Stilly Crazy After All These Years

I saw my therapist tonight.  I had a meltdown a few weeks ago, and had an episode of cutting and acting out with sex, and almost drinking.  Since then, I have made 14 AA meetings in about 17 days.   In my session we discussed my vulnerability to men, and how I am seeking to have a man validate my existance on earth.  The session was hard work, because I am working through a lot of sexual abuse issues and trying to be rational.  It is hard to admit, even to him, how vulnerable I am.  I have not had a serious relationship since my divorce six years ago.  I had a couple of dates, but they did not materialize for a variety of reasons.  Since losing the weight, my vulnerability factor has risen faster than my emotions have matured.   I am not sure I am making any sense or not.  I just know that I still have a lot of work to do on myself.  I also know that I do not stand a chance of being emotionally healthy and working on any of this if I drink again.  Therefore, I continue to make meetings.  Prior to two weeks ago, I was only making a meeting every 4 to 6 weeks.  My brain was jello most of the time.  Now, with the meetings I am attending all the time, I am focused on what is important, and my self-esteem is rising in a healthy way.   I went to a post-op support group meeting at the hospital where I had my surgery this week.  The topic of the meeting was addiction transfer.  I shared where I am at.  There are a lot of people who are totally clueless about this potential problem. I have to get going.  Just trying to connect. Hugs, Trish

Hi Trish, glad you posted. I don't think you're crazy at all. As someone on the outside, only knowing you a very short time through your postings, I see a woman of great strength. You have realized and identified your short commings, and are working through them in a way that best works for you (therapy and AA). Setting the negative behavior aside, you are taking a healthy and positive approach to resolving your personal short commings (something we all have wether we have an addiction or not). Never, ever underestimate your accomplishments. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back. That doesn't mean we've failed ourselves. We only fail ourselves if we throw in the towel and say, "Well, this is as good as it gets." Set backs are not a measure of failure, but acts more as a motivator in continuing to move forward. That's what I see about you in reading your posts. As the oldest child of two girls, I moved to this country when I was fifteen. My parents were determined that we would be self reliant so that when the time came that they closed their eyes for the last time, they could rest knowing that we could handle what came our way. They were tough on us but it paid off for my sister and I. My problem stems probably from expecting alot more out of myself and not recognizing that I'm okay the way I am. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have contributed more to your self healing than you give yourself credit for. You are much more stronger than you are letting yourself think you are. Take care Trish, and don't hesitate to email me. My email is [email protected] Huggies Galore, Marina

Have I told you lately how awesome you are?  :) When I was working 72 hours a week about a month ago, I went on a meertng hiatus also and made myself totally nuts.  I was HALT personified, and I was willingly doing it to myself via compulsive working.   After getting back to basics and connecting more with my AA fellowship and getting my butt back to meetings, I found myself much more grounded and focused on taking care of ME in a loving way. I have a long history of acting out sexually.  My 4th step consisted of MANY pages of sexual behavior notes.  I divorced 10 years ago, and have not had one healthy adult relationship since.  I have had a long time relationship, but it's been a "safe" one (if you follow) as he's never had any intention of being a life partner etc - more like good friends who sleep together ever so often.  In between he and my little spats however, I've had lots of little short time affiars (not to mention the men I hooked up with when drinking)   Getting sober for me also included acknowledging this about myself and cutting off this behavior as well as the drinking and drugging.  Now I find that I have no idea how to relate to a man in any other way.  I'm attractive and successful, kind and fun, but there doesn't seem to be any male interest.  My sponsor says that I have trouble showing *MY* interest out of fear and discomfort in relating to the opposite sex based only on my non sexual attributes.  She also tells me to not worry about it for another several months anyhow :) I think the true gift of sobriety is insight.  So many people go through life not really knowing themselves.  If they did, they'd find that they too are kind of screwed up.  LOL  My sobriety has been such a gift.  I've learned and grown more in 8 months than in my 37 previous years. I'm still a nutcase too - I have been struggling with compulsive eating lately and got up this morning praying that I could 12 step that problem too.  Growth... progress... not perfection. Damn it's really hard to be kind to ourselves sometimes isn't it? You really inspire me girl - love ya! Michelle

Michelle, Thank you for being so honest in your post.  Part of my meltdown a few weeks ago was sexual acting out.  I have been divorced since 2001.  Prior to my 25 year marriage, I slept with everyone.  My therapist says it is symptomatic of my sexual abuse when I was 15.  Point is, I learned to relate to men, manipulate men, get my validation from men, through sex.  Thank God, I was able to maintain some sexual celibacy for a few years after my divorce.   Unfortunately, when my husband remarried, I tried the dating game.  I met a guy who was only interested in sex.  Problem is it was the best sex I had ever had.  He and I are friends who only get together for sex.  I try to behave and avoid him, but I use him like I used alcohol and food.   Well, back to my meltdown.  After my last romp with him, I was so upset with myself, I started cutting, another addictive behavior.  I had wanted to get drunk all week, and the sex and cutting just were substitutes.   Well, I called my sponsor and my therapist.  Both suggested it would be a good idea to make some meetings.  My sponsor even challenged me about doing a 90 in 90.  I was about to tell her all my good reasons for not doing that, like I am too busy.  I realized immediately that I was full of S***.  I have 6 a.m. meetings available 2 miles from my house.  I have a 6:30 a.m. meeting available on Sundays.  The neat thing about meetings at the crack of dawn is that the people there are serious about sobriety and there is little 13th stepping going on.  Plus, people are usually in a hurry to get to work. You are right about recovery programs offering insight and cognitive restructuring.  I find I learn more and more about myself and my need to keep myself grounded the more I go to meetings. Sorry for this being so long.   Hugs, Trish