To testify or not to testify?...that is the question

I am so confused and I do not know hwy.  My ex is in jail at the moment for domestic violence.  He beat me, poured beer on me, and threw dirt on me and left me on the front lawn (that is the story in short.)  Now, he just got arrested on Sunday and the DA has asked me to testify on Friday.  If I do not testify he comes out but if I do testify they will bargain with him and give him 9 months minimum.  If he does not accept the trial goes to grand jury.  Now, I do not want him out but 9 months seems so long and he would miss Christmas and New Years and Easter.  I know that I should not care but I thought that maybe they would give him 3 months or so.  I will not be living with him after or anything.  We do share our 2 year old Nicholas together.  I am sure custody will be another issue.  I am also scared that if I do put him in jail for 9 months he will be so angry that when he comes out he will hurt me or my mother and grandmother since he knows where they live.  (they live in the same house.)  Has anyone had to go through this?  Has anyone actually testified and felt much better after?  Why do I feel like a bad person if I put him away?  Is this how messed up I am.  This has been going on for about 3 years with the beatings and the arrests and me not showing up in court.  But this time I cannot do it anymore. 

 

 

The worst part is that he left me a message on my voicemail (I have no idea how he is allowed to do this from jail) This is what he said:  “Hello.  I miss you and the baby and just wanted to see how you were.  Also, I hope I DON’T see you on Friday in court because I would like to keep my job and go to treatment and keep my life. Have a good day.  Love you guys.”  He put a big emphasis on the word don’t.  Can you believe he is still trying to manipulate me from jail isn’t he?  I am sorry to babble like this but it really is confusing and other people just do not understand.  They do make sense but I guess I just don’t. I know that I have to thik about me and my son but financially how do I do that?  I make to much to get any state help whatsoever and Long Island is the worst possibl eplace to rent with two bedrooms starting at around $1250 plus utilities.  It is sick and I am so sick and tired of being this sick and tired.

Ok, I guess no one really had a response but I will share what happened today.   The DA called me about 3 hours ago to tell me that all of my order of protections were expired.  But I have copies here at my desk that say they do not expire until October 2008.  She said that since I didn’t go to court last time that they expired but I told her that wasn’t what she said yesterday.  No one ever even told me to come to court the other times, not in the mail or by phone and I even called a few times to check. Yesterday I had one in Suffolk that was valid and one in Nassau.  Now they are both not in the system and the paperwork I have is not valid.  I told her that I know this all happened because he knows that judge from his childhood and from church and she asked me what I was insinuating.  I told her that anyone else that hits a woman is behind bars automatically and they are thinking of letting him out Friday even if I testify?  Well, she told me that he cannot come to the house because I have a stay away order and that he cannot contact me.  This is all bull and I do not understand how they said 9 months yesterday and nothing today.   Nothing in my life is a solid fact and I am a person that lives on fact.  I guess it won’t even bother to go tomorrow.  They want me to see an advocate.  I am not missing a day of work to meet with a freakin counselor taht wants me to live in a shelter…NO THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sorry for venting ...I just thought someone had gone through the same.  But it feels good to write it out.

I think you should testify. That would give you at least nine month to get you and your son, your mother, and grandmother to a safe place. Either way it goes, when he gets out, he will get angry again and you will be hi*****hing bag again. Take the nine months and get yourself together. Worry about the image you are showing to your son. I rather die trying to be free than killed while in bondage. Do you want your son to think this is ok? Is it OK? If he has done all that you say he has done, you do know he could kill you. That is my worse fear. I fear that I will keep telling myself that I can't leave and that I will wait to long waiting for the right time and will end up dead waiting for the right time for him. So he wont think bad of me. I am in an abusive relationship. He doesn't hit me. But he threatens, which is just as bad. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. I know this is how it starts. I wish I could have 9 month to get the hell away from him.  2 bedroom is what would be convenient for you and your son right not. You could live in a 1 bedroom with your son until things got better. Their are ways. You will hve to struggle but it can be done. You are in my prayers.  

i  been there, done that. if he isnt like that normally and just had a bad drunken azz moment, i would let it go, but if this is something that happens all the time, you need to get out.  i never would leave mine because i couldnt afford the bills and just felt bad for him, but it gets to the point where you have had too much.  i finally let him go AFTER i secretly began squireling away some cash for the breakup.  this all happened recently. it was very hard after the divorce, but it healed. i no longer regret it and no longer miss him and now i see what good i did by getting out.  i went and got a better paying job and then i let him go.   it sucks real bad at first. its because you shared a life with this man and to have it all end or even imagine him with another girl is just painful. but once the storm clears, you will thank god for leaving and trust me, i think god has a special spot for us women who deal with this because it does all work out in the end, it just takes a lot of work and yes, it gets bad before it gets better.  but girl, once you get over that hump, and there is no way in hell that you wont get over it, its smooth sailing from there...i recently got everything together and trust me, it was so damn hard. but now i am happy that i am able to be a provider and now there is peace and quiet in my home. no more fighting and no more crying, just peace, quiet and serenity. we will never be rich, but we the happiness and relaxation that comes from leaving will feel great. then once you find that you gotten yourself out of the hole, you can focus on meeting a man because you want to, not because you financially have too. i almost went down that road, but then i started to love being single. the peace in our home now is amazing and this is how you meet a real man.  but mine was a man who waas just downright psychotic.what i realized at the end was, this guy doesnt give a f*ck about how badly he hurts me and ruins my life, why the hell should i care about him? its hard i know...but you need to repay him the same ill coutesy he has been giving to you. plus, i grew up in a home where the things you mentioned went on.  it basically f**ked me up a bit and it took 27 years (my age now) to heal from it.  you cannot let your children deal with this or else they will become or end up with the same kind of person. you will be okay if you leave. i know it feels like you will drown, but thats your heart talking. you are a woman and we have instincts and if something is telling you that this relationship aint right, then it isnt. real relationships have no doubts. as long as you work hard, there is not one damn thing that can stop you. and if he tries to show his ugly head, call the po-po because he will only drag you back down to his level of life. mine tried to hassle me last night so i called his girlfriend up and told her he keeps harassing me and coming by.  he quit calling after that.   sometimes you have to cut bad people out of your life in order to live right.