i drank last night

and i am a mess today.   I am not sure what I am doing.   I am so drink right now... i my parents are here and my mom is crying.  i dont know what to do.  i am balling my eyes out rigth now.  i feel like i want to give up.

Recovery is not about being perfect.  It's about moving forward NO MATTER WHAT!!!!  I had plenty of slips, slides and relapses before I got what I have today.  Get to an AA meeting ASAP, and share what you shared here.  Find a sponsor and call her everyday.  If you have other issues, on top of alcohol addiction, think about getting a therapist to work on those issues as well.  That is what I have had to do, because I am dealing with other mental health issues in addition to alcoholism and eating disorders.   If you need, PM me and I will send you my phone number.   My philosophy of life is this: Never give up.  Never surrender.   Hugs, Trish

Erin, sometimes it's 2 steps forward and one step back. I agree with Trish, recovery isn't about being perfect, just don't give up on yourself. You really do have the strength inside of you. I had to reach really deep, and it's only been 33 days sober for me today. Your parents love and care for you so much, and I've a feeling they are afraid you could die. Fact is, we are physically altered, and especially because of that, that fear could very well come to pass.  Do you have a doctor (general practicioner) that you see? If you don't, establish one. Tell him about your surgery, and tell him you are struggling with alcohol. I did, and that began the whole process of stopping for me. My doctor has been monitoring my liver profile since February this year. My counts have been quite high, and he ordered an ultra sound of my liver. Thankfully I haven't done permanent damage to it, but it wasn't too far off for me. I was put on 20 mg of Prozac for mild depression, and also a low dose of Lexapro for anxiety. He told me this is temporary, and not something I would be kept on indefinately. There are other methods available to assist you, but you have to be very honest with yourself and your doctor. I had my mom and my almost 16 year old daughter go with me on my first doctor visit to validate my honesty to my physician. I'm sure your parents would go with you too, you don't have to do it alone. I even gave my doctor permission to discuss my progress with my parents, husband and sister if they asked or if he felt necessary... he's kept my mom informed (smile). I promised myself, my God, and my family that I would stop and so far I have (short as it's been). Abstinance is not an easy thing to do, but it's alot easier than writing my  epitaph (sorry to be so blunt). Erin, I know that you can quit too. How do I know? Because you are pouring out your feelings and fear on this board; because you've identified a character flaw in yourself that I and lots of others on this board identify with; because you WANT to stop, and because you know how this is hurting your mom and dad to see you struggling with this pain. You're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Empower yourself by continuing to move forward, even if you stumble along the way. Better to stumble but keep moving forward, than to stop and say, "I give up, I'm not worth the fight".  Make an appointment with your doctor first, and keep in touch. You can always email me, I'll send you my phone number if you want to talk in person. I have been drinking since I was 23, and really heavy about 32. Until recently, I have been a heavy wine drinker for the past 13 years, and honestly, the path I'm on, I don't think I had another 6 years ahead of me. Much Love & Huggies Galore, Marina I have absolutely NO DOUBT that you will win this fight!!!!

Erin, DON'T GIVE UP! You are SO worth your sobriety!  Ask your folks to take you to an AA meeting as soon as you can find one ASAP....don't give up on yourself hon!  Marie

so perhaps you've learned that you are MORE addicted than what you thought.. don't give up.. we are not perfect.. I would say then you need to go to DETOX.. you need to remove you from having access to the bottle.  Your body may actually be needing the drug.. so you need to be in an environment to were you are not able to get it.. but they will also give you medication to help you ween off it.  Did you know that there is a prescription out there that you can take to help with cravings..??  and also one to help so that you do not have a stroke.. which detoxing can cause. Anywho.. speak to a doctor.. or call around today to see if you can admit yourself to a rehab for detox and aftercare.. my boyfriend was in 14 days.. I think the longer you can stay the better results you will have..   you will be okay.. just don't give up on yourself.. and don't be so hard either..

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Think about how you feel right now.  It took me a long time, but I got so tired of waking up sick and tired.  I hated the way I felt the next morning.  It was horible.   Keep moving forward.  I treasure waking up clean and sober every morning now.  No regrets, no pain, and no self-hate.  You can do, and it feels so good. The sun will shine for you...just keep reaching for it.

Proof of one's character is not in how we fall; it is in how we get back up. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful.  For an alcoholic, not drinking is an unnatrual state.  You are not the only person to slip.  Hell, I slipped a few times before I finally managed to string together a few days of sobriety.  The difference between you and me, is that YOU are here being 100% honest about it, whereas I was too ashamed to do so at that point in my recovery.  Kudos to you! To recover, we have to be 100% honest.  If you got a "big book" at your AA meeting the other day, read the first 164 pages.  Then read them again (you can google Alcoholics Anonymous big book to get an online version).  Sit down with a pen and paper and write a drinking history - go back to your first drink.  Don't leave anything out.  Include the consequences of your behavior.  This is for YOUR eyes only, so be honest and blunt.  This was a very important tool for me when the urge to drink came over me.  I would re-read this history - REAFFIRM my step ONE - I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanagable. Talk to your doctor as others have suggested.  If in-patient detox is not an option, definitely talk to your doctor and see what you can do on an outpatient basis.  THEN, also as others have mentioned, go to an AA meeting and share - share it all.  If you need a "babysitter" (as I certainly have), ask for some of the women's phone numbers.  You'd be amazed to find that they will come sit with you, drag you out shopping, hang out with you and HELP YOU be accountable while going through the first few days.   Pray....  I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but even if you don't BELIEVE in a higher power, fake it.  Ask God, the Universe, Elmo, whomever to help you.  Rinse, repeat. These things seem kind of trite, as I've written them here, but they work.  prayer, fellowship, honesty..  a good start.   Read those 164 pages..  at LEAST :) We'll love you until you can love yourself.  Promise. Hang in there - get back up on that horse.  You can do it. Michelle

Hello, I am actually an old member (so old I can't remember my initial userid).   I feel so bad for your because I know what you are going through.  You aren't alone.  Believe me, this so called "addiction transfer" was not a section on this site when I first joined.  I had the surgery in 2000 and my husband in 2001.  Two co-workers and my neighbor also had the surgery.  Within 12 months my husband became a full-fledged alcoholic and everyone I know who had had the surgery has had some sort of problem (mental breakdown, panic, addiction, etc).   I firmly believe that this is not happening because of some psychological defect but rather a result of malnutrition and malabsorption.   Within six months I recovered from a suicidal depressed addict to back to my old happy optimistic self using supplementation and nutrition.   It wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight.  I was fortunate that I lived by a very good teaching hospital (Shands in Gainesville) and was able to get medical advice.  This is such a new phenomenona and it was difficult to find a doctor who would take the time and run the medical tests.  Also, I had to get over blaming myself and my shame and talk about it (I ran a support group at Nasa).  Nobody would discuss this openly, but they would come to my privately. If you are interested in what I did feel free to check out my regime developed with the help of a great endocrinologist.   This was done primarily with vitamin supplements.  I'm not selling anything but just want to get this information out because it is devastating.  First the shame of being fat, then the shame of being an addict.     I did a quickie little geocities site at http://www.geocities.com/lisanelson_2 I've received some positive feedback that it is helping others, but also heartbreaking tales.   I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope you can believe that you can overcome this.   But realize that much of this is your brain starving and not operating properly. All the best. Lisa Nelson