Husband an addict

My husband is an addict. I found out in July that he had been addicted to prescription drugs for at least two years. He went to rehab and finished his IOP at the end of September. Well, I thought everything was going great until I found out he began using again within one week after being discharged from inpatient. He has been stealing my medication and writing checks left and right. I kicked him out this past weekend when I found out and he now lives with his parents. We have been married for 10 ½ years and have two of the cutest boys ever - 9 years old and 1 year old. Since I have kicked him out, he went into a severe depression. I feel bad but in some ways I could care less. I don't have any more emotions left to deal with him and the addiction. I would cut all ties if it were not for our sons. I don't think there is any hope. Even if he gets clean, I can never trust him again. He has lied and lied and lied about him lying. My 9 year old is begging me to let him come home. He is wonderful with the boys. He coaches every sport my son is in. He helps with them and helps me cook and clean as well. He is very kind, gentle and laidback. My therapist says he is such a good dad and does so much with them because he is like a little boy himself that does not want to grow up leaving me to be the responsible one in the family. In the past year and a half he has totaled 3 trucks (two of them company trucks). He had a great job for twelve years. He was fired a year and a half ago and was fired again from another job in May. He then went into rehab, got out and then broke his collarbone riding a dirt bike. He still does not have a job. The doctor has not released him yet, but who will hire him after being fired twice? He is drawing unemployment. He says he feels so much shame and guilt. He says that he does not feel like a man at all. I am at a point in my life that things are going great. I have a great job with great pay and benefits, my boss appreciates me, I feel great about the way I look (15 months out and down to a size 9), have most of the bills paid off and was ready to build a house. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I love him and care for him but if I base my decision on his past actions, the outcome for our marriage is not good. Can anyone give me insight? Are any of you recovering addicts that could give me a clue about what is going on with him? Sherry

you need to go to alanon, they are there for the families of addicts. he is not ready to quit or he already would have done it. he knows the problem is there, but quitting is a totally different story. do not feel guilty for doing what you are doing. you and your boys should not have to deal with his selfish ways. addicts are very selfish people. he is trying to guilt you into letting him back into the home. don't fall for it. i know you love him and you have children with him but you need to take care of you and your boys. he needs to hit rock bottom before he changes and unfortunately everyone has a different rock bottom. he needs to want to quit for himself and not for the sake of a relationship. you are going to have a long ways to go with this and it sounds like you have put up with alot already. do not be an enabler. he is looking for you to say its okay and its not. keep your head up and stay strong and take care of YOU. good luck.

Sherry, As with the previous poster I would strongly advise you to find your own support group. Al-anon or Nar-anon. Your husband has to make up his own mind and only then will he get and stay clean. Addiction is a family disease and you and the children are affected. You need support and the suggestion of others who have and do walk in your shoes. I am an addict as well as the daughter of an alcoholic so I know both sides. It sounds scary to walk ino a meeting but trust me the people there will welcome you. Sincerely, Laurie

I concur that Al-Anon or Nar-Anon are two options for you. I am in recovery for alcoholism, and my son is a heroin addict, so I understand both sides of this coin. When my son first tried to get clean, he didn't do too well, and I kicked him out after nine months of listening to his lies. He is clean now, but he has taken up drinking instead. It is legal and he is over 21 now. Less hassle. Your concerns are definitely valid and you deserve to be able to have a relationship where there is trust. My other suggestion was going to be marital therapy for the two of you together. Hugs, Trish

My ex husband was addicted to crack and I left him when I was 5 mos. pregnant with my first and only child. He went to rehab a few times but always relapsed. I was so stressed out that I went into premature labor and almost lost my son. I decided that I didn't want to live that way any more and left him. You need to do whats best for you and your children. Al-anon and counceling can help but who the heck wants to live that way? I know this is not a biblical reason for divorcing but I couldn't handle it. Take care and may God guide you in your decision.

WOW, I feel like I jsut read my whole life story! I am actually not married but have been with the same man for 18 years. He is an alcoholic and has always told me he is done and he feels terrible and he is going to quit. I too have 2 boys, mine are 2 and 5 and love him to death. As you stated he is a great guy when not drinking, loves his boys and does everything with them UNTIL drink comes into play. He would take a drink over them in a heartbeat. I am finding it so hard to kick him out because of my boys, feeling that they will be hurt but in the long run they will be more hurt if he stays. I know this but just need to actually act upon it. The other thing is that I know he will nto just go, he will need to be removed as he has told me he isn't going anywhere. Again like you, my life is ina great place right now, good job, great benefits, 2 beautiful children, bills all paid, down 67 lbs in 3 months. He is the only thing that causes me stress. I need Alanon myself! Michelle

Michelle, I can only encourage you to do it. You deserve a full life. you will benefit from the support of others who understand your conflicts and issues. Co- dependancy is a form of addiction itself and your enabling him is not helping the family. Remember that your kids are also affected by all of this and forming their views of normal. Hugs, Laurie