Morning peeps!
It has finally come to my realization, started at a meeting last week, but again showed its ugly head this morning in a meeting. Step 2 and 3 are freakin killin me.
(Let's go back a few years)
I was never a drinker before my streak of nastiness came about. My son passing away on his week birthday.
I drank to deal with it. I had RNY, switched addictions moreso to alcohol. These are excuses I am making for myself. Sure AA says some of us simply have mental problems that we could possibly cure with AA. Damnit. I'm done with the excuses. I used that as an excuse last week. Talked to a gentleman in the same situation. He helped me last week and again this morning.
Step 2/3 believing and puttin everything I have into a higher power, which I believed to be God. Jesus Christ. He has failed me. Bible clearly says, a child that isn't baptised before death literally sits in "Limbo" No heaven for an infant that has done no wrong. That's bull**** God doesn't do that, why would he do that? F'ing bull**** if you ask me. Why would God take my first born? That's the worst possible thing you could do to anyone, and I wouldn't wi**** upon anyone. God did it to me. He took my ONLY child.
Now, I clearly have to seperate...spirituality vs. God. Until I get it out of my head that God has done nothing good for me, I'm thinking I have to go with MY God, MY higher power.
I read the bible daily, go to church, pray every damn day to who? God? or, MY God.
Why is this so difficult?
With that being said, I am so excited to say I have 25 days clean. My freggin reality is coming to light, all of these emotions are flooding my gates. I am greatful that I am doing this, with the help of you, and my 2 homegroups. No, I don't have a sponsor...I do however, have a temp sponsor, her name's Val. I've yet to call her, but know she is there when I need her. I TRUST her. I also TRUST with everything I know, the gentleman I mentioned above who had not one, but two children pass away. (Heh, I thought I had it bad.)
I'm doing this without alcohol. Damn man....I feel good.
With that, I'll pass.
October, 1st, 2004-LapRNY
298/157/140'ish
Albert Schweitzer
Hey sweetie.. I'm not catholic.. and not sure if you are. But.. I've heard that about unbaptized babies before.. not that I've read it in the bible.. but have heard say from Cathlic teachings. I searched the internet and found this article from April 2007.. you may find interesting. My personal belief is that the GOD (of my understanding) would not do that to a baby.. the child will be with HIM in heaven. I just thought reading this might help bring you peace of mind.. even tho I think in your heart you already know this. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04 /28/AR2007042800831.html http://www.churchexecutive.com/Page.cfm/PageID/6410 Thanks Lizzie for sharing.. and you'll be in my prayers
"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein