Help! Hubby not taking care of himself after WLS!

OK, y'all, I'm an "outsider". I have not had WLS...but my husband had it on 11/22/05. Now, before the surgery he did drink; when we met it was just occasionally but in the last, oh, about 4 years he was having panic attacks and I noticed that he was drinking more (quantity and # of occasions). He decided to have the surgery and I was against his having it because in my heart of hearts I knew that his mindset was not right about the whole situation! Of course, he went ahead and had it anyway and I feel like I was kind of labeled "Crazy Wife Who Impedes Husband's Progress and One to Ignore" by him and the dr's office. He had all of these great promises about taking care of himself, getting a new start on things, etc. He's my husband, so as frightened as I was I believed him. Well, he started back to drinking about the 3rd week out from surgery.... As you can imagine I totally flipped out. Big fight. Several weeks later he came home w/a bunch of candy, Little Debbies, etc. Gets sick. Big fights over what he is eating and the fact that I was not going to buy him the things that we both knew he shouldn't be eating. Soooo, it's almost a year post-surgery and he still doesn't follow the rules. I'm not going to try and diagnose him because I'm not a dr., but at the least it is a potential time bomb just ticking away. Example of an average day (so you won't think I'm exaggerating or anything!): Other day we went out to eat. He orders 2 beers that come in a bottle that probably is the equivalent of 2 cans of beer each. 4 drinks. We go home and a little later he makes a couple of drinks in a cup with at least 2 shots of vodka each. Now we're up to at least 8 drinks. Then he drinks a beer that he had gone over to his parents' house to get, that's 9 drinks from lunch to early evening! By the way, he started 'stashing' the alcohol after our first big fight. I used to find it behind things in our cabinets, but lately he keeps it out in his workshop. I talked to his dr's office and while they were helpful I never seemed to get straight answers about how much counseling (if any) patients typically have pre-surg. Apparently they don't have on-staff psych because they sounded kind of unsure when I asked, "So what should I do? Anyone you recommend?" Response: "Well, I think this one guy has dealt with a couple of WLS patients.", and then I was referred to some online sites, this being one of them. Oh, and there was a support group starting up but they were kind of unsure about that, too. You can determine what you will from all of that.... So, here I am. I'm frustrated on a couple of different levels because I feel like the dr.'s office should take some responsibility and at least have someone they refer people to in this type of situation. From everything I can gather, it doesn't seem that they do much psych eval pre-op or any counseling post-op, and I'm thinking this is really weird. I mean, I need to drop about 40 lbs. and I have issues, so I can imagine my hubby's issues when he's 200 overweight! The other frustrating thing is, I know that most of this problem can only be solved BY HIM. I'll go to the ends of the earth and back with him, but HE is the one who's going to have to start walking, so to speak. I try to bring it up with him but I can barely get the words out before he starts trying to end the conversation or acting like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I quit saying things for a while, and lately when I try to bring the issue up I make sure that I come across very loving and concerned for his wellbeing (not acting po'ed and going off). Sorry about the length!! But I just really don't know what to do. I mean, I know WHAT to do, I just don't know how to go about it or anything like that, and my personal research seems to have me either running in circles or bumping into dead-ends. Does anyone have some good advice for a person who just wants her hubby to be happy, healthy, and around for the family??

Hi Amy, Did you post this on the AR forum? I didn't check - but was going to tell you that maybe someone on that forum knows of a psych doctor to work with. Try the main forum as well. I don't have any answers for you and I am truly sorry for what you're going through. I think it's great that you have come to this board because maybe there's someone out there with the answers. If your husband's doctor does not have a psych area or support groups for pre & post op, is there a doctor in your area that does? There is always an intervention also. Have you spoken to family and friends about this? Good luck - again I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I wish I could help more. Michelle

I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings. I would also suggest that you attend marital therapy together, where you can lovingly confront your husband about his behavior. If he won't go with you, go without him, so you can learn to lovingly detach from his behavior, and not get as enmeshed in his behavior as you appear to be. I understand that you love him and that you are concerned about him, but you cannot control his behavior and there is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to change his behavior on his own. Hugs, Trish

I too am sorry for your situation. I also want to encourage you to attend Al-anon. It is a support group for the family and significant others of alcoholics. You need a place to deal with this and others regardless of the wls are experiencing all of the same frustrations you have. They can help you deal. No simple answers I am afraid. Hugs, Laurie

I, too, vote for Al-anon. It will help you learn how to cope with your own frustrations and resentments. It will give you toold to deal with hubby in a sane, hopefully non-emotional way. It will not cure him, but it will protect your sanity. And you'll have a place where you can lay it all out on the table and get ideas from others on how they handled it. You can bee freed and not have to hide or pretend. Just try it once and see if you like it. And keep in mind, all meetinga have different dynamics. If you don't like one, you can try another until you find your safe place. Vicki

Your Hubby sounds or I hope sounded like me. My wife gave me the silent treatment for about 10 days and refused to talk to me until we dicussed my drinking and a few other nasty habits invloving the computer. That slient treatment really ****** me off. I just wish she would yell at me. I am going on 3 or 4 weeks not drinking. I was hiding the wild turkey bottles around the house. I was shocked and still am when I find them. Anyway I have not drank. I am not sure whats going to happen to me. I battle all kinds of demons myself with depression and take medicine. I want to get a mountain bike and get addicted to that. Thats after I broke my leg *(SOBER) this summer dirt biking. I guess my advice is don't coddle him and do give him the tough love approach. But do seek professional help to help you deal with him. If he is like me he will give up one addiction and find another one. I am hoping to trade for better ones. I still am not sure...but thats why I want a mountain bike and I keep visualizing these thoughts of tearing up the trails in the mountains. Just because I am skinny, I am still old at 44. Good luck and he is lucky you care, and not out seeking comfort in some other mans bed. I learned that the hard way from my 1st marriage. I would say a good percentage of us WLS people have addictions. Food and getting fat was a big one for me. Have a great weekend! Its my Friday Yeah!! Tony