day 11

11...now 12(after midnight) days sober 12 meetings.

Thanks alot Dar....I started my period....which may explain my extreme emotions the past week or so. Or me facing my inner demons without my best friends, Mr. Jameson from Ireland(whiskey) or the lovely Vanilla Stoli's accompanied by a nice cranberry ocean spray mix. Could quite possibly be the dissapearance of a dear friend called Sparks too...nice little lovely malt that tastes like orange pop at 9% alchy, yet works like a red bull. I miss my friends.

I'm just barely making it out of step one when I get home from my meeting tonight only to hit, what appeared to be step 12. My mother the light of my life who passed away in 1997. I have an adoring collage like frame of pictures of only her, on my wall of family pictures. For what ever reason, she fell off the wall 1 week before I got married. Picked her up....brushed her off, got a new hook for the wall and rehung her there proudly. I get homd from my meeting today. Not only did she fall off the wall again, this time bouncing off the couch onto the floor. Not a scratch on her. No damage to the frame, glass or pictures. Mike and I walked into the house in mid conversation, I shreaked a little, as I cut him off in conversation and say "Oh My God, It happened again. The same picture has fallen off the wall twice in the past month. This is a sign of some nature.
I am firmly believing that this was my spiritual awakaning as stated in step 12. How can I have step 12 happening when I can barely get past step 2/3. Step 1 I have down pat. I have fully admitted I am powerless when it comes to alcohol, my life is unmanageable at this point. Step 2, believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us. Step 3 Decided to to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him.

I believe in God, I read the bible daily, I pray daily, 2,3,4,5 sometimes 6 times a day. I've learned new values of the words please and thank you. I wake up every morning, Please God, get me through this day with out drinking. I go to bed everynight, thanking him for getting me through this day. I love God.

I believe the picture falling off the wall a week before my marriage was a sign, telling my you are ok, you are doing the right thing. But today's picture falling off the wall was more like a .....holy **** my higher power is listening to me. Showing me that she is listening to me. Letting me know that her and God are here to help me.

I trust in my higher power. I am being overwhelmed right now with debating on my home group and my sponsor. Trust in my higher power, does not include trust in a bunch of strangers trying to help me. No one helps LIZ...No ones ever reached out to help me. I am very nervous of this next step of finding a sponsor. I hear horror stories of people dying, people relapsing, I had a man crying at one of my meetings this week because he stuck all of his eggs in one basket with his sponsor. His sponsor relapsed, the man cried to the point he couldn't speak properly. That scares me.

This whole experience is scaring the **** out of me. I am not able to chase my thoughts away with alcohol or pot any more. Those were my scapegoats. Now I don't nor can't use them. I have to do this....I am still crying at every meeting, I let my mind wonder on horrific things that happened years ago, and instead of drinking it away, I have to face the reality, that yes, my son has passed away, and yes you have to deal with that. Not sugar coat it any more. Deal with it. It is very hard. Almost too hard. I have no mother or son. My main reason fo drinking and I think....*think* this is why I am an alcoholic/pot head. To cover up the pain and forget the past 4 years of my life.

Suck it up Liz. 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time if need be.

Being sober will be great, is great, right now tho....I am pretty down and miserable. I know it gets better. But when?


With that, I pass.

Thank you LIZZIE.. I updated in my profile/blog the other night.. a friend PM'd me asking how I'm doing.. so I updated it cuz it's been over a month.. I don't think I drank to cover up bad feelings.. I just drank cuz it was fun.. I was partying with friends.. but two years ago.. after my DUI I found I was drinking by myself..  I was too scared to go out and drink.. *and I didn't know how to not drink* so I stayed in and got drunk and called online friends.. or posting online but that too was sad cuz they would talk about partying out with friends.  Then Dan and I met.. and it carried over.. planned drinking days.  Sometimes more than I actually wanted.. I didn't want/need to drink every other day.. or 2/3 times a week.  I preferred a friday or saturday nite.. when I didn't have to work and that was it, but his disease was further than mine.. so he wanted it more and I would go along because I didn't know how to just say no.. I didn't want to dissapoint him.   Not long of that and it got old for me tho.. and a couple times we would have arguements when he was drunk and I wasn't.  He's been here a year and already missed the 1st Thanksgiving with my family.. and also missed a day out with friends of mine due to his disease.  I was able to not drink.. but when I drank it was not controlled.. I drank til in a blackout and then passed out.  We were taking more "chances" again of being out and him driving.  That would scare me when I was in my senses to realize what risk we/he took.  The fear of it all was just building up inside me.. what I was doing to myself.. the life I saw myself heading too.. and I didn't like it. One day (the day before Thanksgiving) I came home and Dan was drunk... I decided I could not live like this.. and he went into treatment.. and I got sober too.  My last drink was 11-17-06..  helping Dan was helping me.. I saw the ugliness of the disease and knew I had to stop.   Well since my stopping..  many things have happened.. I'm learning that my path of recovery is not Dan's path.. I have to work my program.. as he works his.. I struggle if I belong in AA or Alanon.. or do I try and work both.  I've not taken a sponser or followed steps.. I'm not sure if I need too.. I don't want to drink... but I know that I should just to maintain growth.. afterall I'm an alcoholic so I should.. and I am in Alanon and they recommend working the steps too.  But I'm befuddled if I find a sponser in AA or Alanon.. ?? So altho I'm over 8 months out.. I've still alot of growing to do also.  I think perhaps I need to find a person (or persons) with alot of experience out .. and just ask their opinion on what path is best for me.  I guess there is no timeframe on this.. as long as I don't drink.. and continue to participate.  Altho I can't just sit on this either... ummm.. Last nite we went to a new meeting.. and they had info on a weekend with recovering people (AA, ACA, Al-Anon, other) in the Smokies this November 2, 3 and 4th.. called "High in the Smokies"  I would really like to go to this.. cost for condo is 1-2 people $212;  3-4 people $297;  3-4(Loft) $338; 5-6(Loft) $403 PRICE PER CONDO, NOT PER PERSON :-)  *additional nights for $103/107* Would you and Mike be interested.. I can fax you paperwork on it if maybe.. With that, I pass.

Liz, I drank, ate, cut, had sex, shopped, and who knows what else to avoid negative feelings.  I have found that living sober, and not acting out the other ways, is freeing me from bondage.  If you like to read the Bible, Beth Moore has a great study on that subject called "Breaking Free" which you can order from her website.  She is a great author on the Bible.   While the picture falling off the wall twice is spooky, I would not obsess on it.  You are doing what you need to do to stay sober.  Keep up the good work. Hugs, Trish

I love the topic of spiritual awakening. I don't believe this is actually step 12 however.  I think it can ccur anywhere along the path and the Big Book alludes to this as well.  My first taste of spiritual awakening came the night before I went to my first AA meeting.  I was lying in bed, ashamed and horrified that once again I was drunk when I had intended to NOT drink that day.  An audible voice came into my head asking me if I was miserable enough yet to do something about it.  I remember thinking that I was going to take my life, and the same voice said, "why don't you just try an AA meeting first.  Then if that doesn't work, you can kill yourself"   (yeah my mind is a bad neighborhood - don't go into it alone).  Well i prayed.  hard.  I asked for comfort, for strength and for change.  I cried myself to sleep.  I got up the next morning and found a meeting.  I went to the meeting with my tail between my legs, looking like hell, and knowing that this was the only choice besides ending it.  I refused to live my remaining years like my bio-mom.  (falling down stage 4 alcoholic who has nothing and nobody and has ruined her health) Part of my journey since getting into the program and getting sober has been exploring what I *do* believe spiritually.  In the last year, I've read probably 2 dozen books on all things spiritual.  I tend to stay away from the dogma ridden books or organized religious books but focused on spiritual.  Scott Peck is an absolute genious in this arena - I devoured all of his books right away.  (The Road Less Traveled is a great starting point).  I've been on a New Age slant lately reading about the power of attraction and other books that reinforce the fact that God is Us and We are God. - that we in human form are the experiencing side of God, for God cannot know herself without knowing what she is NOT.  Deep huh?  I love this stuff!  (Neale Donald Walsch wrote several - the Conversations With God series being the first - you can also check out such thoughts at www.nealedonaldwalsch.com).  I have read books by the Dali Lama about Buddhism, Rick Warren about my purpose driven life, etc etc... books about spirit guides, shamanism, channeling etc.   My POINT is that I'm seeking.  I *know* there is a spiritual element to me.  I believe it is there.  These thoughts and books help me to really THINK about my spiritual side.  I am learning that it is indeed the most important side.  I do hear voices sometimes, but I always thought they were my thoughts.  I was joking to my best friend the other day - telling her if I had a spirit guide, it was probably close to becoming an alcoholic itself as a result of dealing with me!  giggle. Accept that things exist which we do not understand.  Page 417 of the Big Book sums this up with the section on acceptance.  We have to trust that everything in the universe is exactly how it is supposed to be at THIS MOMENT IN TIME.  We don't have to like it, don't have to know why, and don't have to agree that it's the best way.  We just have to accept. Sooooo with my long winded response... I'll say that relatives that have passed on *do* try to get our attention.  That picture falling might have NOT been a coincidence after all.  Open your mind, eyes, ears and LISTEN to the universe!  It does talk to us!  Besides, believing that it's reaffirmation is harmless - if you take meaning from it, then its' helpful. :-) I'm sending you love today.  Get a sponsor.  Seriously - the main point is that the best way to work the steps is to do it with somebody who has done it already.  The miracle of AA is in those steps.  They DO work.  They also keep us busy DOING something besides hanging on for dear life just not to drink today.  ALSO - something my sponsor reminds me when I loathe being too "needy" is that we are helping our sponsors stay sober by asking them to help us!  That's the miracle of the program. HUGS! love and light, Michelle