Ramblings of a self-admitted flake
This post will NOT be in 5 paragraph essay style - sorry. I have some random thoughts - I just want to put "out" into the world.. bear with me - I haven't had my meds yet 
The "back to school" routine for the kids is VERY good at me. I have found that once I became ABLE to sleep, I wanted to do it from 8 pm until 9 am every night. Once upon a time, I got up at 4-5 am and knocked out a helluva lot of work before most people even got up. I'm liking the positive momentum that I've been building up in the mornings - it's encouraging and makes me WANT to be even more productive.
Dr Phil says that for every bad habit we break, we need to have a good habit to replace it with. Ah-ha! So THAT explains the sleeping - hey it's better than drinking and phoning up everybody at night, right? WRONG! (Dana's post the other day got me thinking - I need a night time habit. Tonight, I will begin "after supper walking" with my kids - we used to do it and they love spending that time with me - the younger two at least).
I'm finding it amazing that I'm REALLY struggling this week. I went through over two months completely sober - quit EVERYTHING cold turkey (tobacco, mj, alcohol), and I did fine with it until 7/31's faux pas. The first 10 days was hard, but afterwards, I honestly didn't have cravings or issues with it. Now I think that little devil on my shoulder is saying I should relish in what I truly am. BAH! No thank you! I really *do* need to find a sponser - even if I'm not of the 12 step mindset - having somebdoy to call up when I get that awful compulsion to destroy everything I've worked for would be a plus.
God (or insert your HP here) has allowed some mind blowing difficult things to happen in my life, and out of each and every one, a powerful lesson was learned. I'm so doggone stubborn and full of ego/pride/type A bs that it generally does take being "hit over the head" before I make significant changes. TBH - while I think the whole mess of 7/31 is what is making me WANT to drink, it's also what is making me FIERCELY not willing to do it. So... what to do instead? (this is where everybody yells out "MEETINGS", right?.. well perhaps... )
After WLS - it took me about 3 months before I truly MOURNED food. Everything was so new, and I was so focused, then it got OLD. But like any stage of grief experience, by 6 months, I'd moved on to ACCEPTANCE. I'm TRYING to do that with my "disease" (I'm still not entirely comfy copping out to having an illness as opposed to a character flaw - we can work on that some more in therapy) now. I don't crave alcohol; I crave not giving a **** Does that make sense? I get sooooo tired of caring soooooo much about things. I also get worried when my lack of a healthy outlet turns me into a cranky pain in the butt who is difficult to tolerate. Worry begets more worry - I'm so textbook OCD/GAD
Today I feel like one who has meditated for days and is on the verge of true enlightenment. I'm not sure why - but it's not an uncomfortable feeling. It's just a quiet accepting of what *IS*.
Yeah I'm all zen on y'all today - not sure what's gotten into me.
Thanks for letting me ramble on - Putting these thoughts "out into the universe" seems to help me focus.
love y'all
m
The "back to school" routine for the kids is VERY good at me. I have found that once I became ABLE to sleep, I wanted to do it from 8 pm until 9 am every night. Once upon a time, I got up at 4-5 am and knocked out a helluva lot of work before most people even got up. I'm liking the positive momentum that I've been building up in the mornings - it's encouraging and makes me WANT to be even more productive.
Dr Phil says that for every bad habit we break, we need to have a good habit to replace it with. Ah-ha! So THAT explains the sleeping - hey it's better than drinking and phoning up everybody at night, right? WRONG! (Dana's post the other day got me thinking - I need a night time habit. Tonight, I will begin "after supper walking" with my kids - we used to do it and they love spending that time with me - the younger two at least).
I'm finding it amazing that I'm REALLY struggling this week. I went through over two months completely sober - quit EVERYTHING cold turkey (tobacco, mj, alcohol), and I did fine with it until 7/31's faux pas. The first 10 days was hard, but afterwards, I honestly didn't have cravings or issues with it. Now I think that little devil on my shoulder is saying I should relish in what I truly am. BAH! No thank you! I really *do* need to find a sponser - even if I'm not of the 12 step mindset - having somebdoy to call up when I get that awful compulsion to destroy everything I've worked for would be a plus.
God (or insert your HP here) has allowed some mind blowing difficult things to happen in my life, and out of each and every one, a powerful lesson was learned. I'm so doggone stubborn and full of ego/pride/type A bs that it generally does take being "hit over the head" before I make significant changes. TBH - while I think the whole mess of 7/31 is what is making me WANT to drink, it's also what is making me FIERCELY not willing to do it. So... what to do instead? (this is where everybody yells out "MEETINGS", right?.. well perhaps... )
After WLS - it took me about 3 months before I truly MOURNED food. Everything was so new, and I was so focused, then it got OLD. But like any stage of grief experience, by 6 months, I'd moved on to ACCEPTANCE. I'm TRYING to do that with my "disease" (I'm still not entirely comfy copping out to having an illness as opposed to a character flaw - we can work on that some more in therapy) now. I don't crave alcohol; I crave not giving a **** Does that make sense? I get sooooo tired of caring soooooo much about things. I also get worried when my lack of a healthy outlet turns me into a cranky pain in the butt who is difficult to tolerate. Worry begets more worry - I'm so textbook OCD/GAD
Today I feel like one who has meditated for days and is on the verge of true enlightenment. I'm not sure why - but it's not an uncomfortable feeling. It's just a quiet accepting of what *IS*.
Yeah I'm all zen on y'all today - not sure what's gotten into me.
Thanks for letting me ramble on - Putting these thoughts "out into the universe" seems to help me focus.
love y'all
m 
Wow Michelle,
I have said the same things for years. what I found in the 12 steps is a structure to keep walking thru it. I semi- successfully survived my addiction. What I mean is I thought I could control things without a group but it always resurfaced in some way. NA gives me structure. It is MY program but I follow the guidelines and they worked. I did not flake out for once. My acceptance of needing others to deal with it came slowly. I did not walk into meetings feeling like the 12 step cheerleader. I just kept an open mind. Gradually I felt better, I wanted more. So I started following more of the suggestions. It works if you apply it. I became willing to do WHATEVER it took to stop feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am not perfect but I am better, my family is better ans I am not willing to give my sanity away.
Ramble anytime.....LOL.
Love ya,
laurie
Hey-Not it's not rambling...just getting it out! Gotta do that...I keep everything inside and that's so not healthy. I see myself in your posts and so for me its therapuetic, I hope it is for you, too!
Although, I am in a bit of a different "place" than most because my drinking is hidden from everyone who knows me. I am engaged to be married. He doesn't know. My family lives far away. They do not know. (It should be noted that I didn't drink except on special occasions or do drugs before WLS (22 mos ago- first drink after WLS was a glass of wine (then 3) on my first date with my fiance' at 4 mos out) so that's where I feel so different and isolated. My daughters, on the other hand, KNOW. They are here to witness it. They are 15 and 11 and notice that this is somewhat new. I don't go out, but I sit here and watch TV or do whatever project I decide to do. That's the tough part for me. Not many support groups for me. I think any 12 step program would be beneficial. But do I do OA, or AA? Or just wait it out--we are combining families (we bought a house) and will be moving in on 8/31 and getting married soon after that--and trust that all will be well? Intellectually I know the answer. But it could work if I try hard enough, I really think. I just didn't realize how much I turned to food in stress. Now I can't eat but I can tolerate beer. Bring on the buffet, I say. I would really, honestly, be the way I was. Can't speak for those around me, I get compliments and kudos but I am "in the closet". Whodathunk? Hang in there Michelle, fill us in!
Love and luck-Lori
Lori,
Have you heard the phrase we are as sick as our secrets? I lived in denial and secretive of the pain I experienced for many years. It is not as difficult as it seems to admit a problem if you are also expressing and showing willingness to address it. My family was taken by surprise when I told them I was going to NA. They said well try it if you think you need it. In two weeks they said keep going! We do not understand it but you are so much happier and easy to live with! As time went on I was able to share my feelings and how having a support group helped. The whole family is now happier and healthier. You ate like me. I have a wonderful family, a great deal of success, but never felt okay I used other things to fill the hole. I never got in trouble, I was a success in society but still something was off. I found the piece of the puzzle. for me it was NA. I wish you the best and encourage you to give it a shot. You do not want your family to suffer too, they sound great! I wish peace of mind for you. That is my greatest gift in recovery.
Hugs,
Laurie
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