Building a Squirrel Cage

Disclaimer:  Ok y'all this post is a rambling insane one Yesterday was hard.  I was anxious and quite tired of being anxious.  Anxiety attacks to not behoove me - the shaking, the rapid breathing, cold sweats.  Nope - don't like 'em.  Have had too many over hte last 5 days - over it.  Threw myself into work yesterday and distracted (yes I self medicate with work too).  All was good or so I thought.  So I commute home and the squirrels all returned.  They're pretty active - it must be head squirrel mating season or something.  So instead of going home, I went to a meeting.  It was a big book study and a very small group (which I love), and I got some "medicine" that I needed and went home.  Still barely hanging on by literally chanting the serenity prayer and singing silly stuff to God and the universe. Arrive home - oldest boy had stayed home from school because he broke his ankle Sunday and still couldn't get around.  He had my permission.  Middle boy however stayed home just because.  School has only been in session 3 weeks and this is his second time of taking it upon himself to stay home.  I'm angry with him - and angry with me because I guess I'm goign to have to personally delivery him to school and be late to work every day, and angry with him again for making me stress about work.   In addition to my discovery, the boys have DEMOLISHED the house i worked hard to clean the other day - rearranging furniture, dragging stuff out, dishes everywhere, trash etc.  Not not not happy.  So then in our discussions, I discover that my OLDEST boy has also taken it upon himself to miss various days of school already.  He's done this to me before and it ended up with the county issuing ME a ticket and taking me to court (and at the time i had no idea he'd done it), and i'm sure if that happens again, the outcome will not be nearly as pleasant. I was a woman on the edge.  I was a woman who wanted a rum and coke - hell 12 of them.  I was so angry and due to my already anxioutsand stressed state of mind did not trust myself to even talk to them at that point.  So I left and drove around a while, went to chik Fil-A and ate and listened to contemporary Christian in the restaraunt (that stuff creeps me out to be honest) and got myself under control enough to come home.  Called my sponsor - she was out.  Left what I'm sure was a bewildering message on her VM (I'm sure I'll get an "omg are you ok" phone call when she gets that).  I locked myself  in my room and fumed. I wanted a good cry but couldn't even cry.  I had no chocolate (I usually keep chocolate in my night stand but the kids had eaten all of that too), I still wanted a drink.  I missed my "friend" like crazy and decided "screw it - I need to sleep before I do something stupid".  I slept - with my friend's cat laying in my hair (that was strangely comforting). So - today I have community service.  My "friend" (not sure what to call him yet - god i'm such a dork) has court.  I don't want to drink - that's good.  But I do want to nip this squirrel treadmill in the axle so to speak before it gets off and rolling today. Soooo  here's my grattitude list: I am grateful to be sober I am grateful to have 3 healthy kids I am grateful to experience somebody loving me I am grateful to have a nice home and amenities and comfort here I am grateful for good friends I am grateful to have a good job and a marketable job skill I am grateful that my church will give me the opportunity to do my comm svc hours I am grateful that I was able to get my friend's kitten out of his apartment before it died I am grateful to have my license reinstated I am grateful to have gotten through yesterday without stupid actions and a need to make amends I am grateful for YOU ALL who are going to read this post. I am grateful that the universe unfolds as it should I am grateful to be healthy I am grateful my parents are still alive and share their love and support with me I am grateful to live in a free country with all the perks that come with that I am grateful to be able to articulate my angst instead of acting on it I am grateful to be awake and alive and giving it another shot today. ============== ok - thoughts out into the uinverse - let the angels take them and run with them.  And if those angels happen to have any head squirrel tranquiizers, I'll take them - a gross of the suckers! Love you guys! hugs, Michelle

thanks for sharing Michelle.. you have alot on your plate.  I know sometimes it helps to just talk.. write it out.. and have people give ya a big ole HUG..  ((((((((((michelle))))))))  especially when we don't have any answers.. cuz we have squirrels living in our attic too..  LOL. love ya girlie hang in there.. this too shall pass!!

Michelle,

WoW! What a day you had! Have to admit that your post made me feel really good about having a daughter that is stuffed (She is a cabbage patch doll, that I inherited from my mother). On bad days I can come home and drop kick her around the apartment. I haven't done that in while so I guess I doing well.

I know about the nutty squirrels too. Mine come to visit me from time to time too. Especially around my anniversary. Hang in there, high school will be over in a few years. DarDar

Boy Michelle, I could have written your post when my boys were in school.  My marriage may have sucked, but my ex did help with my boys, not that they listened to him much either, but at least we were a team.  Us against the teenagers.  Parents UNITE. If you need to rant about your day, please do so.  E-mail me if you want to rant privately.  [email protected]     I understand the squirrels.   Speaking of squirrels, did you see on the news today, there was a squirrel on the foul pole at, I think it was the Yankees game yesterday, that had the crowd cheering him on.  Wonder if your squirrels are Yankees fans who need to fly up to New York.  (Yes, I am insane too.  My squirrels are Phillies fans.) Your gratitude list is good therapy.  I do it religiously, like daily.  I send them to my friend who is going through her own personal Hell.  She has breast cancer, and her husband almost died of blood clots in his lungs, and actually coded twice in the ER, and had to be in a coma after emergency surgery and can barely walk now.  Then, her 52 year old sister was left widowed with five kids, three at home still, about two to three weeks ago.  My everyday troubles pale in comparison to what she has been through. Hang in there.  If you don't kill your kids, they do become adults and if you stay sober, there is a chance they may become normal adults, though I can't guarantee that.  I just know that mine are pretty normal, all things considered. Hugs and love, Trish

Michelle, Thank you for this post.  It scares me, because I want so bad to think that I will turn a corner one day and it will all seem/feel ok and my Mr Hyde won't start whispering in my ear again that it's okay to have a drink, but apparently it doesn't work that way, huh?  Your coping skills are great though.  I will save them so when he does start whispering, I can try them on and see if they fit me as well as they seem to fit you!  You are an inspiration! Sandy

Hi Sandy, The urge to drink diminishes for me, but does return often when I am not working my AA program.  Attending meetings has helped me learn that I am normal, and how to cope and change my thinking to healthy coping skills instead of insane drinking.   Hopefully, I can make the space between the time between urges longer, and the intensity of the urge shorter. Hugs, Trish