Action vs Reaction

Against my better judgement I allowed my oldest son to go with friends last night with the promise he'd call to check in and be home by 9.  It's 5 am and he's still not home - no call - nothing.  The kids' father will arrive to take them all to the lake for the day in an hour and no sign of my oldest. I'm mulling in my mind all the really extreme ways I could deal with this boy, but I'm too tired to diffrentiate appropriate action from livid reaction.  I've been procrastinating giving him another drug test too because - well to be honest, I know the results, and I know what that means I'll have to do. I now owe 20K to various places due to his behaviors over the last 2 years and he turns 17 in a couple of weeks.  I'm tired.  (3 hours sleep will do that to a woman), and I'm over it.  FIN.  I've been wasting my money.  I am a single parent with very little help from their dad.  I don't HAVE the 20K much less any more. I'm really struggling between my love for this child and my desire for his total emancipation.  Asking my angels to guide me on this one.   Needless to say, the perks of this household for him are a thing of the past.  It's beyond it's ability to make an effect on the behavior however.  I know in my heart, I need to drug test him again, turn the results over to his probation officer, and probably go back to court with more unruly/unmanagable charges against him since he defies me in every possible way.  I *know* this logically.  I'm just so tired. In my efforts to find balance in my life, I've struggled with not REACTING but instead using careful consideration and appropriate action.  Sometimes I wait so long to act in an effort to get a cool head that I don't act at all.  I don't trust myself sometimes to do ti appropriately.  I need to get my head up out of my ass and handle this. Love you guys A very tired Michelle who wishes she'd stuck with dogs.

Hey Friend~ So sorry your are experienceing this again.  I have not been in your position and have no idea how to help.  It sounds like your son has caused you much disruption and its time for action.  Tough love is the hardest thing. I wish you all the best in whatever happens!

Boy, do I empathize.  I can only encourage you to stick by what is right, not what is convenient or easy.  Kicking his butt now is better than having him face adult charges later.   I may have told you about my younger son, Sean.  He developed a heroin addiction after he started college.  He was arrested for possession of drugs and paraphanalia right after I started grad school.  His father was out of town on business and we were split up anyway.  My ex's mom called me to ask me if I needed a ride up to the prison to bail my son out, and I told her "No, I am not bailing him out, I don't have the money, and he is not welcome to live her any longer."  She was speechless.  Fortunately, my therapist had worked at the prison as a psychologist, so he gave me the "balls" to stand firm.  Also, my AA sponsor at the time had a daughter who had a drug addiction, so she was able to Nar-Anon me so to speak. I guess my point is, I was a mess while it was happening, but looking back, I am so grateful I stood my ground.  It took another two years for my son to get off the heroin and get his act together.  He still drinks alcohol.  BUT, he lives on his own, and is going back to college full time this semester.  I love him to pieces and I am very proud of the man he is becoming. Stand firm.  Better he face the consequences now than later.   Hugs, Trish

Dear Michelle, I'm so sorry for all the problems that you're having w/your son.  My son turned 18 in July and is a Sr. in high school.  He does not have drug or alcohol issues; he has anger issues.  He calls me a *F* ***** if I say the "wrong" thing, which could be "helllo" and I get absolutely NO HELP from my husband.  My husband's solution?  "I'll have a talk with him".  I always want to go into the Dr. Phil mode and scream "so how's that working out for you?" but it's just a waste of breath. I am at the end of my rope with this child.  He's 18, his older sister is 22 (graduating college 5/08) and his youngest sister is an 8th grader and 13.  The girls see the difference in consequences and at times, resent their  dad. I don't know if what I'm about to suggest is even anything for me to say but here goes...make your son take the drug test, make HIM responsible for his actions.  Is living wih his father an option?  I've already told my family that if my son doesn't get a ride to some college then I'm moving out w/the 13 year old until he leaves the house.  I just can't take it anymore;  disrespect from both him & his father.  Enough is enough. I grew up w/my dad physically & mentally abusing me and what do I do...not dnly did I marry someone w/some of his (dad's) personality traits but the man has ABSOLUTELY no sense of humor and it makes it so hard to see what I'm showing my kids a "marriage/relationship" should be.  He has never hit me but as sick as it sounds, there are times I wish that I had bruises; they show...his words don't.  I am in the process of getting back to work so that'll get me less dependent on him for money and insurance. From one mom to another, I send you a tight hug andthe knowledge that you are not alone. Hugs, Susan

I'm sorry you are struggling so with your son.. I understand how his acting out and his own addictions will just wear you down.. to the point where doing nothing is all you can handle.  But hang in there.. pray for strength.. and work the steps with your son.  Allow him to be responsible for his actions..   I know you know what you should do..  I pray that your Higher Power gives you strength.. cuz I understand how tired you must be.   I know you can't make him follow a recovery path.. he has to acquire his own.  But you can allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions.. so that he may learn the way to recovery sooner *hopefully*!! love ya and keep leaning on us.. Rhonda

Do an INternet search and see if there is a "Tough Love" chapter near you - they are a tremendous support group - of parents who have dealt w/ the same issue. Good luck. Anne