Slips and Slides - need some support

Feeling needy. Overall - I'm doing well. here comes the but.... I've had a couple of slips. Of course these slips damage relationships. I turn into a real jackass. I guess I just am feeling really guilty for what I've put loved ones through. I am going to go to a meeting today. I've found one in bicycling distance and I'm going. If one of you would like to call me at 7:30 and make me accountable, I'd sure appreciate it. Truth be told, it's my first. I've never attended one before. I'm not sure why other than maybe that it indicates in my mind that I have a serious failing. Yes, I do have problems looking at alcoholism as a disease. Yes, I absolutely know I have NO control over alcohol. I CANNOT drink. But for some reason that step of going to the meetings and trying to work the actual steps - well it's very scary. It means a different level of admission and commitment. It's terrifying. As long as I keep getting BACK on the horse (or wagon haha), I'm still riding the horse... I keep repeating that. I keep trying to remember to love myself and forgive my flaws. I suppose I have to accept the damage I've done and just show via actions what I'm going to do to make things better. If I've done ireparable damage, I suppose I have to accept that too. It's really hard being in this house, stuck in my own head right now. It makes me want to escape me. THAT is the problem. There's no booze in the house, nor will there be.. not today. I HOPE not tomorrow.. and the next day.. Why is this such a doggone difficult thing? I wish I knew. It will be good to get insurance again so I can go back to my therapist. The shame associated with this all is almost too much to bear. I wish I could pack up and move somewhere where nobody knows me and start all over - just say to hell with it all - run away from all the damage I've done. Well I know that's not an option. Soooo good times bad times... it's certainly been much worse. I don't like feeling like I'm slowly losing control again. hate it hate it hate it. OK - I purged... I gave my honest thoughts. I do not want to drink. I do not want to drink. I do not want to drink. Now how in the hell do I clean up the mess? love, Michelle (I'm not as mauldlin as I sound - don't worry about me... but I am definitely having some issues right now)

Hey, Michelle. Getting Open & Honest is two of the major steps in recovery (and you've done that here!), the third being Willing. Once you have that, you'll be on your way to a better way of life. I don't want to preach or overwhelm you, but I do have a lot of experience that I can share with you sometime. Just remember, to take it one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just live for today. You are sober today. You are going to go to a meeting. That is wonderful. There is so much support there and once your fear is gone, you'll have this huge resource at your fingertips. If you helps you in any way, I'm 20 months sober and before that my life was a wreck and I was in bad shape. Once going to the program, I just started hanging out and making friends, eventually I got a sponsor and a homegroup and started doing step work. Since then I've gotten a wonderful job with superb benefits (hence the reason I got the surgery), I've got a roof over my head and I can pay my bills, a car, my son is now living with me again, my family relies on ME for help, I coach girls volleyball (people trust ME with their children) and I've found a spiritual connection with my higher power again that really seemed to be lost somewhere in the background. It can work, if you want it. I did it all one day at a time. One step at a time. At my pace. Keep it simple sweetie! Amber

Thanks Amber - I appreciate your response. Like my fake it until I make it post - I'm going to pretend I'm somebody I admire like YOU or TRISH or LAURIE and pretend I'm not afraid and go to that meeting anyhow. I'm sure the second meeting will be much easier. This sounds nuts, but one thing in my mind is that I live in the small town in which I grew up. I am terrified that I'll run into somebody I know. Now when I rationally think this through, I'm not sure what i'm afraid of exactly. I'm sure nobody there would make fun of me, think less of me or use the fact they saw me there to my disadvantage. But at the same time, I am ashamed and embarassed and not sure about sharing this weakness with people who know me as strong and capable and somebody who's always been successful with things. I suppose part of this being honest junk is being honest to the world. Am I ashamed? Yes. Does it change the truth? No. Ouch huh? The only way to get UNASHAMED is to figure out how to maintain sobriety. Courage means doing something even though you are afraid. Courage is a trait that I admire. So I'm going to do this thing.. Even if I'm shaking in my boots. Thanks again xxx Michelle

Glad to read your response and glad to see you're still going. Another part of sobriety is being humble and humility. It took me quite a bit to figure out those two things and it will be a challenge for you when it comes to see others from your town. When it all boils down to it...what is more important? Your sanity/serenity/sobriety? or if your entire town finds out you have a few character defects (and you're taking the proper steps to better yourself)? Thankfully, people are getting much better about people admitting their diseases and mental illnesses and grateful they are getting help. Usually, only the really sick ones make a fuss and guess what? They're sick. We can only pray they will see they are sick too and get help someday. That's what I'm doing, trying to give away a little bit of what I've been so freely given. You hang in there and I can't wait to hear how it went. I'm sending good thoughts your way, Amber

I don't have the addiction of drinking, I have other issues, like smoking, and food. I was lurking on this board and saw your post. I just have to say something to you, don't know if it'll help, but whenever I attend a meeting with a therapist and was fortunate to get a recovering alcolholic, I was very thrilled. You ask why, well it's because I was awed by their ability to overcome their addiction. I admired them to the highest degree. Alcolhol is one of the toughest addictions to overcome and anyone who can do that deserves my admiration. Please don't take this as drugs are not being in the same catergory, because they are. These are both addictions that are hell for anyone. I admire you ladies and your struggles to stay sober. I admire your decision to overcome your fears. Just know that there is nothing to be ashamed about in seeking the help and guidance to stop drinking. God Bless and grant you the serenity (peace beyond understanding). Roberta