Please help I don't know what to do

I feel like my husband is menthaly abusing me. Every time I try to go to gym he tells me why your fat ass doesn't stay home and take care of the kids. He said this surgery and gym and anything I do will not help me. But it is ok for him to go every night GOd knows where and come home abit drunk. He is selfemployed but I never see any money. He is a plumber and takes care of heaters and airconditioners, but he tells me contractors do not pay ontime. I was able to get his business account number and I check it online (my name is not on it.) Every time he pay our mortgage he get's paid from contractors exect amount of the bill ( I find it fishy). Every day he runs to the mailbox to get the mail. I am so sick and tired of him hiding that I really do not know what to do. When I try to talk to me he starts yelling at me and tells me it's all in my head and the next day I would call him to see how he is doing he tells me I love you, but when I come from work and getting ready to go to gym and he how to stay home with our 2 small children the verbal abuse starts allover. The other day my 3 1/2 year old daughter told me mammy the wall broke down, I though it was her play room toy holder wall when I went she took me to my bedroom and moved the chair and I find this big holl in the wall I was like my God what is it? I ask my husband I said what could you possible hit it with so hard that you went through the wall and sheedrock? I am just so tired of him but I am christian and I know that divorce (even though I think about it everyday) is not an option for me. I need an advice I am 30 years old and being married for 10 years, I ask my mom for advice because she is my best friend and she tells me to pray. But she never had this in her life my dad always treated her like a quine and we grew up in a very friendly envirement I do not want my kids to see the fighting. I mean my 3 1/2 year old cursing becasue she heard her dad calling me a ***** now she tells me ***** give me juice. My heart is breaking I teach her not to say those words and explain why but when my husband comes home I feel like killing myself if it wasn't for my girls I don't know. I had the surgery hopping that I will be able to be as skinny as I was before I had kids and hopping that me being fat was the reason for him to be the way he is, but now that I am loosing teh weight and dressing better and going to the gym and getting complements from people he is getting worse by a minute. Some times he makes up stories like he told me he went fishing with boys all day long he got home really late at night, when I ask him where is the fish? he said the cops stoped them and took the fish because the size of the fish was to small and it was illegal to catch the fish. I ask him do you really think that I am that stuped? But I still do not know where he went. I wanted to hire a privat investigator but who has money for that/ So, any one can help? Any advise?

First, get a phony name to use online if you aren't doing so already. Anyone can Google your name and read what you are posting here. Secornd, contact someone from your church and see if there are spousal support groups you can attend either in person or online. You are not stupid. But, you are in an untenuous situation. You can leave your husband and take your children with you, but you would probably have to break up all contact with your own relatives so he couldn't find you. And, separating from him legally will take time and money. You have to decide whether you can continue to live with him. You may want to consider couples' counseling but he sounds like he wouldn't think he's at fault.

WELL I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD THINK TO HIRE SOMEONE, WHEN YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT ANYWAY.   THAT WOULD BE A WASTE. WHEN YOU DID WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YOU,  BUT YOU WERE DOING IT FOR HIM.   WHY ARE YOU BENDING OVER BACKWARDS TO FIX HIM.    HE IS LEAVING YOU OUT OF FINANCE OF YOUR INCOME,  YET YOU STILL DO HIS LAUNDRY, AND TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN.   HE TALKS DOWN TO YOU IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.   SO THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE LEARNING.   "IN THEIR HEADS, THIS IS HOW YOU TALK TO MOMMY".  THAT WILL NEVER STOP.    WELL,  I'M A GOOD GOD FEARING WOMEN,  BUT THE GOD I PRAY TO WOULD NOT ONE ANYONE TO BE ABUSED, AND CERTAINLY NOT CHILDREN THAT DID NOT ASK TO BE THERE.   YOU PICKED HIM,  THEY DID NOT.  BUT THEY WILL HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE WHEN THEY ARE OLDER BECAUSE THEIR MOM DID NOT REMOVE THEM FROM THE HOUSE.   IF YOU WANT TO STAY,  THAN FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN.  YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER YOUR JOB IS TO PROTECT THEM, AND AS LONG AS THEY ARE LIVING WITH THAT THEY ARE NOT BEING PROTECTED.   AT LEAST IF YOU WERE SEPERATED,  IN THE SYSTEM, ON WELLFARE YOU WOULD HAVE A QUIET HOUSE, LOVING HOUSE,  AND A JUDGE WOULD GARNISH HIS WAGES AND MAKE SURE YOU GOT IT.   YOU CHILDREN WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU AND ALWAYS STAND BY YOU. MY DAUGHTER WAS JUST DIVORCED.  SHE WAS MARRIED ALMOST 5 YEARS. NO CHILDREN"THANK GOD"  SHE IS A 27YR NURSE, WITH A MASTERS DEGREE IN FORENSICS.   ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE REALIZED THAT WHEN THEY SHARED EVERYTHING THE MONEY THE CHECK BOOK.  HE WAS NOT SHARING . HE HAD CONTROLL OF IT AND SHE HAD TO ASK FOR MONEY ALL THE TIME.   THAN THEY GOT A DOG THAT WAS ABUSED AND WAS AFRAID OF LOUD NOISE.  SO HER HUSBAND CHASES THE DOG WITH AN ELECTRIC DRILL , BECAUSE THE ANIMAL WAS AFRAID OF IT.   THAT IS A BULLY........... WHEN MY DAUGHTER SAW THAT,  SHE WENT TO A COUNCEL..........THEY ARE NOW DIVORCED,  AND SHE IS LIVING IN HER OWN CONDO WITH THE DOG.  VERY HAPPY. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO.   IF YOU WILL NOT PROTECT YOURSELF,  PLEASE PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN THEY DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS. I WISH YOU WILL. BRIDGET  K.

Hello Olga, I am a victim of abuse by 2 men, both verbal and physical. I am divorced from both of them now. I am sorry you are having problems, take action now. My current husband is not an abuser and treats me with respect and consideration. The devestation and pain caused by abuse of any type is crippling to everyone, including the abuser. Not only are you loosing you self esteem. You are loosing the ability to handle life situations on your own and your children are suffering as well. I recommend calling the womens shelter in your area , a pastor or a family psychologist or psychiatrist. Talk truthfully with them and get help now. If you have insurance most insurances cover these issues. Sometimes if the abuse has not escalated to a physical level you may be able to get him into some type of therapy, anger management. Remember your husband will have to agree to therapy also for this to work. Don't wait any longer, even if he refuses go on your own. Abuse tends to escalate and once the physical end of this starts its gets worse and worse. As for the fishing story, it is illegal to catch fish under the required limit, game wardens will make you throw them out and ususally fine you, it might not be a story. If you want your marriage to work you need to try compramise at this point. Your husband may be afraid of loosing you, because of your new body. He sounds very insecure. If your husband doesn't want you to go to the gym, try buying a home weight bench or bicycle at a garage sale and comprimise staying at home and going to the gym a little less. Don't accuse, try calming talking things out. Weigh out the situation carefully, and remember to also put yourself in his shoes, think about his insecurities as well. If he lays one hand on you, move immediately.

Hi Olga. First of all, I heartily echo the advise to get a pseudonym to use online, if this is your real name. Also, get a web-based email address and use a password that will be very difficult for him to guess. Second, I am somewhat familiar with some of the helping organizations in your community. This is a Christian group in which I have quite a bit of confidence, so I will recommend it to you: http://www.chestnutag.org/turningpoint.htm . Please seek some counseling and assistance there to help you figure out what to do next, and for support as you move forward.

I am a Christian and needed to get out of my abusive relationship of seven years. God respects and defends women and divorce is one option that the Most High God condons if you are in the abuse. An abusive husband does not get better and it is my experience that I was the only one that thought he could get better. In my case I was in denial for years. I kept saying OH he will get better. Not TRUE. The abuse my children suffered was even worse and I am still dealing with the fallout from that part of my relationship. I am finally in a peaceful house with my family without the abuser. We are in therapy and still doing God's will for us. Do yourself and your family right and leave this person with his anger and lies. It is not easy but will be right and you will have peace with God and yourself.

I am also a christian and was trapped for 13 years with a physically and mentally abusive husband. I stayed with him up until last year partly because I was scared to leave but mostly because I knew God didn't condone divorces. Then I finally discovered where he was all those nights when he lied about working (funny my husband is self employed in construction too). God also took pity on my soul and had me and let me see his adulterous affair. I knew where all the money and time was going. But more importantly I knew God had finally set me free. I am so much happier just being with me and my kids. Yes he does harrass me some but I pray and God gives me peace. He reminds me that I deserve to be loved like God loved the church. I haven't found that person yet. It has only been a year and I am not ready for that. I am focusing on me and my kids right now. It is really amazing how much of my time and energy living with him took. God Bless and keep you through this trial and tribulation.

Oh honey, your husband is abusing you. He is killing you with his words. He is afraid that if you succeed he will look bad. My advice is do not give in to him, go to the gym, work out and turn into that beautiful, successful person you know is inside of you. You know that person is there, she is the one who got you to get this surgery, she is the one that is screeming to you, "he does not appreciate you." Oh I wish we could fast forward to the future and you could see yourself at your goal and you could see the significant and drastic positive changes that will occur. Do not give in to him, he is a bully. If you want you can get counseling with him and help him to see how much your weightloss will add to both yours and his enjoyment of life. If he does not change, girl then leave his ass! You are gonna be a hot mamasita anyway and you will have your pick of men. Please do not let him do this to you, stand up for yourself and say to him, "I will not let you give me a complex! I will not let you tear me down!" If you stay with him because of economics, start taking some classes and getting back into the social world, get a part-time or a degree, that way you don't put up with him because you are trapped! I am here for you if you need help. You have empowered yourself already, you took the first step! Let that beautiful, self confident and successful woman out so she can play! Diana

Dont ever say you are stuck and can not get a divorce because you are christian!  I had that pushed down my throat for years too and I stayed in a horrible marriage because of that.  I finally got my divorce and help thru womens shelters and they helped me realize nothing is worth staying in a abussive relationship and if anything....they are giving you a good biblical reason to get a divorce.

Olga,
You a good person don't ever let some jerk tell you different. I've been there too. My ex told me he loved me but wanted to **** someone else. He also told me the only reason he started dating me was because I was fat and he felt sorry for me and no one else would date me. OF course I didn't know any of this until after I married him. I was in denile for years with him.Then I finally got a wake up call. I've also been abused by family members. If your three year old is calling you a ***** now what wiil she say in a couple of years when she starts school? He won't stop his abuse
of you, because he knows he has power over you. For your childerns sake leave this man if you haven't already. They see and hear this every day and they are getting the picture it's ok to abuse "mommy". Honey find that inner strength and get some kind of help. God will help you through your prayers. It may take awhile but I assure you it will be worth it in the end. :angel;
I'll pray for you and your childern. I would like to keep in
touch with you too, so will you consider me a friend?
LorriV