Feeling bad for not feeling bad...???

Well this past weekend I had decided to indulge and have a couple of beers at my bachlorette party. Do I want to run out and drink more...NO Do I want to maintain a sober life.. YES.. WHY dont I feel bad about it? I should have brought it up at my Friday meeting and I didnt.. I dont want to fall into old patterns and currently I can confidently say that I wont, but DANG...!! I am so frustrated.. Thanks for listening to my babble and please forgive me for giving into temptation.. Dana

Hi Dana Are you an alcoholic? Tink

Dear Dana: Your question is pretty honest and I want you to know a little about me before I offer you my input. I have been 22 years sober and this February will be 23 years. I have seen people relapse on the basis of rationalization. I was a binge alcoholic so part of my denial mechanism was that I could stop foer month's but than I would fool myself in that I deserved to have a drink. The thinking proceeds the drinking. I would recommend that you communicate this to your sponsor and your group. Rememer for the addict the drink or the drug is the frosting on the cake. Our thinking has already changed prior to acting out. By the way my forgiveness is not necessary but my question is, "Do you forgive yourself and love yourself enough to do what is right for you?" Please do not receive my response with any judgement but only compassion. Your friend on the Journey, Al Soto [email protected]

Hi Dana, It is our thinking and rationalizing that get us into the most trouble. I was a binge drinker too, and could go for months between drinks without batting an eye. But my mind was always thinking alcoholically. I also had periods where after I had been in AA for 8 years, I drank without guilt. That is our disease telling us we are normal people who can drink socially. WRONG. We, at least I, am an alcoholic and cannot drink without the danger of losing my cotton picking mind. Step two says "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Is it sane for someone who has a history of alcoholic drinking to drink after they have found a solution to their drinking problem? It wasn't for me. It was the most insane thing I could do. Please don't think I am being harsh, because I truly empathize. I have been there and done that many times. Look at the first three steps of AA and really journal, if you can, about them. Hugs, Trish

Hey Dana! I'm going to challenge you on one point. If you do not feel bad, why did you feel the need to confess, both at your Friday meeting and here? I only feel the need for confession when I feel I am wrong. However - I'm pretty sure we're not TRYING to make you feel something you don't And you know dang well that I'm not in a position to judge or be somebody from whom you require forgiveness. I'd listen to you babble anyday! You have been so great and supportive to me! All I can do is share my own personal ES&H... When I've relapsed in the past, I began by drinking "normally". I would have one or two socially and think, "hey wow I'm ok - maybe I'm not an alcoholic afterall - lookie there! I can drink just fine". In a matter of time, however, it was no longer just one or two and I'd find myself out of control yet again. There's no real time table, but it always happened. Sooner or later I would have drank 1-4 before the party, just 2 at the party (so nobody would know what was up) then pick up a six pack (or 12) on the way home and finish them when I got home. That is ME - only you know yourself and your patterns. Some people truly CAN control their drinking. I've truly surrendered - I know I cannot. I also know that I might at some point choose to have that "first drink". I have a disease that tells me I'm not sick. Love you much! Michelle

M ~ Oddly after I posted this, I felt horrible.. Who in the heck am I to justify or make excuses. I know that I dont want to be a drinker and why I wasnt stronger, I dont know. I had decided to give in, before we even got out. I suppose it was like I was giving myself permission. Thank YOU so much for your words. I truly appreciate them.

Well, reservations will bite us in the butt. Glad you are addressing it and hope you do talk to your sponsor and move forward again. Love ya- Laurie

You know, it's a double edged sword. If you don't get away with it, you're in big trouble. If you do get away with it and you are alcoholic, you will increase your drinking until you no longer get away with it. Lose lose situation. I know. I've been there. Vicki