i really just dont know what to do

hey... I am back.  Things were going well.  Then I started drinking agian.  I went to aa.  I didnt like it at all.  I went a few times.  I felt so out of place.  So... I started IOP.  Which I love.  Its awsome.  I feel like I can talk about anything.  But as much as I like it... I still drink.  Its like i just like I have this hudge intensity to feel nothing.  I am actully really scared.  I am so lonely.  I have guys who are intersted in me.  But I feel like if I jumped into another relationship right now... that would just be self distructing.  Not that thats not what I am doing right now... it would just make things worse.  And its so easy to drink cause I live alone.  I feel like I want to stop... but sometimes I am not sure.  Is that bad?  I just have no clue what I want right now.  I feel like I am slowly running my life into the ground.  I am so scared going to work everyday hung over... smelling like alchol.  I really just dont know what to do.  I feel like I am trapped between and rock and a hard place.  How do you change when you dont really know what to change to?  I am so frusterated!

Lots of reassuring hugs to you..!   Have you thought of in-patient therapy?  You have definately reccognized your addiction.  Now you just need the push.  I wish you all the best.

Hey Erin - big hugs to you. Honestly -  nobody can make you WANT to stop.  That comes from within.  In-patient treatment however, can remove the intoixicants from your domain for long enough so that your rational mind takes over the addiction riddled part of your mind.  THEN you can speak from what Erin wants as opposed to what Erin's disease wants. You have a light inside you that wants to shine.  You have love to give and love to receive in your lifetime. You are making a choice to snuff out your light.  That's tragic. How do you change?  One day at a time.  One minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time.  Never give up.  I've been where you are at mentally, and I know it sucks.  The miracle however is that it CAN be a temporary state.  You CAN get past/over/through it and become the soul you are meant to be.   The first step (even if you are NOT into AA) is truly acknowledging your life is managable and WANTING to stop the roller coaster.  If you don't want it, there's nothing anybody else can do for you but pray for the light to get through.  I'm sending up such prayers for you, and I'm sure others are too. You CAN do it.  Honestly.  I promise.  You just have to want it more than you want to drink.  I'm rooting for you girl! Love and light, Michelle

I echo Dana's suggestion for inpatient alcohol treatment.  It would get you away from the alcohol for a while, and give you some insight as to what is going on in you that triggers your alcohol consumption. By the way, I felt out of place in AA for years.  I still went and got sober in spite of how I felt. Good luck, Hugs, Trish

I believe that you drink only because your body needs it.. you need to go inpatient so that you are physically removed from the bottle.. so that you can get better.  I truly believe that you want to stop but your addiction is not allowing you to do this on your own..  you need help.. other than outpatient.  Once your body nolonger needs the alcohol.. you will then be able to think much clearer.. and outpatient will help you the rest of the way. hugsss and best wishes, Rhonda