Scary

I just had a close call. Man oh man, this alcohol disease is a real b! No matter how much time I rack up and how determined I am, it can always rear its' ugly head and try to catch me off guard. I slept fitfully last night with lots of short, bad dreams; drinking dreams, being fat, money, etc. The usual. So I felt off balance when I got up. I checked in here and went to the gym. I felt bad because I missed my Chiropractor visit last week, so I had to go apologize and give her a cancellation fee. I worked out hard. It's such a nice day, midway through, I walked over to Target to see if they had any gym tops on sale since I managed somehow to ruin all of my new ones with bleach. When I was walking through the store, there were samples everywhere, and I partook. The stinking thinking is telling me, no problemo, they're tiny tastes. But I had 6 tiny tastes! Probably 500 calories. I felt bad again. Finished my workout and I was craving, out of the middle of nowhere a cold, frosty beer. Now "I" did not desire it at all, knowing full well the consequences that would follow. So I laid down on the couch in the dressing room and read for half an hour. I became aware of just how exhausted I was. No sooner did I get in the car than another wave hit me. It was so physical, it was wrenching. I had to pass up picking up my prescrition because I could't trust myself not to end up in the liquor dept. U turned and hauled to a nooner and as soon as it started, they said it was a smoking meeting and I, being allergic, had to walk out. I was resentful. You can't smoke in any public place but they have some loophole about it being privately owned and haven't had the hammer come down on them. So I'm feeling resentful against the smokers and AA as a whole for not accomodating the group as a whole (there are two other rooms and a large backyard they could have used) and AGAIN. I had drinking thoughts. So I hightailed it home and immediately made a big salad that I ate while my curry, (which I beefed up with celery, okra and tomatoes so I could eat more..knew in my state I wouldn't eat just a little) cooked. I made a big 1 qt. glass of Crystal Lite. The salad and curry and drink are history now, but that was scary. I have absolutely no compulsion to drink. It was the old hungy, angry, lonely, tired thing. The 1 qt drink satisfied me every bit and more than a beer, but that's not what the disease was telling me. It rarely happens to me, but all it takes is one time. I have SCUBA refresher course next week, am getting fit for my cruise, am taking Gordo to tennis all week. You gotta know the best case scenario is it wouldn't happen and the worst...God only knows the depths we will go to once the alcohol hits the bloodstream. Sober for 10 1/2 years before I relapsed. I was starting to think I was immune. Like Lori says, I must have not been a hundred percent invested in my sobriety. Phew, I going to book my excursions now and thank HP I am sober enough to suit up and show up. I think it's good for me to have scary thoughts once in awhile to remind me. So long as they remain thoughts, not actions. I have to remember to give myself credit for not acting, not lose self-esteem because I had drinking thoughts. It's not a moral issue. I am a pickle and no matter how long I stay sober, I will never be a cucumber again Vicki

Hi Vicki, You have had a difficult summer! You did great! We all have these days. I hold on to the fact that I do not have to pick up a white chip/fob for THINKING it only doing it. It is not always easy. Most of the time my cravings are not about drugs/alcohol but occassioanlly they are and it kinda freaks me out. Duh, I am an addict it is normal for me to want to use a mind altering substance!!! I just cannot DO it. Very proud of you and appreciate you sharing so we know we are not bad or failures just human and we can get thru it. Love ya, Laurie

That's the thing Laurie. I have had a great summer. This is living life on life's terms. I'll never forget a guy who chaired and said he started drinking at 14. Then he woke up and got sober at 56 and was horrified than he still had the skills and thinking of a 14 year old stuck in an old body. I just have the habit from years in AA to know that I don't need to be embarrased about what I share because, strangly enough, you people understand what I'm thinking w/o labeling me insane. Hard enough fighting the disease, but to think I'm somehow morally deficient, sloppy, lack disciple, makes me feel even more like crap. Boards like this and AA are my sane and safe place. Funny thing is, once we get sober, we can clearly see how sick others are. They don't have the gift of being forced into a program of self exploration. I used to wonder what people meant when they said they were a grateful alcoholics. I would rather be an alcoholic with a larger understanding of life, than a normie who is selfish, has no sprirituality or direction, or unable to listen to others w/o judgement. I have 2 sis'. One is a lawyer, the other a top IBM exec. I could do that if I wanted, (and I have! Overseas 12 years with my own company and made more than enough all by myself) but I've found I don't want to be consumed and used up by a job. I am a lot healthier than they are. When I relapsed my sis saw it. Scorn, judgement, totally pissed off. Too bad, you don't think I've seen her drunk? But I, myself, have labeled me as an alcoholic, so they do the whole stereotyping thing. And yet, she is miserable, twiced divorced, bitter, becoming increasingly difficult to be with. I would NEVER trade places with her! I am a better person for having people around me to support me, giving me the strength to give to others, family included. Anyway, you know I could go on forever, but you get the point. Were I not alcoholic, I'm sure there would be something else to take its' place (like divorce with one, eating with the other) I can't pick my poison, but at least I have a way to find help to deal. with it. Vicki

I do know exactly what you are saying which is the gem of recovery. I knew I was not right by the time I was 17 yr old. I struggled alone for decades. never comfortable. Always not good enough. More, better, different was my pattern. My recovery has given me the tools to deal with my thinking. My husband says that everyone has **** but we are DOING something about it. I think that is cool. I am grateful to be an addict since I now am doing something about it to better cope and live my life REALLY to the fullest. Terry is in awe sometimes when he listens to someone speak about recovery. He even feels some envy for the support. He has assured me that he will not hesitate to go to a co dependancy meeting group should he ever feel the need. i beleive him. I have my struggles just like we all do but I have a guide now to walk thru it. Just yesterday I was feeling quite insightful after a day of emotional confusion. 12 step call, areas I failed to set boundries rearing themselves, co-depenancy issues. I was able to vent, share, and look at motives and pro's and con's and came thru it just fine. Honestly any of those things could have reduced me to mush without my program. Laurie