I need help
Rhonda,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I have been going back and reading profiles, and think it might do some good to do that every day as a reminder. I haven't found a meeting here yet, although I know there are many, so I will have to work out my schedule. I I haven't had anything to drink since Saturday night, and am not drinking tonight.... although last night, and most likely tonight, I will just go to bed early to just get through with the day. I know there is a problem, and I have discussed my concerns with my husband, but he drinks and such and agrees he is concerned about me, but I think he likes his drinking partner sometimes.... if that makes sense. I think I am waking up to it. I don't know if I am ready or not, but I don't want it to take a boulder landing on me to get me to be fully awake. It's beginning to lightning pretty badly here. I had better shut the pc down soon, but I plan to respond to everyone this week. Maybe I ca respond once a day so I can come back and tell each of you that I didn't have a drink today. Maybe that's a start? Thanks to you and all for a warm welcome and for sharing.... Sandy
"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
Michelle, Thank you for the welcome. I could very well relate to many things you wrote about yourself, from partying back in high school all the way through the "party time" feelings I had once I had lost my weight and say the pretty young woman I was 20 years ago, the person I hadn't seen since just after high school. I looked good and felt good, and wanted to be back around people because I hid away for so long as I was ashamed of my weight.
One thing I have not done, and say I will nto do is drive. Losing my job, license, etc scares the &* out of me. I always catch a cab if I know I am going to be drinking and do not have a DD. I know in my right mind, I woudn't drive when I have been drinking... but what scares me the most is what I may do when I am in one of those black outs where I am not in my right mind.
I have not had a drink in four days now. Damn near a record for me in the last year... sad, huh? I want to keep it up, but don't know if or how long I can. I do need to seek out AA, but I am also one of those who feels like there is so much in life I have to do, have to take care of now, that adding one more thing would feel like another job/chore/burden. I shouldn't look at it that way. I know I need to look at it as a way to maintain, to make it through day by day without another drink... but now that I am not hungover, I wonder if I can or if I am really ready. Sounds chicken **** I know.... disappointed in myself, but damn, I want another drink. Sandy
"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
Albert Schweitzer
Trish, God bless you and your sobriety for these many years. I see where it may not always be one addiction, but a pattern, and some addictions suit some more than others. We all got our something, right? Definitely use those somethings to deal with the stress and BS that life throws our way. We wish we could cope so well as others do, feel guilty and ashamed about that when we can't or don't, then use those somethings again and again to cope and feel better about ourselves... like some crazy carnival ride you can't get off. I'm ready for a different ride, but geez, I still have fun on this one every now and then, and wonder if I will find the other rides equally as fun? Sandy
My suggestion-
Either you remain the way you are, continue to drink, be an alcoholic, miserable, in pain(not being able to take your pain meds), be sad, be hungover, and/or know something is very wrong....
OR
Stop drinking immediatly. When you are addicted you do not debate with yourself. You do not justify your drinking. You just stop. In order to do that, you MUST WANT IT. You can't half ass want it. You can't be a social drinker. If you could, you wouldn't be here. If for a minute you "Think you need help", then you do.
Again, I am not trying to be mean. Go back to my July 24th post, and read every day after, and you will understand why I sound so harsh. You don't want the same thing happening to you.
I've come to this board a couple of times, asking for help, but I didn't want it, so it was pointless and didn't work. Don't waste you time or energy unless you WANT it.
I NEEDED the help. I'm 35 days sober. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, aside from burying my son.
I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you, and I truly hope you want to do this for you.
Liz
October, 1st, 2004-LapRNY
298/157/140'ish