Revalation

I just had the weirdest experience. A friend of mine all of a sudden became totally enraged with me, accused me of being on drugs and totally cut me off. I've been sick with wondering what I could have possibly done, probably a great contributor as to why I couldn't sleep. I was unable to resolve the problem because I was cut off. Well after 4 nights it dawned on me that maybe what I thought I said wasn't what he heard. So I reviewed my posts, although they seemed sane to me, I could see how they could be interpreted another way. So, I finally broke down and called this morning, despite being warned not to reply, which took real guts, and you know what the problem was? He had just installed some anti-spam software about a month ago which searched for key words and held any emails which had those key words from going through. For instance if I used the word free, this email would not have gone through, because free was a key word it used to identify spam. So, you all know how verbous I am. Some of my emails were getting through, others were not, and he was getting the idea that I was pretty unhinged, which I am but that's besides the point. Now he has to go back to the software and modify it so it will let my emails through. You would have thought he would have known better, but the written word carries a lot of power and he was getting drained trying to make sense of what I was saying. So I got to thinking, why did I blow up at another person I knew like that, saying she was full of it? (and this is no excuse) Well, I went back and read some posts and realized I was doing the very same thing and that I have to modify my own filters. Should, wrong, etc. are all triggers for me. Then I got to thinking more (you know I haven't slept in my days so my brain took me on a little trip!) About a year ago, my very dear friend all of a sudden got mad at me and accused me of flirting with her son. I totally didn't know where she was coming from and was extremely hurt. I acted the same as always. But you see, I was always fat before so she could give me a wider latitude, whereas now because I am normal and therefore sexualized, she had unbeknownst to me, changed her own filters about what was appropriate behavior and what wasn't. And I hadn't modified my own either. I meean when you are fat you can be everybody's friend and nobody thinks twice about it. But when you are thinner and people start to see you as a possibilty and therefore sexualize you, the same behavior makes you a flirt, or worse, a **** Boy, oh boy. The journey doesn't end when you reach goal. That's when the real fun begins! Vicki