I need help

I am new to this board, though not new to OH.  I had a lap RNY back in 01/06.  I joined OH several months before that, but haven't visited since then.  I am back now because I believe I have developed a new problem and I am looking for those who have been or are dealing with this. I have never had a problem with drinking before.  I could be a social drinker, and start or stop when I wanted to.  I could decide to get rip-roaring drunk at a party with friends, or simply have a beer or two after work.... and stop.  I read about addiction transfer, and how some people had trouble with alcohol after surgery... I didn't think it would happen to me because alcohol had never been an issue for me before.  I sit here now in serious pain because I have ovarian cysts, but cannot take a Darvocet yet, because I still feel drunk from last night.  My head is pounding on top of my abdomen and back cramping, and I am wondering why I can't stop... why when I have a drink now, I can't say, "OK, that's enough."  I don't drink every night, although there have been months that I have.  I didn't get hung-over to start with (post-surgery) but I have been lately.  I don't want it to be a problem.  I want to be that social drinker I was before surgery.  So much of my time with friends and family revolves around drinking... We go out to a game or concert, we drink.  We go to dinner on the beach or anywhere, and we drink.  I go with co-workers to happy hours on Fridays, or we have parties, and we drink.  What do I do now?  I don't know what to do.... I just know something is very wrong and I think I need help.   What are your stories?  What did it take for you to realize what you needed to do?  What do you do now about your way of life?   Any replies, stories, or advice is greatly appreciated. Sandy

Hi Sandy..  glad you felt compelled to post.  Welcome.. Feel free to read my PROFLE.. starting with my Blog Archieve 11/2006.. and move forward.  My SOBRIETY date is 11/17/2006.  I have partied and drank off and on since my early 20's.. I'm 46 now.  I even skipped many years of drinking while married..  after my divorce, I began partying again.   Then had some years of not so much.  Then.. I HAD WLS... and felt sooo good about myself.. and did not want to be home alone... so I started hitting the bar.. again.  Partying it up.. and having fun.  The alcohol hit my body hard.. I would feel it within the first drink.. vodkie by choice.. and would drin****il drunk.. and then drin****il I was in a blackout.. and kept drinking until most times.. passed out.   I was having fun.. started calling in a few times sick for work.. more than I ever did in my past.  And then once.. I went to a Social Club (bar party) and got wasted.. many people offered to bring me home, but I was not ready to quit.. and insisted that I was fine.  I drove to the next bar.. from what I remember.. there was a cop of two.. and I was in a great mood.. and wouldn't be surprised if I even asked for a group hug.. *that's what I think*.. from what I was told.. there were like 6 cruisers in the bar parking lot.  I did not pass there test.. and wounded up spending that night in county jail.  My first DUI.. having blown twice the legal limit.  Hired a lawyer.. went to court.. got house arrest.. a fine.. and  90 days suspension of license.. after that.. I had to get the blowie thing on my vehicle.  Oh yeah.. and drunk classes.. I remember being in those classes and really listening.. and wondering with their statistics of people getting a second one.. how in the hell was I going to still drink and NOT get a second DUI..??  sooo.. I found myself.. now drinking at home.. alone.. getting drunk calling friends and drunkin' typing to online friends.. whooohooooo.. what fun  lol.  And then someone whom I got to know over several years on the single's board.. and I got together.. he was sick too just like me.. but we didn't know it at the time.  He moved from WI to be with me.. he and I did some more "partyin".. he wanted to party just a little more than me.. but I would usually go right along with it.  Until finally I think I just got damn tired.. and I got tired of him "partyin" at home *he was on disability* while I worked..   so.. I told him to leave.. go back to where he came from.. but instead, he went into rehab.  And for that I am soo grateful.. because that started me on my path for recovery.  My last drink was 11/17/06.   I didn't go into rehab.. but went to meetings.. and after I listened to those people.. I realized that I too was just as sick as any one of them.. **this part took me awhile to learn.. even to just recently.. I thought I was not like THEM**  However, even tho I've not YET been to prison..  even tho I've not YET been institutionalized..  even tho I've not YET lost my job... I was just as sick cuz when I drank.. I can not stop.. and THAT MY FRIEND *TO ME* IS ALCOHOLISM.  The other "stuff" is just consequences "ill effects" of the disease.. and if I left my disease unattended.. I could wind up in prison.. I could wind up in an institution.. and jobless.. and eventually homeless.  It sounds drastic.. but I heard so many stories of people who had more than I.. and they lost it all.. so all it would take is a bad car accident while driving drunk.. and I could lose my job.. and be in prison.  Also I realized that at my age.. 46 that my parents are not getting younger.. I don't want to be the drunk who can't be with them.. if they should need me in their last moments here on this world.  I want more for myself.. and SOBRIETY is the only thing that's going to give it to me. I've been sober for 9 months.. I have not gotten a sponsor .. I haven't read the Big Book.. and I haven't followed the steps.. but I'm going to.  I've just recently came to the conclusion that I need all that in my life inorder to fight my disease of alcoholism.  So I am going to 5:30 meetings.. after work to find a female sponsor who can help me in working the steps.. that now is my goal.. along with not drinking..  I hope this helps.. in any way.. I don't know if you are an alcoholic.. only you can diagnose that for yourself..  the first step in AA is this.. 1.   We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. Also.. with this surgery.. I KNOW that my internal body's plumbing has been re-arranged so that it can just not tolerate alcohol as it once did also..  so along with having a progressive disease.. I choose to rearrange it so that it progresses even faster. This is part of my story.. and my experience.. I hope that you can read and get something from it.. and if it doesn't pertain to you.. leave the rest hugs.. and best wishes, Rhonda

Rhonda,

Thank you for sharing your story with me.  I have been going back and reading profiles, and think it might do some good to do that every day as a reminder.  I haven't found a meeting here yet, although I know there are many, so I will have to work out my schedule.  I I haven't had anything to drink since Saturday night, and am not drinking tonight.... although last night, and most likely tonight, I will just go to bed early to just get through with the day. I know there is a problem, and I have discussed my concerns with my husband, but he drinks and such and agrees he is concerned about me, but I think he likes his drinking partner sometimes.... if that makes sense.  I think I am waking up to it.  I don't know if I am ready or not, but I don't want it to take a boulder landing on me to get me to be fully awake. It's beginning to lightning pretty badly here.  I had better shut the pc down soon, but I plan to respond to everyone this week.  Maybe I ca respond once a day so I can come back and tell each of you that I didn't have a drink today.  Maybe that's a start? Thanks to you and all for a warm welcome and for sharing.... Sandy

pleasant dreams and please do keep coming back.. that would be wonderful

Hi Sandy and welcome! It wasn't until I got sober that I fully understood that my story goes back much further than I'd originally thought.  My natural mother (who abandoned us at age 9) was a binge drunk.  My father is and was a functioning alcoholic.  My first drunk was at age 15.  I hung out with an older wilder crowd and of course, we partied and partied hard.  I got suspended from school my junior year during graduation week after getting caught drunk on a band field trip to an amusement park.  Got over that, finished school.. moved on.   I met my ex husband in my wild social circles and we had a blast.  at first that is...  I got pregnant, we got married and I and put on the brakes.  Meanwhile, he revved his engine even faster - I think fear of being a father scared the hell out of him.  Our married life after my first child disentegrated fast - with him developing other nasty addictions to cocaine and gambling as well.  A second kid, several dui's and arrests on his part later, I divorced him right after discovering I was pregnant with my youngest - my sweet little girl.  Something about bringing yet another kid into that mess kind of sent me over the edge.  He was in prison for drug trafficking when Kelsey was born.  That was 1997. Like any good child of the ism - I had to throw my feelings about my marriage into some kind of addictive behavior and it was food - and marijuana (see the circular thing here... stoned/munchies/stoned/munchies).  He drank.  I ate.  LOTS.  Life with three kids on my own after the divorce was difficult, and of course, I ate for comfort.  I went out socially some during that time, but my ex had turned me off to drinking so badly, that it wasn't an issue at that time. I had a couple of years of college behind me and decided to finish school so I could give the kids a decent life.  I did it, and began a very nice professional career as a software developer. So..  things were getting better.  Good job, good kids (mostly *wink*) and taking care of business.  In 2004, I had my GBS as yet another effort to get ME right.  The weight melted off.  I looked great and it was PARTY TIME!   What I didn't realize at the time however is that I have NO coping skills, and food was no longer an option to abuse due to my new plumbing.  So, Michelle hits the social scene once more with her new cute self.  I was getting tons of attention, dates, going to parties, going to bars - having a blast.  It did not take long at all to get totally out of control.  Drinking at home, driving drunk, trying to control my drinking, limit my drinking, hide my drinking etc. My cloest friends expressed concern.  I blew them off.  I lost a job due to the fact I was working from home and well - let's just say every hour  became happy hour.  The last two months of my drinking, every day began with the thought I'd have just a couple to "fix the hangover" - and next thing I know I was waking up again wondering what the hell happened. July 31, 2006, I left a bar after celebrating my best friend's birthday with the intent of going to see my then boyfriend who lived about 60 miles north of there.  When I "came to", I had just caused a six car pile up on the interstate and was about 150 miles SOUTH of where I'd began and had no idea where I was.  People were injured in the accident, my car was totalled (hit on all four sides - twice by tractor trailers!  God really is watching out for me), and I of course, got a DUI as a nice parting gift. I drug myself into AA shortly after that.  I wish I could tell you that the night of my dui was my last drink, but hey I'm a drunk - I can't say that's the case.  I stayed sober for almost two months before hitting it on my birthday in mid september.  That one night out turned into yet another two weeks of continuous drinking and I somehow had an epiphany.  I could not control this.  I was goign to end up doign to my kids what my mom had done to me.  I wanted to die.  I just didn't see any way to change my life and I wanted out. I went to bed the night of 9/22/06 crying my eyes out and praying for my life basically.  I told God that if something didn't happen I was going to kill myself.  An eerie voice in my head told me "just to go an AA meeting first and see what that's about - THEN you can kill yourself if you still want to".  I know that sounds silly - but it happened!  I went.  I listened.  I kept going back.  I got a sponsor, I worked the steps, I participated, I chair meetings, I connect with others in the group and wow - I'm sober today!  I celebrate my 1 year anniversary on 9/23. The last thing in the world I wanted to admit is that I was ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE who had made my life a living hell.  My ego had a very hard time with that.  I didn't want to quit drinking but I knew it would kill me eventually.  I didn't know how to socialize without drinking.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I would have rather been dead than be an alcoholic... BUT - being an alcoholic is the biggest blessing ever bestowed upon me, because it got me into a program that IMMENSELY changed both my outlook and my life.  I wish I had gotten involved way earlier in my life - of course, until somebody is ready - they aren't ready :) I realize I've written a small novel, and I hope you managed to wade through it.   I hope you can find some similarities or at least the reassurance that I and others here really do understand where you are coming from. Is AA the only way?  Nah - there are lots of paths to recovery.  AA has been mine and I highly recommend it.  I wanted what those people had (even though I thought they were nuts at first).  They were sober, kind, caring, and SERENE!  Whoda thunk!?!? Welcome to the forum - I'm so glad you shared! Love and light, Michelle - a grateful recovering alcohlic

Michelle, Thank you for the welcome.  I could very well relate to many things you wrote about yourself, from partying back in high school all the way through the "party time" feelings I had once I had lost my weight and say the pretty young woman I was 20 years ago, the person I hadn't seen since just after high school.  I looked good and felt good, and wanted to be back around people because I hid away for so long as I was ashamed of my weight.

One thing I have not done, and say I will nto do is drive.  Losing my job, license, etc scares the &*&# out of me.  I always catch a cab if I know I am going to be drinking and do not have a DD.  I know in my right mind, I woudn't drive when I have been drinking... but what scares me the most is what I may do when I am in one of those black outs where I am not in my right mind.

I have not had a drink in four days now.  Damn near a record for me in the last year... sad, huh?  I want to keep it up, but don't know if or how long I can.  I do need to seek out AA, but I am also one of those who feels like there is so much in life I have to do, have to take care of now, that adding one more thing would feel like another job/chore/burden.  I shouldn't look at it that way.  I know I need to look at it as a way to maintain, to make it through day by day without another drink... but now that I am not hungover, I wonder if I can or if I am really ready.  Sounds chicken **** I know....  disappointed in myself, but damn, I want another drink. Sandy

Hey Sandy - your feelings are common.  I am a single mom with three kids, full time job, house, etc etc.  Who in the hell has time to focus on her sobriety?   Once I realized that it's not a job/chore/burden but an immensely kind gift that I give to myself, it all falls into place.  To pen a popular quote, "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired", and I was willing to at least investigate something I know has helped so many others.  Take it easy on yourself and take care of YOU - that's the important thing. I think that the hardest thing for me those first few weeks were knowing what in the hell to do with myself in the evenings.  I devoured tons of books, ate tons of chocolate and slept a lot. Here is a link to the AA "Big Book" online  http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/bigbookonline/en_tableof cnt.cfm This book gave me such a comfort - it was wild reading all the stories.  Even though written a long time ago, I related to so much of what was written there.  If you don't feel quite ready to go to a meeting, it couldn't hurt to actually read the literature.  I promise - If you are like ME, you will find yourself in those pages. Try to look at each day as a 24 hour hunk of time.  Don't let your mind go to that "I can never drink again ever" stuff.  You just have to do it today.  Sometimes I just have to do it for an hour, then another, then another.  Anybody can get through one day without a drink, right?  Even *this* insane alcoholic ;)   Email me any time - we can exchange im info and chat if you'd like.  I'm sending tons of good vibes and putting a few of my angels out on loan to you.  :) Love and light, Michelle

Hi Sandy, Welcome to the Addictions forum. My addictive behaviors started when I was really young.  I always used food to cope with negative emotions.  I started drinking as a teenager.  I also smoked pot as a teen.  When I got married, I stopped drinking for years, but used food to continue coping with my emotions, gaining weight for years.  I would occassionally binge drink, and had one summer where the drinking really took off after a really rough time during a pregnancy my ex-husband wanted me to abort.   In 1989, I began therapy for my eating disorder, because my weight was just getting out of control.  As I started to get control of my eating, my drinking began to flare up even more.  Within two months, my therapist was suggesting I go to AA meetings and stop drinking.  At that time I weighed 190 pounds.  I stopped drinking, and was going to AA meetings off and on, and I gained about 60 pounds.  I was also attending OA meetings, and had tried an outpatient eating disorder program.  I was able to get over 8 years without a drink at that point. My marriage got worse, and I stopped going to AA, and I started drinking again, as I tried losing the weight again.  Eventually, my husband left, and I began to drink more heavily.  At that time, I weighed about 250.  So, in 2001, I went back to AA, and turned back to food in earnest to deal with my feelings. In 2005, I weighed 319 when I tried another eating disorder program.  It helped me learn coping skills, and I began to lose weight.  In 2006, I decided to have gastric bypass surgery to speed up my weight loss.  Since the surgery, I have had more urges to drink, as I cannot use food to cope with my emotions.  That is why I attend my AA meetings in earnest. In therapy, I have learned that I have several addictive behaviors that I use to cope with negative emotions.  They include shopping, cutting, and sexual acting out.  The easiest is food, and most intense is drinking.  If I do not work my AA program, I turn to any one of them to cope.  I have not had a drink since September of 2001.   I would encourage you to attend some AA meetings and see if you can relate to the sharing there.  Listen for the feelings that the people talk about, as well as the behaviors. God bless. Hugs, Trish

Trish, God bless you and your sobriety for these many years.  I see where it may not always be one addiction, but a pattern, and some addictions suit some more than others.  We all got our something, right?  Definitely use those somethings to deal with the stress and BS that life throws our way. We wish we could cope so well as others do, feel guilty and ashamed about that when we can't or don't, then use those somethings again and again to cope and feel better about ourselves... like some crazy carnival ride you can't get off.  I'm ready for a different ride, but geez, I still have fun on this one every now and then, and wonder if I will find the other rides equally as fun? Sandy

*DISCLAIMER-This is not meant to be a mean reply, please don't take it that way*

My suggestion-

Either you remain the way you are, continue to drink, be an alcoholic, miserable, in pain(not being able to take your pain meds), be sad, be hungover, and/or know something is very wrong....

OR

Stop drinking immediatly. When you are addicted you do not debate with yourself. You do not justify your drinking. You just stop. In order to do that, you MUST WANT IT. You can't half ass want it. You can't be a social drinker. If you could, you wouldn't be here. If for a minute you "Think you need help", then you do.

Again, I am not trying to be mean. Go back to my July 24th post, and read every day after, and you will understand why I sound so harsh. You don't want the same thing happening to you.

I've come to this board a couple of times, asking for help, but I didn't want it, so it was pointless and didn't work. Don't waste you time or energy unless you WANT it.

I NEEDED the help. I'm 35 days sober. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, aside from burying my son.

I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you, and I truly hope you want to do this for you.

Liz