Need some advice (LONG, SORRY!)

Good Afternoon Everyone, I really need some help here. I have been with my significant other for 18 years as of this past July. We have 2 children, 4 years old and 21 months old. He loves his boys and his boys love him. We had rented an apartment from my mother before we had children and because of his drinking she told him he had to leave (he was verbally and physically abusive). Once he was out I found out that I was pregnant. He told me that he would stop drinking and we could have a family, I miscarried 9 weeks later but we stayed together. Well the drinking started up again (Of course he used the loss of the baby as his excuse) Ilasted there a year and then finally left him. We were over for a year And I started going online and met this guy that was great but at the time was seeing someone so we decided that we would just be friends and that is all we ever were BUT I never told my significat other about him, because he was a bully and jealous and all that. Getting on with this, in my heart I still loved my SO and wanted children so desperately and stupidly thought that I was old and would not be able to have any if I didn't have them soon. We ended up doing the IVF thing and got back together and have 2 boys. In all of this time the FRIEND of mine and his GF had a son and then they split up (She was on drugs). So here he is single and I am still in the relationship with my SO. OK my SO is still drinking and has not stopped. I have been to rehab with him 3 times and still he continues. Even though I know that noone can make him stop but him I have tried telling him that he is going to hurt his boys, that he is killing me with this, but nothing matters. He feels that because he does it away from us now it is ok. He leaves 1-2 nights a week and goes to our summer cottage to drink and then on weekends I take the kids to the cottage and he drinks at home. Last summer I basically had an affair with my friend and saw what life could be when a man really loves you. He wanted to do things with me, he loves my kids, I love his kids, (my kids do not know that there is anything romantic between us, they just know we are friends, they are a little young anyway. His kids know becauae they are older and tell me all the time they would love for me to be more in their lives.) Well I told him at the end of the summer that I couldn't keep lying because it was just not me and that I had to put my happiness aside for the happiness of my kids, they love their Daddy. My So says he loves me and I think he does but not before his drinking or good times. This past weekend I ran into my Friend and we had dinner and I realized I miss him so much. He told me that he wants me in his life and that he wants us to have a relationship. I get home and SO is being so nice and loving but I know that it is just until he has his next drink. I am soooooooo confused I cant even think straight. I do love him but (sorry to use that old cliche, I am not IN LOVE with him, I am IN LOVE with Steven. Do you think it is that the grass is greener on the other side? Do I stay unhappy to make my kids happy? Im just so confused, any help will be appreciated. Please no flaming, I know that I have done a lot of wrong with the affair but I also feel I have tried for so long to make things work and I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I sleep on the couch and he sleeps in the bed. We hardly talk unless it is about the kids. He is constantly making me feel like I dont do enough and I do EVERYTHING, Financially, Emothionally and Physically. Oh yeah, I am good when he is in the mood no matter if I am or not. Ok I will stop here. Thank you for any help or opinions you can give me! Michelle

Hi Michelle, Nobody can really tell you what to do in this situation, but I can say that going from one relationship right into another without spending some time working thru your own role is a recipie for disaster. My ex husband is similar to your SO. We did the rehab thing countless times, in and out of jail etc. I eventually divorced him. When I did I spent some time in therapy to try and figure out what put ME in that situation adn how I reacted to the dynamic and why. Here I am 10 years after hte divorce and I'll be honest - I'm still not at the place where I feel I could have a happy marriage with anybody yet. I'm not "fixed" yet - yeah I know we're works in progress I tend to agree with Dr. Laura that addiction, abuse and adultry are reasonable grounds for splitting up. But again, only you can make that decision for you. You deserve a good life. Your kids deserve a good life. BELIEVE me, without even meaning to, we repeat the patterns our parents did to us - I never thought I'd turn into my alcoholic father but I've been on that path. I ADORE my kids and would die for them, so go figure. You do run the risk of your kids being just like dad. If you choose to stay with your SO, you have to come to accept that he may never choose to stop drinking for good. That includes everything that may come with that possibility. If you two do seperate, I recommend some counseling for you both and some time to yoruself before getting involved with your online friend. If your kids end up with one parent, they'll need you to be as healthy as you can be. I wish you the best of luck - I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Hugs, Michelle C

Thank you so much Michelle. I know in my head everything that you are saying. Family members and friends, even his own family tell me that I have a right to be happy and that he is never going to change. Why do I feel so bad then. Why do I worry that I will hurt him or that he will make my life miserable if I do leave. I know it is all part of addiction. As for my friend, we have been friends for 7 years and I sometimes wonder if it is all the NORMALCY that I am attracted to. I know I need counseling its just where do I find the time. Thank you for your help! Michelle F

Hey Michelle, Have you tried Al-anon? Its just another resource for family members of alcoholics. He definitely has to stop for himself, he can't do it for you or the boys. Sometimes we alcoholics have to lose everything before we hit bottom. The longer this relationship goes, the more codependent we become and many spouses become part of the addiction (sorry, no offense). If I were in your exact situation, I would not stay with him (again this is my thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make your decision). I have to look at what is in the best interest for my children and myself. I would not want my children growing up in that environment and for them to think that that before is even remotely okay. It doesn't mean you can't be together in the future and it doesn't mean they can't have a good relationship with their father. But if you continue to enable him, he doesn't have to get sober, he can just keep doing it this way. He gets the best of both worlds. He is sick, just like me, we don't think clearly. We can be very selfish and blame everyone but ourselves. I do hope this helps in some sort of way. Even if you don't want to go to Al-anon, they have books on it and codependancy that might help you out. I'm wishing you the best of luck, Amber

In addition to Al-Anon, I suggest you seek individual therapy. Living with an abusive alcoholic can wreak havoc on one's emotional state and self-esteem. You really could use some help there. Good luck, Hugs, Trish

Hi Michelle, In Alanon we learn that the focus has got to be on us..not the Alcoholic. It's amazing the difference it's makes. We're asked what is our part in these feelings. It helps us understand why we attract these people into our lives. Alanon does have an online website. Give it a shot. Good Luck Joni

Hey Michelle, Wow you certainly have a lot on your plate! You really do deserve to be happy and treated much better. I have might have a little different perspective since I grew up with an alcoholic parent and am currently in my own recovery from that. My mom also used us kids as a reason to stay and none of us were happy. It was hard to see my dad treat my mom that way, or for him to not be around. As I got older he chose not to attend certain events becuase he could not drink there or ruined others because he was drinking. Now I'm at a point where I'm afraid to even have a wedding for fear he'll ruin that too. My point is that growing up with an alcoholic parent is not easy and even though I do love my dad, I wish my mom would have made the choice to leave him years ago. So as much as your boys love him right now, you are the one that make decisions for them right now. You have to do not only what is best for you, but what is best for them, too. I'm not sure if getting right into another relationship would be the best but I know how I would probably act if in your situation. Just be careful with those precious boys. Good luck, you'll be in my prayers.