scattered

i've cried 3 times today...i'm stressed...****** step 2/3 is for real killing me...i went to a meeting this morning...told my group i had to go to my shrink for an 8.30am appointment, i had to explain to my shrink why i've been lying to him for years, and tell him why i'm so short tempered and pissy nearly evil like. I called mike crying today for no reason.....i know the reason...i met with my attorney today and a) had to shell out 2 grand via my checking account seeing as i have no credit cards, which entails me having no money at this point in time. My doc prescribes me new drugs today...Please God get me out of this funk. My day sucked so bad, after my attorney, my stupid ass goes to the ******g bar....stands in there...see's all these drunk people that were my friends when i was a drunk....Stood there...smoked a cigarette, said hi to my only real friend in there and left. No I did NOT drink. I walked a block and went to starbucks instead and said..."will you put an extra shot in there" making it feel like i really did get a shot at the bar or something. At any rate, I went to the bar afteer my attorney told me....no jail time, but I will be on house arrest for 105 days, and this will fall between november and february.....I won't even be able to walk to my ******g mailbox with out this stupid bracelet beeping at me. 18 months loss of license, and 12 months with that ****** blow thing on my car....my brand new 2007 car that we just got on valentines day. my shrink tells me my seratonins are all out of whack due to not drinking and smoking cigs way less than I was, which may explain the depressed moods i've been having. again, i'm having a pity party for myself and sulking on my couch watchin law and order crying because i feel like such a shmuck. friday is my month anniversary....and i feel like it's not even a big deal....i won't see my family over the holidays because i won't be allowed to leave my ****** house. That sucks. Daniel once told me Jesus hung on the cross for a few days to forgive my sins, why am i still beating myself up about this? hrm...lets see....I have no money now, i won't see my family at christmas, and i won't even be able to walk to my mailbox unless i hear this stupid thing beeping on my ankle.
I told you i was a little scattered....a little too late to try and reconcile what i've done....now i just need to wait for the consequenses....

thanks for listening or reading....




Oh yeah...when i got home I slid in cat vomit in bare feet...not once but twice...i thought I cleaned it all up and the ***** threw up again and I didn't see it.....SEE...my luck.

It sucks to be in early sobriety and have to face the consequences of our drinking.  It would be so much nicer if we could have those consequences later on, after we have a year or two under our belt and our emotions stablize.  That would be so nice.   BUT, life on life's terms sucks.  When I came bcak to AA, I was dealing with my divorce, the sale of my house, my daughter's wedding, all my kids not living nearby anymore, and then my son came home from college a heroin addict.  I thought I was going to lose my mind. You are doing so well in not drinking.  It's great that you were able to walk out of that bar.  That's awesome.   Would your family be able to come to your place at Christmas?  One Christmas, my son spent the holiday in rehab.  We had to go visit him there, rather than have him at dinner with us.  I was devastated at that, not because it was a rehab, but because I couldn't have all my kids at dinner together. Here is a link to my favorite story in the Big Book.  It has the popular "Acceptance" passage in it.  Keep reading it when you get to feeling sorry for your situation.  Also, see if you can make a gratitude list on this situation.  One thing I would be grateful for is that you are not going to prison.  I take an AA meeting to the women at Bucks County Prison once a month.  They have to wear bright orange jumpsuits that say "Inmate" on the back.  They have to have a pass to attend the meeting in order to get off the cell block.  They don't get to see their family or friends at all, except for visitations, which are few and far between.  While you may think of yourself as a prisoner in your home, you will have a lot more freedom than they will.   http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_theystoppedintime16.pdf Hang in there.   Hugs, Trish P.S.  I had to chuckle when you talked about the cat vomit.  I have two cats.  One of mine likes to use my clean laundry as her litter box.  Nothing worse than putting on a supposedly clean shirt and having it smell like urine. 

big ole hugs to you BFF.. sweet t!ts it sounds rough.. I know I've been thru alot of what you will be facing.. altho not as long.. but have had house arrest.. no license.. blowie thing on car.. I hated it.. it was embarressing.. and at the time.. I was still drinking.  IT SUCKED.. I would drink at nite thinking blowie thing will be okay.. and some mornings I would get a warning.. it would scare the **** out of me.  Hopefully you can work in AA meetings maybe while under house arrest... Ask your attorney about that if not already.  And you can still go to work.. be grateful.   I look back.. and I THANK GOD for my DUI.. it was a wakeup call.. and I THANK GOD.. I didn't kill someone else while driving drunk.  Can you just imagine the guilt.. the time in prison.. the having to deal everyday with that consequence... and if I killed myself.. the pain I would have caused my parents.. *shaking head*.. if I REALLY think about now while driving somewhere.. I get an anxiety attack.   I'm glad you didn't drink at the bar.. you know it's all on YOU.. it's up to YOU and your HIGHER POWER.. no one can do this for you.. only you.. the grace of GOD.. and AA can get you thru it so you can have a sober easier life.. filled with the PROMISES.  I use to worry about Dan.. sneaking and drinking.. but thought.. I can't do this.. I can no****ch over him.. or wonder or worry.. if he wants to be happy.. have the PROMISES in his life.. live a richer.. and healthier.. and happy life.. He has to want it and work it.    Just like ME..   I could go back to drinking myself... BUT THANK GOD.. I plain and simple don't want THAT LIFE anymore.. I deserve more and to be happy and so do YOU!! You are working it.. you are doing sooo wonderful Lizzie and I'm soo PROUD of YOU.. damnn I wish I was there so we could sit down and chat.. and I'd give you a BIG OLE HUG..   Thanks for sharing...

Ok hon...STOP THE PITY PARTY... look at how FULL your glass is! You've stayed sober! I've never had the guts to step foot in a bar in 21 years! You ROCK girlfriend! You're so much stronger than yesterday, last week, and the beginning of your journey!!!   The life lesson you are going to learn from this won't be forgotten honey...and I'm sure you'll NEVER make this mistake again.  I have faith in you, Liz!  YOU *CAN* DO THIS!!  Big hugs, Marie