My story.. Long post..

Hi my name is Erica, and I am an alcoholic. I have debated about posting my story here, but feel that if it will help just one person, it will have been worth it. I have been sober since Jan 26th, 2007.  My drinking life pre- RNY:  I was a true social drinker by definition. Maybe 1 drink a month.. if that. I didnt like to drink. When I went out with my friends, I hated the bar scene, hated seeing all the drunk people, being in the smokey bars, etc.. I was ALWAYS the designated driver.  I was a bore to all of my friends on the weekends.  Oh.. I was also the fat one of the group.  My life Post RNY-11-9-00:  As I started to lose weight and started to look better, regain some self confidence (or so I thought) it was fun to go out.. happy hour was more appealing to me since I felt like I looked better. Then something interesting happened.. it only took 1 drink for me to feel: good, happy, silly, beautiful, funny, etc..  I was having a great time... for awhile. Then I got pulled over one night coming home from an evening out. An evening that when I was invited out, I didnt want to go, but I went anyway.. I thought I was being good.. asked for weak drinks, thought I had stopped drinking early and on my way home I went.  I was pulled over for a safety check after hitting my breaks too hard at a stop light, and sitting there, was a motorcycle officer. He pulled me over as a safety check and gave me the test. I was taken to K-Mart (the mobile dui check point) and tested after marinating in the back of the police car for an hour. It was typical. I was one block from home too when this happened.  I was cited, lost my drivers license, and sent home in a taxi.  I was a crying mess. I couldnt beleive this was happening to ME!!  I stopped drinking for several months becuase I was a nervous wreck. I hated going out, and letting anyone else drive too..Oh.. and I stopped drinking 'my drink' because well, it clearly did me in.  That drink was a dirty dog (vodka, grapefruit juice and 2 olives in a salted glass).  Once I decided to drink again, I made a concious decision that I wouldnt drink vodka anymore and so it would be ONLY wine & beer.   Oh how I love wine... but, one glass would turn into 4 or 6 when out.. and if I was lucky.. I may remember the night before.. but on numerous occaisions I would have black outs.  Then I decided that it would be better if I just drank at home. So, I would buy wine, and sure enough.. Id drink the whole bottle when my intention was just to have a glass while I soaked in the tub.  I then started to think that I just needed to portion control, so I would buy the 1/2 bottles of wine.. or the single servings of wine. I also found myself checking the alcohol content. Sometimes I would buy what I really wanted.. but other times, when I felt the need to 'control my drinking' id buy something of a lower alchohol content.  I sometimes found myself getting in my car and heading to the store and getting more wine if my little single serving wasnt enough for that night.  If I had a date, then I would drink beer.. because I wouldnt get as tipsy as fast, and the beer didnt cause me the blackouts. But.. then I found myself drinking more beer.  December 27th, 2006 ( I reflect on this occurance as hindsight) I was enjoying my time off from the holidays. Laying around the house and enjoying my day off and reflecting on a great previous night (yes, it included wine..). I was sort of hung over.. I decided to make myself some soup:  It ended up on my leg.. I was rushed to the hospital and suffered 2nd degree burns. I wonder if I had the shakes, and that is what caused me to spill the soup??  January 2nd, 2007:  My brother goes to the hospital and is diagnosed with end-stage renal failure and will require dialysis for the rest of his life. In addition, he has diabetes, and severe hypertension.  After 2 weeks in the hospital, he is released and we are all so relieved he finally got to the doctors, and was on his way to a healthier life.  I started researching kidney donation. Seems I appeared to be the only one in my family that might qualify to be a donor.. but one of the requirements is that all organs be healthy... my first thought... "oh my gawd.. are my organs healthy or have I drank too much?? "  this thought just started rattling through my brain.. I never said this out loud or to anyone.. just thinking it..  Also.. I have been asking god and the universe for a loving, healthy, relationship to come into my life, but it wasnt happening.. why not??  On January 26th, 2007, I woke up, and my first thought was you are not healthy, how can you expect a healthy relationship? I said this while slightly hungover from the night before.  I knew then.. I had to change my life.. and it had to start right then, and there. I called into work, and went to my first AA meeting.   Im almost to my 30 days...  I feel good, and feel like my mental clarity is returning, and that I once again, have hope for a happy, healthy life.  Sobriety is good and I keep going back!  One thing I have come to learn is that is dosent matter how long we have been drinking, or how much even.. its what happens when we do, and the feelings associated with it.   I do not have children, nor a spouse or a boyfriend that has been affected by this, but.. what I do have is this: I always felt a certain amount of guilt and shame on the tails of my drinking. First thing, Id check the phone.. who did I call.. who did I text? then email.. did I send any emails? Then.. I could breath a sigh of releif, or.. wonder what the heck I said if it was a phone call...  I am grateful to be alive, and so it seems, I still have my health and I have so many good friends who are supportive of me.   Do not be afraid to take control of your life.. Its time.  Feel free to contact me if anyone wishes too.   Erica  RNY 11-9-00 Sobriety-1-26-07

Love you Erica  as you already know..  I'm happy that you (like me) are on the road to recovery.. what a trip huh.. LOL.. your story sounds oh so familiar to mine.  I think we are soul-sisters..  And isn't it a relief not to hide it.. or be ashamed of it.. and to have a place to go and talk about it.  Like you I just hope that my story or talking about it helps any others who has the desire to not drink.   Thank you for the long and caring post.. and your brother will continue to be in my prayers!! hugs and kisses, Rhonda RNY 05-05-04 Sobriety 11-17-06

Thanks Rhonda!!   Love you too!!  What a journey my life has been the last 6 years..  It does feel good, to finally feel good again! :)  Erica

Hi there, I related to the way you manipulated the drinks, small bottles of wine, just having beer, staying home to avoid driving drunk.  I did all that toward the end.  More importanly, I am so happy you have found the way up and out.  It took a really good therapist kicking my butt time and time again before I went to AA, and after having 8+ yeard of sobriety relapsing and getting kicked in the butt again, to go back to AA.   Since having my surgery, I have been sorely tempted to start drinking again.  What has helped me, more than anything, is reading posts like yours, knowing that I would be back to the races too fast to tell.   Now, like everyone else, I am learning to deal with my feelings in healthier ways, as I don't have the food anymore, and all my other compulsions are out the window as well.  The program offers me alternatives to drinking, or anything else.   Keep sharing here, and Keep working the program.   Hugs, Trish RNY: 8/28/06 Sobriety: 9/26/01

Thank you for sharing your story Erica.  Congrats to you on your sobriety and wish you all the best on your road to recovery..

Hi Erica! My name is Marie, and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for 21 years now. Stay strong! As for me, one is too many and a thousand would NEVER be enough. It's been a long time since I went through my spiral, but I know that now that I'm sober, I LIKE remembering what day it is, who I said what to and where I went the day before.  My daughter comments that what she remembers about my last few drunks was I was trying to figure out how to combine wine and cheerios.   In fact, we met iwth the wedding planner for my daughters upcoming wedding and I told her  I'm an alcoholic and as much as I love my daughter, I'm not trading in my sobriety even for a champagne toast. I'll take water instead.  You do what works for YOU and YOUR sobriety. I'm proud of you!! Keep up the GREAT work!!  Hugs, Marie

I have been to weddings where it was arranged for there to be diet ginger ale at my table, for me to have the toast.  I have also been at weddings where I raised the glass for the toast and then put it down and drank water.  I then gave my glass to someone else. My son is getting married in September, and there will be many conservative Christians in attendance who don't drink.  I am certain there will be an alternative toast for the nondrinkers. Hugs, Trish

Hi Erica...

How similar we are.. Thank you for sharing. You are a strong woman and you will excell!

:love:

Beckie