Damnit.

I truley am an alcoholic, and can't control it.  I ****** up.  I ****** up bad.  I came here to vent, so please don't judge.  I'm 31 years old, I know better and I ****** up.  I need help, I refuse to do it because I'm too stupid and pig headed.  More than likely  I will be going to jail in the near future.  Yes, I ****** up, 2nd dui in 3 years.  I ****** up pretty bad yesterday.  Excuse the language, but I'm pissed at myself, I don't want pity, I don't lectured, I don't want to hear I told ya so's.  I ****** up.   I'm embarrased, ashamed, a ****** idiot, ******g stupid, and too good to get the help I needed before it got to this ******g point...AGAIN.   *shakin head* **** man.  I'm for real going to jail.  I'm for real gonna have a anti-drinking system on my car for a year, that's after my year suspension.  I really ****** up.  There's not a ****** thing I can do about it now.  I'm irritated.  My husband probably thinks I for real am a ******g idiot.  He didn't say that, I asked him not to lecture me.  I need help.  I'm too stubborn to do it.  Who me?  I don't need help, I'm not an alcoholic.....I'm just a ****** idiot.  The bad part is, had I not been shoving my face with food, I probably could have made it home with no worries.  I was traveling at a speed of 17-22 miles an hour, shoving my face with sushi.  I was 2 left turns away from my ******g house.  I couldn't even say the ******g abc's for fuck's sake.  THAT is embarrasing.  He said "Don't sing it, just say the alphabet."  **** me in the ass, I for real ****** up. I need help, and I'm not ready or admitting that I need the help yet.  That's how ******g stupid I am.  I'm still telling myself, I'm cool, I'm not an alcoholic...blah blah blah.  **** you Liz, you Got a dui last night, and got a dui in October of 04-3 weeks after my surgery.   ****

Oh my Gosh....I just went back through all of my posts on this forum. On 7/24/06 I posted with the same title and a similar stupid drinking story. One year later to the day I post using the same title, and stupid f'in drinking story. I'm so stupid man....

You're not stupid.  You say that you are not ready to seek help for your drinking "problem".  Well, if you are looking at jail time, which you stated you might, I guess jail would be your "re-hab".  That will atleast keep you sober for a little while.  Stop beating your self up about it.  You made a mistake.  Everyone makes mistakes or slip up.  I sure do!  I just chalk it up a s a lesson learned in life and try not to make it again. 

The 20 Questions

Take this 20 question test to help you decide whether or not you are an alcoholic.

Answer YES or NO to the following questions.

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking? YES __ NO __

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy? YES __ NO __

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people? YES __ NO __

4. Is your drinking affecting your reputation? YES __ NO __

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking? YES __ NO __

6. Have you ever got into financial difficulties as a result of drinking? YES __ NO __

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking? YES __ NO __

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare? YES __ NO __

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking? YES __ NO __

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time? YES __ NO __

11. Do you want a drink the next morning? YES __ NO __

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping? YES __ NO __

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking? YES __ NO __

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business? YES __ NO __

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?

YES __ NO __

16. Do you drink alone? YES __ NO __

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking? YES __ NO __

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking? YES __ NO __

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence? YES __ NO __

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution because of drinking? YES __ NO __

What's your score?

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

(The test questions are used at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether or not a patient is an alcoholic).

-------------------------------- If you decide that you have a problem.  Then there is a way out. DarDar

I'm sorry hun  i will pray that all works out okay.. or as okay as it can be for you!! you still need to learn Step ONE.. I think.. that you are powerless over it.. there is no.. I will just switch from vodkie to beer... or I will drink 2 out with friends and then more once I'm home.. or I will just drink at home.. get up and go to work.  When i had my DUI.. and had the breath thingie on my vehicle..  I would still drink at home.. and a couple times in the morning.. it still registered alcohol in my system.  Our new bodies just suck up the alcohol in our blood.. so even if I only drank at night and for whatever reason got pulled over the next morning I could have possibly got a DUI *shakes head*   This was/is the hardest part for Dan to realize too.. that he's powerless over it.. he so wanted to believe that he can still drink like "normal people" do.   but we can't.. and you will have to learn that to and hopefully move on.. life is not bad but actually good SOBER it helps to go to the AA and learn everything you can about the DISEASE.. knowledge is good.. also check in with your doctor.. see about getting the RX that helps with cravings.. also get on Chantix it also helps.. *see post on here about it* if you need me Lizzie.. or want to talk to Dan as we find our way too.. please CALL US it helps talking to other alcoholics (at least Dan and I are alcoholics, not saying you are) love YOU... I know you will be super stressed.. as I would be also..  so I'm not even gonna say don't worry.!!  but try to learn something from it.. that was my biggest fear when I was going to drunk classes.. I was wondering how am I gonna keep drinking and not get another DUI... thank GOD I found the answer before I got another one.. cuz it would have been inevitable!!  And the answer... was just to stop drinking.... 

I don't think you are stupid, and I am not judging you.  Each of us had to get to our own personal bottoms before we get help.  For some of us it involves jails and institutins, for others it doesn't.  My personal bottom included cutting my arms and being in the psychiatric ward of a hosptial.   Since I have been sober this time, and more involved in AA, I participate in taking an AA meeting to the Bucks County Prison for the women incarcerated there.  I go not to judge them, but to offer them hope that there is a way to get and stay sober.  I know a lot of people who have had DUIs and they are encouraged to attend AA meetings by their attorneys to show the judge at their hearing that they are working on their drinking problems.   The 20 questions that are above were given to me by my therapist 17 years ago, and I had to be brutally honest and I answered 16 Yes.  I had very, very thick denial.  I have a lot of "I nevers."  I rarely got drunk everyday.  I never got a DUI.  I had the career, and the car, and all that junk when I first came to AA.  BUT, my life was so unmanageable because of my drinking.  When I drank, it was like Pandora's box opened up, and I became a nutcase.   The problem was, I stayed a nutcase, even when I didn't drink.  In AA, I learned a new way to live, without alcohol, and have hope of becoming and staying sane and sober for the rest of my life.   There is hope for you, if you are willing to attend some AA meetings, and listen to some people who totally understand you.  Attend the meetings and look for the similarities you have when people share.  Ask some women for their phone numbers.  Talk to them when you get the urge to drink, and ask them how not to drink.   Hang in there.  There is hope, and you are not alone.   Hugs, Trish

****{{{{{{{{{ BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}**** Almost a year to the day (it was on 7/30/06) I was saying something similar.  I got my dui on that night.  I was in a blackout and I caused a six car pileup.  My vehicle wa**** on all four sides on the interstate in the rain at a high rate of speed - two of those times by tractor trailers.  Like the cliche, I got out with just a few bangs and bruises.  Others were not so lucky.  While I did not kill anybody in the accident (thank God), my insurance had a cap and there are claims that were not paid and are now being filed in civil court against me.   I'm sharing this with you because I completely know how you feel right now - plus the guilt of people getting hurt.  I could have killed somebody and I shudder to think that the guilt I feel today could be even worse. Sooo - nope, no judging here.   Just a iittle perspective.  The consequences for that dui were/are immense:  fines, community svc, risk reduction school, license reinstatement fee, lawsuits, loss of some future job opps (couldn't get a security clearance for example for an awesome FAA job offer), and the guilt!  Did I mention the guilt???  Then there's ego, self-esteem, shame, etc. For *this* alcoholic, it was enough for me to get sober for a while (I almost have a year under my belt), but I won't lie - I had a slip in between - in fact, the day I went to court, I got drunk and stayed that way about 2 weeks before deciding I'd either kill myself or get sober - no other choices really.  That's just me.  But I want you to know where my head was at.  I was in the pity pot and wallowing in it.  I dragged myself to an AA meeting with my tail between my legs, 3 stomach ulcers, dangerously thin (almost 100 lbs) and done, kaput, finished with everything. Flash forward a year (almost).  I have recovered a few of the things I lost:  self-esteem.  I'm beginning to dig me - what a concept!  I've paid my fines; I have a good job  (thank goodness - I'm goign to need it when the judgements roll in); ulcers are healed; back to a healthy 135 lbs; kids respect me again; connected with a higher power.  Life is not perfect, but I'm immensely grateful to come from the brink of suicide to where I am now. I did that with a LOT of hard work on myself.  It's not easy, some of it is not pretty (the personal inventories and facing exactly who I'd been was brutal), but it's all WORTH IT. Liz - I read your posts here frequently.  You are a wonderful person with a caring nature and I hate that you are feeling this way right now.  Nobody can tell you are an alcoholic.  All I can tell you is that in order to get over this, you're going to have to plow THROUGH it - all of it, the tangible consequences, and the self exploration.  Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat it.  Considering how you feel right now, I'm sure that's not a good option.  These sorts of situations rarely get better if the behaviors continue; they get worse.  That's why it's considered a progressive condition. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful.  I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease.  Even now, after all these months of sobriety, my mind sometiems goes to "maybe you're not an alcoholic after all - maybe you just got a little out of control".  It's during those crazy thoughts that I take out my list of personal inventories to remind myself that *I* was more than a little out of control.  I was a virtual tornado ripping through everything and everyone I encountered. I know you're reeling.  I'm sending love and light your way.  Try and find some grattitude in the situation (i know you are probably rolling your eyes by now).  You didn't hurt anybody (but yourself - and she is dammed important too!), you didn't kill anybody, and you CAN recover from this.  Sometimes the universe smacks us around a little bit to get our attention. Please - email me if you want to talk or IM off the board.  I'm here for you.  I've been where you are. Love and hugs, Michelle

Michelle-  I remember your post very vividly thinking, holy cow...a car pile up and not remembering, thank God I have never been in a situation like that, thinking, Jesus Christ, that could be me, thinking Someone has serious angels watching over her for allowing her to keep her life in such a mish mash of an accident. I am by no means rolling my eyes at you for what you are telling me, you are exactly right.  I thank you for sharing a year ago, and again today.  I'm not rolling my eyes but nearly ready to cry and it's 7.53 in the morning and I'm at my desk at work. I argued with myself in the commute to work today, I'm very angry today.  Not for the dui, but for the fact that I know I am not an idiot, nor am I stupid, I have  a masters degree for Christ's sake.  I'mn ot dumb.  I was so pissed in my car this morning that all I kept repeating  "I hate alcohol, I ******g hate alcohol" then I (still talking out loud to myself)..."Liz, alcohol is just a liquid, it's an object, I ******g hate myself for being so stupid, this is not the alcohol's fault it's your own"  i repeated it over and over again trying to justify, there is no justification.  I need help, and I am now 4days sober.  4 days sober and it's friday.  Friday is happy hour day every week.  I want my happy hour.I need my happy hour.  Instead I'm opting for a meeting at 6 instead of happy hour from 5-7...which I usually end up there till midnight or so.  Beginners meeting at 6 tonight, closed, so everyone will understand, I am going to tell them exactly what I said here and ask them for a solution of some nature to why I'm feeling like a shmuck.  *shrugs* This too shall pass, and thank you for caring. Liz