Michelle is a bad girl

OK - first I tell you guys, then I call my sponsor.  Nope I didn't drink or use - I'll just get that out there. Hmm ok, let's see how to say this in a way that conveys my squirrely thinking.  My two issues are very intertwined and I'm having a "forest for the trees" thing going on here. Issue 1 - I think I'm in love.  hahaha why is this an issue?  Well - the victim of my affection is another recovering alcoholic.  That frightens me.  I met him when I came into the program - he has about as much clean time as I do.  There was an instant attraction (which I found out later was way mutual), but I of course was listening to my sponsor and not even considering romance at that time.  Hell I wasn't even considering it now/lately but go figure.  So over the last year, we've slowly gotten to be close friends, even graduating to VERY close friends.  A few months ago, he expressed that he was in love with me, and I was still very much playing with kid gloves - danger will robinson!  walls up! shields ready!  No no no.  But I obviously had feelings too because I could not do him the kindness of letting him go.  He became the first person I spoke to upon waking, the last before sleeping and I really let him get to know me - down deep inside where all the uglies are.  He didn't run away screaming - wow.  So - I threw caution to the wind and last week, we consumated our feelings in a physical manner (how's that for PC?).  It was amazing. :-) Ok, that is kind of a segue into Issue 2.  I mentioned where we met.  He like me is involved in the consequences of his dui over a year ago.  He went to visit his PO Friday and they arrested him for violation of probation.  He only had a second to talk to me, so I'm not sure what the deal is, but apparently he'd missed a report date or two and he's not yet completed his community service.  His father called me last night and said something about a missed court date, but I don't know - again, no clue.  He will go before the judge Wednesday, so we'll know more then. Issue 2 - All of my dui obligations are complete except for my community service, which I'm supposed to get lined up today after talking with somebody at my church.  Since my dui was in another county 100 + miles away, they never required me to report in person - just to send money every two weeks, which I've done and now paid off my fine.  I technically should be off probation as of the end of this month but there's that community service thing.  I'm going to bite the bullet and call the PO today and just make sure that I'm not in a similar bind as my new friend.  That terrifies me, and classic Michelle fright action is PROCRASTINATE! So here's where the head squirrely stuff comes in.  That phone call from him on friday stirred an IMMENSE reminder to me of all the many similar phone calls I'd gotten from my ex husband when we were married.  That sent me into a spiral of "what the hell am I doing getting involved with him like this?".  He's done nothing that I have not done in this case (procrastination), and he is the same person inside and out that he was when I decided it was a good idea to become intimate with him.  So what in the hell is wrong with me?  That could easily be me locked up and him freaking out.   I don't have a good track record with men.  I think I made a mistake.  I also think that is my fear and weird twisted emotions saying so, because he *is* a man of chracter and has proven that to me over and over again.  He's been doing the right things.  I'm so confused. So yeah I'll call my sponsor and dump this all on her after while.  Meanwhile, I just needed to articulate that yes Virginia - Michelle is a nutjob. :) Love you guys! M

Morning Michelle-


Ehh....I'd be thinking the same EXACT thing that you are.

I don't know anything about relationships coming out of recovery or during recovery....but I have heard repeatidly in meetings to wait at least a year before entering into any type of romantic relationship.



Sorry I can't help.....And if it makes you feel any better, I'm still on probation from my first dui, for not paying off fines. Now I'm on my second dui.

I have no freakin idea...

I hate thinking about it, so I don't.

1st.. congratulations.. if you ARE in love ..  2nd.. aren't we so lucky that there is NO TIME FRAME for love.. you can take as long as you want.. and if it's love.. it will be there.  Why in the world do we have to figure it all out today... treat it like your sobriety.. one day at a time.. one hour at a time.. and one second at a time.  And if he's in recovery too.. he should be willing to take things a day at a time also.. and he is probably just as scared as you are. that's my only advice.. and I say it only cuz that's how I've been handling the love in my life also.. Lord I hope I'm right in thinking this way if not show me another way!! hugsssss and big kisses,

Rhonda

Hi Michelle, Boy, would I be posting the same thing as you if I were in your shoes.  Squirrels are really fun to have running around in my head.   My best advice is to s-l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-w down.  Take care of your community service obligation.  Get all the facts about his violation of his probation.  Try to think with your head, not your heart.  Easier said than done, I am full aware of that.  Listen to your sponsor.  Your sobriety, and your recovery is more important than any other thing or person, even Mr. AA himself.   Big Hugs,   Trish

Yes - I so need to slow down. The thing is that I was already reeling with the thought of having become intimate Thursday night (the day right before him getting locked up).  That was a bit much to process already.  So all of this angst has jumbled into one big weird snowball of energy and it's really eating my lunch.  I haven't had an intimate relationsihp (not including a tryst or two) that got deep since mr. sweetie pants, and although a good guy he was definitely the wrong guy for me. Good news.  I called my PO and he is out until next Tuesday.  I talked to somebody at my church and I'm goign to take a vacation day Wednesday and knock out 8 hours of community svc  then, and maybe another 8 on Thursday.  The people at my church are so terribly kind and helpful.  I actually called several churches in the area but they weren't interested in having somebody "like me" do any volunteer work for the purpose of court obligation.  I sort of didn't want the embarassment of doing it at my own church, but now that I talked to her I have no idea why.  She is grateful to have me and was very kind and understanding about the cir****tances.  So it's my intention to have at least half of the service done by the time I talk to the PO on Tuesday.  I've lined up Saturdays doing pet adoptions for the humane society for 4 hours per weekend during the month of September, so I should be in good shape.  That feels a little better at least - I just need a clever reason to miss the work.  Hell I came up with good reasons when drinking, so I suppose I will again. You are right about my own recovery.  I made an "appointment" to talk to my sponsor in the hour before our regular Monday night meeting.  We have step stuff and I want to just give her these squirrels to play with for a while.  I know that she absolutely knows where I'm at as she's had a couple such recovery relationships. More good news - I did not snoop when I went to my friend's apartment today to get the kitten so it wouldn't starve by Wednesday (operation kitten rescue was a success).  I was tempted but did not. You're right - focus on the next right things for me.  Care but don't fret.  It is what it is and we are who we are and somehow the universe will unfold as it should.  In the meantime, I could use a yoga class or something!  ;-) I'm telling you - there is something about the act of sex that eliminates *ALL* objectivity.  sigh.  It's like that episode of Married With Children where Kelly Bundy is studying and as she learns one thing, another thing slides out of her brain from her other ear.  Penis in - objectivity out.  .. lol hugs, Michelle

          I never heard of "penis in-obejectivity out.  Man, does that describe me lately.   Thanks for the chuckle.   Your community service plan sounds good.  I understand about not wanting to be up front with your church, but am so glad that you were able to be "humble" and ask there.  Churches should be hospitals for us sick people, not country clubs for the sinless, of which there are none. Hugs, Trish

The only thing I can share  Michelle is what I heard tell going thru recovery.and my own opinion. Dont start a relationship if you arent in one already for at least a year. I think that is because many alcoholics relapse and take the other person who is recovering with them, If both are in recovery. Another reason is because if you both are recovering, you both end up growing emotionally, spiritually, at different rates and one might leave the other behind, which breeds resentments, fears, anger and contempt and may lead back to relapse. another thing is it give each person time to settle much wreckage of their pasts and settle into a more comfortable exsistance in their own skin. To become more aware of what they want or need in life and are less apt to to grow apart because they jumped into a relationship for whatever reason they jumped into one, except for sound reasons. Many people jump into relationships when newly sober, for fear of being alone, loneliness,sharing the mutual backgrounds, fears, and many jump the gun. Many, even long term relationships, suffer much when one partner sobers up, due to co-dendent features and rules of the game change. Last,but not least, you dont want to start a relationship with someone as sick or sicker than you. Just my thoughts and if they dont apply and I dont know how much time you have been clean, but a year is just a gudeline. For some it may take longer or shorter to get to a point of sound choices. Then maybe someone else can use  the info. Good luck Michelle. :wave:

Thanks Dan! For the record, I've got almost a year - 9/23 is my anniversary.  As for my friend, I'm a horrible friend in that I've forgotten his sobriety date but it's somewhere near my own. I understand all the logical reasons. This is the main reason I wanted to keep it a friendship.  I think Patricia nailed it by reminding me to just focus on my sobriety first as I would with any kind of relationship.  To keep my own side of the street clean.  Time will indeed tell how this pans out, but like it or not, it's a relationship.  Whether it's long term, short term, enduring or not is yet to be seen.  I didn't plan it, didn't seek it and I'm not even sure at this point if it's something I would have chosen, but in my own journey, I've come to believe that God puts people and situations in front of me for reasons. So - I'm going to try and just chill. :-) My sponsor just says to take this and all things one day at a time and chill. THANK YOU for the input! hugs, m

Hi Michelle,

Congratulations on 11+ months. That's awesome. I should preface this by saying I broke a lot of 'rules' and didn't take suggestions well in the beginning. I'm not proud of it but it's my past and today I'm working on today.

I married a recovering addict. We met in meetings but it was several years before the spark was kindled. I had such a strings of Mr. Wrongs that I became very frightened of having Mr. Right. I was terrified of being hurt, swindled, used, abandoned and whatever else my brain conjured up. Because I was sabotaging the relationship with my fears, he suggested we turn our relationship over to God like we did our drinking and let him handle it one day at a time.

So that's what we did and continue to do daily. We don't have to figure out all the details. We just love, honor and respect each other today.  Although we've only been married three years this december, we have a wonderful, open, honesty relationship. We use the principle of AA in our marriage. We work seperate programs but do attend some meetings together.

Gosh....I didn't mean to start writing you a biography. I just wanted to tell you turning over my will and my life to God includes everything. Including my relationships. Even the ones that didn't work out, taught me something I needed to know.

Be good to yourself. Have faith not fear and try not to worry so much!

Karen

 

Thank you Karen, Your response sounds an awful lot like what my sponsor said.  That things always work out for me when I get the heck out of the way and just go with the plan. I'm a little less anxious today.  I've done a lot of centering, meditation, praying, calming and just refocusing on the "next right thing" for me to be doing at this moment.  Fortunately work has been busy and that always helps (classic ocd personality - gotta jump totally into something). I had a great chat with my sponsor last night.  She's got 20 years and probably half as many recovery relationships under her belt.  To quote her, "some were good, some not so good, but I learned from them all".   I think the key for me is to just "do me".  What happens - happens :) At any rate, I'll have more knowledge tomorrow, and knowledge always helps - I can deal with anything but the not knowing ... Hugs, and thank you so much for the response! m