I'm Winning The Battle

I'm winning the battle,  but the war isn't over.  I am 3 yrs post op (rny). I rarely if ever drank liquor, my choice of poison was Merlot or Cabernet wine (champagne if I was treating myself). I've drank wine since I was 23 (currently 45). I never considered I had a drinking problem, what I really had was a stopping problem. As long as there was wine in the box or bottle, I wouldn't stop until it was gone or I'd pass out. It really began to escalate last fall, when I began drinking at 5 a.m. just to "get going". It got to the point that I would shake and the only thing that would stop the shakes was to drink more wine. I tried AA and counseling for 2 months, but I didn't get much out of either one. Saw my PCP who is extremely caring, and he began monitering my liver enzymes through blood work. Well, the liver enzyme count kept creeping up. I wasn't completely honest with him in that I was feeling a constant dull pain in my upper left  abdominal area (liver location) which I never disclosed. He ordered  an immediate ultra sound of my liver which I will discuss the results with him this upcomming Friday. I am happy to say that I am 21 days sober today, and have not had one sign of withdrawl or cravings. I don't know what made me think that there wasn't a life unless I was smashed, but there is. My husband and teenage daughter have noticed a marked improvement in my attitude and demeanor as does my employer, parents and sister. My mom kept encouraging me to stop drinking. She would say "You stopped using drugs just like that" (that was in my teens and early 20's - decided to go to college instead). She said "You quit smoking just like that too, so why don't you do the same with drinking?" (Yeah, I smoked for 11 years - quit now 18 years). I'm not sure what the definition of addiction is... physical... mental... or maybe a little or alot of both... beats me. I feel really strong and empowered, and God willing, I hope I haven't damaged my liver to the point of no return. Something I suppose I'll find out on Friday. In the 21 days I've been sober, the pain in my upper left abdomin area has subsided so here's hoping! Stay positive and focused. Only you can undo what you've done, and believe it or not... reach deep down inside of you and you will find the strength you need. It's in all of us. Feel free to drop a line if you want to talk. I'll let you know what I find out on Friday. Love & Huggies Galore, Marina

I loved reading your story Marina!  Woooo Hooooo. I began drinking heavily after my WLS.  My liver was not doing so well.  I have now been clean and sober for over 3 years (with one last major binge in there), and my liver panels are great. I hope you read that article about nutrition.  I think it is very important that we take our vitamins and suppliments daily.  I know it makes a big difference for me. And yes....it is so hard to live with an active alcoholic.  Do it for you first, and your family next.

Hi SFCynthia, yes you are right on many levels. Drinking and the lack of nutrition is a major red flag, and all too often the two go hand in hand which leads to a host of liver diseases namely... cirohsis of the liver (often incurable). Then there is the issue of living with an alcoholic. Alcohol distorted my personality entirely. After two glasses of wine, I was on my way from being a positive, upbeat and in control of myself person to being well on my way down the path to wasteland and ugliness. It was a side of me that, I'm sure like most alcoholics, just didn't like myself, attitude, outlook and behavior. I have found that since it's impossible for me to stop after one or two glasses of wine, it's much easier to abstain and not even go there. Funny, in the 21 days of sobriety, I've gone from the smashed drunk to the designated driver and I don't feel left out in the least. I have found that I can party and have a great time and not be under the influence of mind altering substances... Amazing! Like I said in my first post, I've won the short term battle, but the war still rages on. The way I see it, I'm the only one that can help me. Thanks for listening, Huggies -Marina

I wish you all the best in staying stopped.  I can't do it without AA.  It took me a very long time to get what I needed in AA, but I kept going back till I got it.  I am also in therapy and have been for a very long time.  Again, it took me a long time to get what I needed there, but I kept going until I started getting it. Hugs, Trish

Hi Trish, just got back from a seafood festival here in my county. It consisted of a live band, all the seafood, beer, mixed drinks and Guinea Punch (county concoption), soda, coffee you can eat or drink. Well the punch sounded good, so I had them mix me a "virgin" Guinea punch (cranberry and orange juice). It was really great! My sister and her husband can attest to the fact that I stayed absolutely alcohol free, and they themselves enjoyed beer and Guinea punch. My mom even asked my sister if I abstained and she said yes. It didn't bother me at all. Like I said earlier, the battle is short term, the war will be won by staying the course. We are the only ones that can fix ourselves. I once had someone tell me that nobody can make you happy, only you can create your own happiness, and I believe that to be true. So in view of that, I'm going to move forward and be happy, positive and upbeat!  Tri****hink it's remarkable and admirable the route you took to becomming a healthy person once again. I find it fascinating that what works for one person can be very different from what works for another person. It's what sets us apart from one another yet we strive to achieve the same goal. Amazing! Love and Huggies Galore, Marina

That is awesome that you were able to go and have them mix you an alcohol free drink.  Good for you.  When I was first getting sober, I found such environments to be extremely stressful.   Don't get me wrong.  I am not an AA purist by any stretch of the imagination.  I first attended AA in 1989, and hated it.  I resisted it off and on for over 8 years, hating it, and all the nutcases who attended the meetings, the entire time.  I only attended the meetings to shut my therapist up.  I then tried a different program.  It is called SMART Recovery.  It has a solid theoretical basis in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), by Albert Ellis.  I found it extremely helpful, and still utilize the REBT model for my own thinking.  Problem was there were no face to face support group meetings of this group in my area.  The online support was only helpful to a certain extent.  Eventually, I picked up alcohol again.  My personal need is the face to face support I get from the people in the meetings.  So, in 2001, I went back to AA.   When I was in graduate school, I researched recovery programs for women.  In addition to AA, and SMART, there is also Sobriety for Women.  I could not find a group in my area for that either.  The closest one is over an hour away.  It was then that I accepted that, for me, AA is my recovery program.  It is most convenient for me, and it fits my spirituality.  If the other programs were equally available, I may not be saying that.   There is also a Christian recovery program that is growing in availability and popularity throughout the US.  It is called Celebrate Recovery.  There they deal with all of the addictions a person may have.  I have that geographically available to me, but have never gone because of my work schedule this year.  In graduate school, I studied to be a psychotherapist.  My therapist and I have discussed, at length, my need to take care of myself and protect my sobriety, because I risk losing my social work license if I drink.  I learned through my relapses and near relapses that I must work my program to stay sober.  I have learned that my recovery journey and choices allow me to be a more effective therapist for my clients in early recovery.  I also am fully aware that there are many people who do not need AA.  I used to be jealous of them.  I felt ripped off because I HAD to attend the meetings.  It was like a death sentence to me.  But, I no longer feel that way.  I finally, and I do say finally, enjoy my meetings.  It took me 18 years to be able to say that, but I am a slow learner.  I also learned that what works for one may not work for another.  That is why there are other recovery programs out there.   I do know that research shows social support, in whatever shape or form that comes in, helps a person in stopping and staying stopped from drinking.  I would encourage you to afford yourself of the social support you may have in family, friends, church, synagogue, coffee club, whatever gives you support.  I do not believe that we humans were meant to go through life, and struggles, alone.   I hope this makes sense.  God bless your efforts to stay sober. Hugs, Trish

Hey Marina,

I just wanted to say that I have so much MORE fun at social events as a sober person.  I am completely at peace with saying goodbye to alcohol and drugs.  They just ruined me and my life.  So I am free!

But it did take a while.  I had to stay away from events that had alcohol at first for sure.  Now it is no problem.  I am far more relaxed and can laugh without it.  Far better conversations instead of watching the bottles and glasses.  Ug!

I was just like you... I was not pretty when I drank.  stupid, sloppy, and either obnoxious and rude,  or crying...  or all of the above!