But for the grace of God..

I'm posting this on faith that things will improve and I can come back and read this post and remember the way I feel today. I was denied security clearance for the job offer with the FAA. I've wasted 3 weeks waiting on it because I didn't want to interview and deal with offers elsewhere since I'd already accepted this offer. It wouldn't have been fair to prospective employers. So - I'm down to about 400 bucks in checking, have several past due bills already and no income. I DID THIS TO MYSELF! If not for the DUI, I'd probably have that job. I hate me right now - totally LOATHE me and wish I could crawl under a rock. I wish I could numb the way I feel right now, but I know that is not an option. THERE IS NOTHING I"M EXPERIENCING THAT DRINKING WOULD MAKE BETTER! I know this. With every bone in my body I know this. I know if I drink - I die. But the sick part of my brain says, "who gives a crap? die then" I'm about to pick up that thousand pound telephone and call somebody from my group.. hell anybody - at this point i could close my eyes and just pick a name. THEN, I'm going to get dressed, fix my hair, put on some makeup and take my butt to go apply for medicaid for the kids, foodstamps, and unemployment. When I return, I will send out 20 resumes. I'm making the promise here to you all and to myself (in writing) that I will not drink TODAY. Now I don't mind saying that tomorrow I might decide what's the point, but I have to trust that doing something proactive will make me feel better. Yeah this post is to gather some sympathy, but it's also a profound way to make myself accountable, and to remind me later when things turn around, because I really don't have any choice but to believe they will turn around. Taking a deep breath, Michelle

I don't post much, but I had too on this one. I BELEIVE IN YOU!!! I know it's hard but girl look at all that you have accomplished with this weight thing. Yeah this security clearance crap is some bull-sh!# but maybe you can find some agencies that don't require a clearance. Anyway, whatever you, don't drink. You have children who watch everything you do and will soon follow in your footsteps. My daughter drew a picture of me holding a beer in each hand!!! I was to through with myself!!! I have since chilled out with the drinking because if I don't she will be just like me. Try drinking an ICE COLD glass of water really fast. For some reason I always get a buzz from this and I can hold off a little while longer from drinking. You are loved and believed in, please don't drink!!! Lana

aaww Michelle~ I am so sorry to hear about this... I send you loving, reassuring hugs that it will get better, please have faith.. Your Friend, Dana

Michelle, Living with the consequences of past behavior surely sucks. I am dealing with similar self-loathing right now about my past behaviors and how I have to live with it now. You are right, drinking over it isn't going to feed the kids or pay the bills. You are doing all the right things. Phone, going and getting help, and sending out resumes. That will pay off, trust me. Keep up the good work. Hugs, Trish

Michelle I want you to know I believe in you too. Your words are inspiring on here and I know you can do it. a drink will do nothing for you right now. Not one single thing. You need a good warm bath, a good night's sleep (even if you have to take some tylenol PM to fall asleep) and even a dish of sugar free ice cream or something. rest rest rest and breathe. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Turn it around. "I am un-written" so far-tomorrow's pages are not written on until tomorrow. Yesterday's words and actions-are just that-YESTERDAY"s they belong to yesterday. Not today and definitely not tomorrow! Keep your chin up. Give your kids a hug and kiss tonight because you LOVE them and you are doing it for them too, and do something for yourself too... by resting and taking care of yourself. HUGS Judi