Ashamed

I hate when I think about the wreckage of my addictions and become so ashamed of it sometimes.  First there is the alcoholism, and the damage I did to my marriage and my kids.  Then there is the food addiction, and how it has caused me to be morbidly obese and require radical surgery, and years of psychotherapy.  Then I have the shopping addiction, and the thousands of dollars of credit card debt.  I won't even discuss the sex addiction, because that is just making me crazy with its temptations lately.   My therapist keeps reminding me that my life did not happen in a vaccuum.  I didn't just wake up one day as a teenager saying, "I think I will become an addict."  Like, who sets that as their goal growing up?  There were a myriad of issues in my childhood which set me up to develop my addictions, as well as some personality issues.. All of this combined to create a pattern of behaviors whi*****lude very, very low self-esteem, in addition to the addictions.  That low self-esteem is entrenched in shame, which has become my identity.   So, I am just working through all of this, trying not to beat myself for where I am at today.  I am sober over five and a half years.  I have lost 83 pounds so far with the surgery, since August.  I have paid down my enormous credit card debt for the past 18 months, and have another 42 to go.  I am just beginning to work on a dating relationship since my divorce, and walking the tightrope with that where sex is concerned.   All in all, it could be much worse.  I could still be drinking.  I could still be over 300 pounds, and I could still be shopping and adding to my debt instead of paying it off.  Worse yet, I could be sleeping with every guy in Pennsylvania who would have me.  So, I have improved my life considerably in the past five years. Sorry to babble.  I just needed to do some reflection this morning. Hugs Trish

Oh Trish, be nice to yourself. It is not easy but it is worth it. Hugs, Laurie

Laurie, It is so good to hear from you.  Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs, Trish

Many hugs to you Trish!!

Thanks, Dana.  I need all the hugs I can get.  I am good at giving them too.  Hugs, Trish

  You have come so far, you should have no shame.  We all make mistakes, some really big some really small, but there is no such thing as perfection.  You sound like you really can identify what your problems are and want and have   done something about it, which takes so much courage because it is so much easier to do nothing at all.  Hugs, Joan

Hi Joan, Thanks for the encouragement.  It is so tempting to not do anything about my situation, and just drink it away.  But, I know from experience, that does not solve my problem, just exacerbates it.  I am so grateful for this messageboard and the people here that are willing to take some time out of their lives to encourage one another.  Hugs, Trish

Trish, BIG hugs to you!  There is always collateral damage in addictions. We always damage our relationships on the way to rock bottom, most of all, ourselves.  You are my hero! I found this board and you welcomed me openly, told me your story and offered me suggestions.  I felt like I was talking to a kindred spirit. Just for a moment consider the steel will and courage it takes to get.and stay sober!!  That is no easy feat and not everyone makes it!! You've not ONLY gotten sober, you're gettng out of debt and taking care of your weight and your health, too! You are one amazing woman!! Anytime you forget this, just post here and I'll be very happy to remind you!  Next time you feel down and ashamed of the actions that brought you to today....give yourself a pat on the back for seeing it, changing it, and working to repair that collateral damage!  Love, Marie!

Thanks, Marie, for the encouragement.  I guess I am a work in progress, and I don't see the good I do most of the time.  You are right, I am in the process of changing my situation and making it better.   Thanks again. Hugs, Trish

babble away.. i think it's part of the healing process..I know sometimes I think of my driving drunk and shudder of what could have happened.. personally your babbling has made me realize how far I've come as well as yourself..  you are a strong woman and a motivator for being able to overcome any addiction, not  to mention compounded addictions..  WE ALL WILL BE WORKS IN PROGRESS  There is no one without fault.. but a strong soulful person see's their fault and grows mentally and spiritually from it!! Thanks Patricia for sharing...