely conteracts that. This weekend I was at a new AA meeting and people were speaking about a woman from this group who had died of her addiction at 40 years old!!!!!  I obviously didn't know her, but there were many scary parallels to my situation, she lived in the community my 6 year old attends school in, worked in the same field as I do, human services and had a small daughter.  I can't stop thinking about this woman and the suffering she had.  My therapist says to get to meetings which I am doing while I attempt to cut back, but my family is loing patience with me and my college graduate daughter who just moved back home (that's a whole other story OMG!) has no concept of addiction as an illness and just sees me as a complete and utter failure. Any advice out there?  I need all the help I can get.

I wish I could provide some answers but all I can do is think how closely your situation is to my own.  If nothing else please know that you are not alone and that this board is one of the best things I have found (even though I generally lurk).  I am still on the downslope sliding fast but after reading the comments here it helps to slow me down if nothing else.

I am not sure how much help I can be either. I sat down the other day (as my psych made me) and wrote down all the things I have been addicted to in my life: 1979-92 - Cocaine  and speed(quit when I was pregnant with my two children - but went back after they were about a year old...) 1992-2004 - FOOD (Hey - it is legal....) 1992-2004 - Sex (Hey - it is legal generally - but I was doing multiple partners, group sex, etc.) 2004-5 - I was sober of everything - as that is the honeymoon period of our RXY and then I had that first drink in mid 2005 and have been drinking since then. I too drank at work, on the road, etc. Been through rehab twice in the past year. I recently got on a new batch of meds - and am hoping they will help - have not had a drink for a couple of months. The issue is NOT the substance - it is a combination of 2 things - One admitting that you have an addictive personality and learning how to deal with that and the other is determing what propelled you to use the addictive substance. It is a one day at a time journey. I know what has helped me the past few months is finding a sponser who has a similar job to mine and is close to my age. Seems to help. I have also had to sit down w/ my spouse and children and tell them they have to understand it is a disease. If we had cancer - they would not react the way they do - so we need to help them understand the reality of addiction. One last note - I saw that you mentioned you work in the human services field (as do I). One thing I have learned in the past 2 years is that those of us who are caregivers by choice - tend to never care for ourselves. I had to resign from my job as a counselor - so that I can work on taking care of myself.... Good luck. Anne

Hi Carol.. welcome to the board.  My name is Rhonda and have been sober since 11/18/06 thru the help of my God.. and AA. I'm sorry you are having a hard time struggling.. I'm glad to read that you are attending AA meetings..  I would recommend to continue those.. keep praying to your Higher Power.. and try to listen with an open mind.   If you are still drinking (and cannot stop) I would recommend an inpatient rehab.  Just to remove you from the bottle until you are able to detox..  so that your body doesn't HAVE to have the alcohol in it's system.  Also to learn about the disease.. (knowledge is wonderful).. they will also teach you ways to deal and cope with this disease.   And then follow up with AA and even outpatient aftercare..  also there are prescription drugs that aid in the "craving" of alcohol.. one is a shot.. (don't remember the name of it.) but can probably find it online/google.. and another is the drug used by smokers to help them to quit.. called Chantix.  There was an article that this also assists in those addicted to alcohol.  Not that they are a cure all.. but sources that may help when used with other sources.  If you don't have a sponsor I recommend that.. I personally don't have one.. and really need to ask for one to help me also. and please keep coming back here..  we love hearing how you are.  Take care

Hi and welcome, I am Trish and I have been sober, free of all alcohol, since September 25, 2001.  Prior to that, I had over 8 years of sobriety, but threw it away for a few years. I agree with Rhonda about seeing if you can get off the alcohol in rehab for a while.  This would give your body a chance to get off the chemical part of the addiction.  Then, in AA, you can learn to live sober, and work the 12 steps.  It is possible to stop drinking without rehab, I did it.   My suggestion is to get a sponsor in AA, and call her every single day.  Also, get phone numbers and call the women instead of drinking.  If you want to quit bad enough, you will go to any length to stop, and that means calling people instead of drinking.  That is what I had to do.  It did work for me.   Feel free to PM if you need to talk. Hugs, Trish

Hi Carol,

I really admire your honesty and courage. It's really true when they say the biggest step is admitting the addiction. I've been sober for almost seven years now. I've been cross-addicted but the primary is alcohol.

It sounds like you are doing the right things so far. I also recommend you get an AA sponsor immediately. She will understand exactly where you are and what you need to do because she has also been there. If we could cure ourselves, we wouldn't need anyones help. I hated reaching out for help and thought for way too long that I could figure things out by myself. Luckily I made it long enough to realize the EASIER way is to ask for help.

We can and do die awful, tragic and ugly deaths by addiction. The good news is we don't have to. You aren't alone. You are one of millions and there are people very anxious to show you the way.

Your therapist is right about getting to meetings while attempting to cut back. The only requirement for AA membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking. But sitting in the room won't get you sober. Ask a woman with some sobriety how to get sober. She can help.

Please feel free to email me directly if you have any questions or just want me to 'listen'. I've been where you are now and wouldn't go back for anything in this world. My life is better now than I could have ever wished in my wildest imagination. You can have that, too.

[email protected]

Karen

 

Thanks for all the support out there.  It is a comfort to know I am not the only one with these issues. I was at another AA meeting in a different community last night and many of them were urging me to find a sponsor soon also. One thing I have learned during this journey is that fear has always ruled in my life, that and shame.  I am afraid now of picking a sponsor who isn't right for me or who isn't as sober as she thinks she is and having a bad experience and having that set me back in the healing process  I want AA to be for me. It scares the crap out of me that as a newbie to AA I hear a heartbreaking story of this woman's struggles and also the sordid details of the 13th step in AA and how she and her male sponsor were involved and days after her death he was shooting the **** at an AA meeting in the same clubhouse that they frequented as if nothing had happened! Life is a struggle, one day at a time.  Maybe I learned of this at the right time I needed to hear it.  Thanks for listening, I will be a regular here as I recover from my new addiction.  Carol

I have had negative experiences with sponsors, and they have helped me grow from them.  If a sponsor is not a right fit, you can find someone new.  You can always ask someone to be your temporary sponsor if you are not sure yet.  If it works out, then you can continue working with them, if they are also willing. A woman having a man for a sponsor is a big No-No for the obvious reasons you describe.  Too complicated to do that.   It took me about two months to get the courage to get my first sponsor.  I have had several in the many years I have been in AA.  Get a sponsor and get to work on those steps.  You will find recovery when you do the footwork. Hugs, Trish

Thanks for the advice Trish.  I will start focusing some energy on finding a sponsor tonight (my next meeting).  This is the scariest thing I have ever encountered.  i have everything going for me, a loving, supportive husband, wonderful kids (even the know it all college daughter) a great job that I love.  On the outside, I look like a success but on the inside I am ******g it all away.  I pray that AA can help me find the answers. Carol