Transferring big time this weekend.....

I am spiralling here today. I no longer even think about picking up a drink, but I bought myself some clothes. I haven't shopped QVC in almost a month...Macy's got me today. I had to hit the mall to pick up a bracelet at the jewelry repair shop and wandered in under the guise of buying two towels for the bathroom. I got those (under $10 for 2) but spent another $145 on clothes. I justified it by saying it's for work AND our Philly trip. I've done well not baking...not over-eating...not drinking...OY but the shopping.  This weekend I bought a floral wreath for my aunt's 90th b-day gift, and got one for myself. Then I got the towels and clothes at Macy's...then I ordered some stuff from overseas that I wanted. NONE of this was an absolute necessity. I have to stop spending before I hit rock bottom. This is as bad as drinking for me. Since I've been dry I've also quit smoking...and that started my binge eating. I have done well not baking when I'm stressed out, and being careful to keep a closer eye on my health, but the spending is starting to scare me. I'ts not 'uncontrolled' (yet) and I don't want it to GET there.  I just read Trishs' post...and I think it's time for a meeting.

Having just come from my therapist's office, I will encourage you to do what I have had to do since my emotional relapse last week.  While I did not drink, I did act out big time last week.  I had to pick up my meetings and self-soothe.  Get to some meetings, if you are part of AA or OA, or whatever social support you belong to.  Also, make some phone calls to support people.  In addition, try taking a walk, or exercising everyday just to relieve the stress.  Then there is journaling, deep breathing, sipping tea, meditation, soft music, whatever works.  I am still recovering from my crash and burn last week. Hugs, Trish

I had to go back to my self-soothing list and work on some of my self-soothing. Make AA meetings. Call my sponsor Exercise Meditation Prayer Soft Music Tea Time Journaling These are things I have  to do regularly.  I have been trying to make a meeting a day. My emotional relapse last week was scary.  I acted out with sex and cutting, but did not drink. Hugs, Trish

Trish, The cutting part scares me! My daughter suffered trauma many years ago and was a cutter. She now is secure in herself (for now and thank G-d) doesn't need to release stress in this way.  Please be careful hon. I'm here if you need a friendly voice. I think all of us could use a little of that for ourselves! Hugs, Marie

Thanks for the encouragement.  I had been really out of control with the cutting in the past, but not too much till last week.  I had a really good therapy session this afternoon and then got encouraged to pray and read the Bible this afternoon.   Bottom line is that I have not been feeling too good about myself.  Even losing the weight does not change my lousy self-esteem.  In fact, it actually brings it to the forefront big time.  I can't hide behind the fat anymore.   I am so glad that I have a program in the 12 Steps and can work it to change the way I think. Hugs, Trish

Trish, I had planned to go to a meeting tonight but my husband and I are in crisis too. I need to talk things out with him first. I wonder though, if I have that backwards and should put ME first. This is one thing I still have trouble with...a great deal of it. I also wonder that I'm nervous about re-entering a meeting since I've been absents for going on 18 yrs. now. I wasn't a regular member as it stood, I went when I needed to. Right now I feel I need to, and am very apprehensive. I'm not really sure why. Marie

I understand your apprehension about going to the meetings after being absent.  I felt funny too.  Thing is, once you go to the first one, it is like riding a bike.  Ask for phone numbers and let yourself be treated like a newcomer.   I can't tell you what to do about your marital issues in this.  First things first is a tough one because when I was married, my marital troubles triggered my drinking and acting out.   Take care of yourself.  If you can get to a meeting, do so.  Hugs, Trish

Funny thing ... tonight my daughter called. She knew soemthing was wrong and said..."is it BAD"? I said nothing to worry about...(she has finals next week and her wedding the week after that!) She reminded us that we've dealt with worse and come through ok.  The marital stuff doesn't make me want to drink...that isn't even an issue....Because I know one is too many and one thousand would NEVER BE ENOUGH...but the other monkeys on my back have to find a new tree. And a meeting tomorrow should help.  The one good thing about working the whacked hours I do is that there are plenty of meetings in the morning!  Thank you again, Marie

I am glad you are able to sort through this and make it to a meeting tomorrow.  Here in the Philly area, where I live, we have so many meetings available, I have no excuse for not making one.  This go round, I am making them at 6:00 a.m.  Even on Sunday morning, my sleep-in morning, I was at a 6:30 a.m. meeting.   I believe you mentioned going to Philly soon.  Where will you be when you go there?  I am a Philadelphia Public School Teacher by day.  Raving lunatic by night.  LOL. Wedding plans are very exciting.  My son is getting married in September, in St. Louis.  He was born when we lived in Massachusetts.  My husband was stationed at Ft. Devens, and my son was born in Fitchburg.  I loved it there.  Never wanted to leave it, but we had to return to Pennsylvania when he got out of the Army. Now, I am babbling.   Hugs, Trish