Why can't I stop drinking?

I have been going to AA religiously for one year now. I keep relapsing. I can't stop. I have a good sponser, and am on step 4, pretty much done with it. I have 2 commitments. I have great support in my friends that I have in AA. But I'm a failure, and I'm failing them. I don't know what to do. My DH is very worried about my drinking. He puts up with it, but wants me to stop. What do I do??? Grace

Well Grace, I would say you have a reservation. You are not entirely ready. Maybe you need to write about it? Much as I hate it it sometimes helps me see things. when I first started in NA I thought I could control my drinking. I believed that with all my heart. I had to surrender totally. That is a tall order. If you are on the 4th step but have not entirely surrendered in your first 3 I would consider reworking the first three. You cannot stay sober unless you are willing to turn it over and give up your control. Something is misssing. Step work from the heart not just like homework. Application is the key. You can write all you want but if you do not apply it it is not much help.Plz feel free to contact me. My sponsee is rewriting her steps after getting to six because she was substituting relationships for drugs. Obviously she missed something in the first 3 steps. They are the foundation.The steps are in a specific order for a reason. They build on one another. Powerlessness is a hard thing to apply after a lifetime of trying to control. Hugs, Laurie

How often do drink? How much do you drink in one setting? What are you drinking?

Right now I'm back to everyday pterry much, drin****il I'm drunk. I drink Rum & diet Pepsi. Still go to AA meetings though! Stupid, huh?

First of all, you are not a failure. Take that out of your vocabulary. AA is not pass/fail. We don't graduate. When I was playing around with my program, in 1990, an old timer told me what to do if I was serious about getting sober. I am going to give you that same advice. Everyday, for the next three months: 1. DO NOT DRINK, no matter what. 2. Make a meeting. 3. Call three women, one should be your sponsor, the other two should be other women in the program. I was able to do all but the make a meeting everyday. I made meetings 6 days a week. Keep doing that for three months. Then, see how you are doing on December 1st. Hugs, Trish

Thank yo so much Trish. I appriciate that. I will try it. Hugs, Grace

I can't tell you how many "starts" I had... how many mornings I would swear (and really mean it) that I wouldn't drink that day - only to have to eat my words later when I rationalized why I was having a drink. All I can tell you is that only you can do this. It has to come from inside you and if you keep questioning it... the addiction... keep needling it and poking it and holding thoughts that you really don't need it and that it is bad for your health and the health of all your relationships then it gets weaker. Addiction to alcohol to me was a pure obsession in the end and one that I got so sick of that I was finally willing to give it up. I had to get to the point where I realized that I could no more drink than I could breath under water. I had to "get" that down to the depths of my belief system. Only then could I finally give up the battle with alcohol. I just simply learned that the only way to win the battle was to give up the fight. Acceptance - 100% - complete and total acceptance that I was irrevocably unable to physically and emotionally handle the effects that the drug alcohol had on my body. I knew I had to give it up. Keep noodling about your addiction and keep thinking about what life might be like if you allow alcohol to continue to dominate your life. For me, I couldn't bear the thought of losing the respect and love of my husband. I knew I was close to losing his respect and I knew he loved me but I also knew that there was only so long he would tolerate my self destruction and bear witness to it. I knew that if I didn't do something I would eventually destroy our relationship because of my drinking. You have so much to live for and so much to lose if you let alcohol continue to dominate your thoughts. Addiction is such a full time job... one that doesn't have any rewards for all your hard work. Let it go and give up the fight. Best to you, Trish

Thank you very much Trish I hope this all works out forme in the end. Bless you! Grace

I heard some buddhist saying (or was it Indian - I dunno) that goes something like this: It's not how you you fall off the horse; it's how you get back up that matters. As long as you keep getting up, you are still riding the horse - not failing. When the evil demons are in my head, it's very hard for me also. I've begun to engage in distraction therapy. I "do something else" until the urge passes - usually bike ride, or skate, or go someplace where I can NOT drink. Some weeks I'm so busy doing something else that nothing IMPORTANT gets done Phone up some of those friends in AA. Just do your best - break it down into minutes or hours if you must. Just don't ever give up. hugs, Michelle

Thank you for not bashing me. I appriciate your response. Thanks so very much, Grace