Not doing well

Hi Everyone, I am in a really, really bad place these days.  I had a really tough session with my therapist on Thursday night and it just sent me on a tailspin.  I am acting out, but not drinking.  I have yet to get my butt to a meeting, but I hope to do that on Tuesday.   I wish I could talk about what is going on, but I am too embarassed right now.  My mind is racing big time, and I can't relax long enough to write about what is happening. Hugs, Trish

Hi Trish.. sorry you are in a bad place right now..  are there any suggestions on how to cope with what is going on that your therapist suggested??   I understand how some things that we do can be very embarrassing.. we all have our "secrets".. and I know that we feel better.. free ourselves when we are able to share it.. to let go..   I know that you say your mind is racing.. and you cant' concentrate to write.. but perhaps you can just start with a sentence tonight.. and go from there.. kinda like one day.. one hour.. one second.. but you can start with one sentence.. or one word..   if you ever want to share with a person.. an online friend.. I'm here if you want to trust me.  I'll put you in my evening prayers..  please say the serenity prayer yourself!!  hugs, Rhonda

Thanks Rhonda, I appreciate your love and concern.  Problem is, I left my therapy session kind os angry at my therapist, and have been acting out in rebellion toward him.  He apologized for what he said that upset me, but I didn't realize till after I acted out Friday night that I was so angry at him.   The acting out is sex, as I have a friend that I often, lately, see just for a "booty call."  It is unhealthy, and it is not helping me, except that it is the best sex I have ever experienced.  I was married for 25 years and never dreamed sex could be that good.  I also get into the porn when this happens.  It is just another addictive behavior in order to avoid the f***ing feelings I am experiencing these days. I have also been having a really hard time with my food.  I have my one year appointment next week, and I am not at my one year goal.  Plus, I have to fit into some special clothes next week, and I am hating that my stomach is sticking out.  Between my hernia and my not being at goal, I feel fat and ugly again.    My son is getting married Labor Day weekend, and I have a special gown to wear for that.  Plus a special outfit for the rehearsal dinner. To add to my insanity, (yes, I do believe the second step, and that God can restore me to sanity, IF I LET HIM), I really, really want to cut tonight.  I have a history of cutting, and had an episode a while back.  Problem is, I can't cut my upper arms, like I usually do, because I will be wearing sleeveless things next week, and can't have my scars showing.  Not to mention the bathing suit for the pool at the hotel.   I am just blithering right now.  The good news is, I really don't want a drink.  I just don't want to feel the feelings right now.   I have ranted enough. Hugs, Trish

I hope that you were able to get thru the evening without cutting.. I can't relate too much to cutting since I've not been there.. but I can understand that it's equivalent to drinking.. sex.. porn.. gambling..  eating.. shopping.. it's just another way of escaping our feelings.   I know for alcohol.. we work the steps and then work the steps in all aspects of our lives.. is that true for cutting.. ?? that the steps should apply to it as well..??  don't be ashamed..or embarrassed.. we do love you.   I have escaped feelings.. or tried to substitute feelings thru alcohol.. sex.. eating and shoppin.  I've tried to substitiute good in place of those by reaching out on this board or other boards..    You are reaching out too.. and helping others *rather seen or not*.   Altho as I've mentioned.. I'm slacking in getting a sponsor and actually working the steps myself...  I know I must do this.. but I've not made consistant meetings to a specific place inorder to get to know someone.. (woman) to see if I would like.. trust her to be a sponsor for me.  I know this is something I need to do.. but have not.  No excuses..  a gentleman that goes to AA on Tuesday nites.. asked Dan about me.. and if I've gotten a sponser.. he told him no(the truth) and the gentleman said perhaps this needs to be discussed in the meeting..  I'm thinking I need to attend tonight's meeting where he will hopefully be.. and get "motivated" or allow him to lovingly kick my ass.. LOL.. I guess your therapist recognized what he said was upsetting and apologized.. rather he didn't mean what he said.. or just that what he said he meant.. but didn't wish you to be upset.  Many times I say things.. and wish to take them back.. I consider an apology from someone a big step as it is humbling.. I know I have a very hard time saying I'm sorry.. especially to someone who means alot to me.. (don't know why.. it's easier to say I'm sorry to a stranger than to a lover, family or close friend)..  but usually when someone hurts me.. and they are able to say I'm sorry.. I'm able to forgive and move on..  since I know how hard it is to say it and we all do/say things that we regret. take care and be sure to love yourself today Rhonda 

Hi Rhonda, Well, you are right about applying the steps to all of my addictive behaviors, and, as the 12th step says, "Practice these principles in all our affairs."  Wish I could say I succeeded in not cutting. I did make a meeting this morning, which was a really good one. My therapist did not realize that what he said would upset me, till I reacted.  Problem is, I did not realize just how angry I was till much later.  That is the way it has been ever since I have been in therapy with him.  I am afraid to be angry with him, so I don't work through it, and end up acting out.  Understand that I am not afraid of him.  I will call him a heartless ******* to his face, but I can't work through my feelings of upset about things he says or does for some reason. What I do to compensate is I write him letters between my sessions and mail them sometimes.  It helps me process the sessions, and lets him know where I am at, if I mail it. Thanks again, Hugs, trish

Oh Trish - I wish I had a magic wand and could *ding* all this angst away for you!

I can send support and reassurance that this too shall pass.   While I may not fully relate to all of it, I've shared with you about my relationship with my own booty call, so I do know how you are feeling in that regard.  It's been about 8 months since I slept with him last and he does NOT make it easy to continue in that mode.  He wants to take me away for my birthday and my defenses are weakening.  BUT - it's kind of like thinking the drink through - that would be 8 months of growth flushed away.  Been there - done that - for way too many years.

Don't be embarassed; we all love you.

Hang in there - I'm sending good vibes.

Love and light,

M

Thanks Michelle, I sure wish that the sex was not soooooooooo good with this guy.  I mean, it is unbelievable.  During my marriage, it sucked.  I still enjoyed it, because I had nothing else to compare it to, till this guy crossed my path. I guess it is kind of like finding a better drink, after just drinking beer all my life.  Like, I have never tried Zima, and have no clue what it is.  I have no desire to find out what it is as well.   Anyway, I am still in temptation mode, and not sure where and when this will end.   I did make my meeting this morning, so I am at least sober.  Tired, and crazy, but sober. Hugs, Trish

Hey Trish ~ So sorry your struggling right now.  How thing get better for you soon!