Urges

I was unable to get to work today because of my grief. I am crying a lot now, and just feeling so terribly sad. Today, I visited my brother's grave, and then took a ride to a state park where I sat by a creek and cried. On the way home, I had the urge to get drunk. I have a phone number to call but I forgot about it. Tonight my brother's girlfriend came by and visited with my mom, sister and me. I learned he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychosis and anxiety. I have to get to bed. I am going to cry all night. Hugs, Trish

Many hugs to you, Trish.

My experience isn't nearly as deep but it took the same path. I'm 48 and have fallen in love 2x. The first was about 30 years ago. Number two just broke my heart. It hurts every bit as bad as 30 years ago. I am crying a lot, too. I had an even closer call. I was at the super with a pack of cider on the belt. The belt statrted to move and my head screamed NOOOO! I don't want to go there again! I wouldn't even step forward and touch it, like it was some kind of poisonous snake. I asked the cashier to take it away. Whe I got to the car, I gripped the steering wheel so hard and just shook. Scary as (no offense but friggin doesn't do it) ******g hell. I had no clue I was even in danger. I swear I blacked out in the sense that I don't really remember how I got from the frig to the belt with that cider. God damned disease!!! And I've been doing this for 12 years. What they say is true. It is much harder coming back the second time. I don't have quite a year yet. At 11 years I thought I was impervious. Well, not impervious, but on solid ground. Do you know how very incredibly grateful I am that I am sober today? I know you do. I'm still crying and in pain. But, like my sponsor says,if it will make things better, go for it. That puts it in perspective, huh? In your case, as when my Dad, you can know that he would have been proud of you for saying no. I would hate to think my death would lead someone else to go out. Keep that in your mind as you walk through this, OK? Big, strong, hugs, Vicki