When I screw up... I REALLY screw up.

In case you guys have missed me, I'm going to give you an update. Bear with me because it's taken me over a week to get to where I can even type this without deleting it or breaking into hysterical fits of shame. For some reason, I feel I need to get it OUT there. July 30 - it would have been a bit over 2 months sober. My friend had a birthday celebration - I drank. Too much. I then got it in my head that I would drive 90 mins away to go see my sweetie (at about 1 am). Well the first act of stupidity was drinking, the second was driving, but oh wait, it gets worse. I ended up going the wrong way to sweetie's house and didn't even realize it until I had been driving almost 2 hours (had the radio on - singing - yes enjoying the ride - god i'm an idiot). So I figure out that I'm waaaaaay off track, exit, turn around to go back the RIGHT way, and I come up on a multi-vehicle accident. It was taking up 3 of the 4 lanes, so I slowed to a near stop like everybody else and waited to go around. All of a sudden, another vehicle who apparently didn't NOTICE the accident decided to swerve suddenly to miss it and guess what? He hit MY CAR! He wasn't goign slowly either. He knocked my vehicle into the already existing accident. I wasn't hurt too badly, but I did bonk my head on impact and acquire a few nasty bruises, and the seatbelt made a nasty mark on my chest (after the fact, I went to the doctor because I'm having some back and neck pain also). My car however - is most definitely totalled. So the police arrived on the scene. I was definitely disoriented - I'd just hit my head, was in somewhat of a state of shock. It would HAVE to have been shock, because I was EERILY calm about it all - I remember talking to myself out loud the whole time. Anyhow, to make a long story short - due to my disorientation, and not knowing exactly where I was, I was asked to take a breath test. I flunked it miserably. So I got a one way ticket to the Bibb county jail that night charged with DUI. Mr Sweetie Pants came and sprung me a few hours later, and now I have this horrible thing to deal with. I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me. I go 2 months without drinking and then do something collosally stupid. Shoot - I didn't even CRAVE the drink - I just wanted to party with my friends. stupid stupid stupid stupid. I can say thank GOD that I didn't cause the accident or I'd REALLY be in some deep doo-doo. The ONLY citation I got was DUI. BUT as it is, I'm just absolutely beside myself. I can't afford 5-10 thousand bucks for an attorney (I've spoken to a couple who think they could negotiate my case down to reckless driving or get me the MINIMUM sentence). I don't really have any loopholes - I was over twice the legal limit on the breath test. I have a feeling it's going to be a big ole mess getting somebody's insurance to take care of my car. They don't even have the POLICE REPORT ready yet it was such a big mess. 6 cars were involved by the time it was said and done. I'm just a stupid stupid ***** - plain and simple. So - no, I'm not "doing great", "beating it", or any of those other cliches. I'm nobody to model oneself after. I'm a horrible role model and person. Sometimes I just wish I'd have died in that accident. I know that sounds harsh, but i mean it. I know this isn't the end of the world, and well - at least the HORROR and consequence of it all should probably cement in my head that I should NEVER EVER EVER EVER drink again PERIOD. I just pray that I can get thru this and that the judge won't put me in jail (I think the minimum I can hope for is 24 hours in jail). Soooo that is my update. I hate me right now. big time. Completely Ashamed m

Honey, I emailed you. Please don't hate yourself that doesn't help. You screwed up and as you said, it could've been so much worse. I'm sending you hugs, Love, Susan

The great thing about fessing up to support groups? I've done that. And worse. I was 10 years 13 days sober. I went to a morning meeting, then to my sis' to catsit. My two kids were with me. Kids go to bed. I open a cupboard and there was about 2 inches of vodka in a 1.75 liter bottle in the cabinet. Now sis is a lawyer, has a fabulous place in Pasadena, I was alone in the lap of luxury and all of a sudden I thought it might be nice to have a drink. S I put on a cd, Legally Blonde, and made a drink...the whole bottle, three drinks actually. The next morning I thought it wouldn't be cool to empty out her cabinet, so I went to the store and bought another bottle. Of course, I couldn't leave the whole bottle. I had to make it look like I had never had any. While I was partially filling the other bottle, it seemed like a good idea to finish up the tonic. One drink wouldn't hurt. I used to drink a LOT more than that and still be OK. Now I didn't even have "that much" to drink. I was the first time since wls. I had no idea about alcohol speedballing into our systems. I was sober, so far as I can tell. However, about 1 1/2 hours into the trip, I got disoriented and took the wrong fork of the road on Hwy 5 up to the Northbay in Ca.. I'm driving about 90 and thank God the cops pull me over. Of course, I was drunk. I will NEVER forget the look on my kids' faces, crying and screaming as they were driven away and Mommy was put in cuffs. They left everything in the van and towed it away. When I was released 5 hours later at 12:01 am I had absolutely no idea where I was, where my kids were, I didn't have a penny on me. I walke and walked and walked until I found a hospital where someone knew where CPS kids were taken. Then I walked and walked and walked, and then huddled on the front steps of CPS until it opened. The story goes on from there. 10 years sober! 4 drinks! I could have killed my kids. And others. This is the insanity of the disease. It was awhile ago, but I'm crying now as I write this. My only recourse is living amends and to not take another drink. Vicki

Michelle, You have to stand up, dust yourself off and deal with it. You can and you know it. You have screwed up but it isn't the end of the world. You know what to do so do it. I am sure your therapy and support group participation will be an asset in dealing with the system. Obviously you had a researvation about quiting. Can you doubt that you can not drink now? No. So do the next right thing. Have you found a sponsor or started steps? Next time you want to drink call another addict BEFORE you drink. Love ya, don't go away. Laurie

The best thing to do at this point is get yourself to an AA meeting and put your hand up and ask for help. When I was in early recovery, I could not go where alcohol was being served. if that meant missing a party, then sobeit. You are not an idiot, or bad person because of this. You are a human being who has an alcohol problem and you made a mistake, albeit a costly mistake. Beating yourself up over this will just keep you feeling bad about yourself and that isn't going to help anything. Where I live, first time offenders with DUI can often get into a program where their record is expunged after going to outpatient treatment and AA meetings and doing probation. Ask a lawyer about that possibility. It is called ARD here, don't know what the letters stand for. They also take your license for a period of time here. It sucks, but once your record is clear, it is as if you never committed the crime in the first place. I know because my brother had a DUI once. Dig deeper into your recovery program and use this as a learning experience. Work through it with the lawyers and the courts and you will see how you can grow from this experience. Hugs, Trish

Michelle, I know you are feeling lower than a snakes belly right about now, but I just want to let you know that you helped me today. I have been sober 80 days today, went thru 28 days of inpatient to get here. And today I dropped my son off at a friends house and I was planning on drinking. You see I do crave alcohol and I miss going to the bar and chatting up everyone. I am lonely and feeling sorry for myself. The shame I have caused myself and my family is overwhelming at times, but today I will stay sober and it is because of you. Thank You, Paige

Paige, Sorry you are feeling lonely. That is not a good place for a person in recovery. Do you have a support group? A sponsor? Those are such valuable tools. Today I am never lonely! I am plugged into a great group of friends and we are always doing things. Last night was coffee shop/ talent nite. It was not easy to reach out and make new friends in recovery but they save my ass when it is on fire! I am more in tune with my family and we all benefit. If youdo not have a group I encourage you to find one if you do reach out more. Go to coffee, make some calls. Hugs, Laurie

Michelle ~ Sending you loving, reassuring hugs. Please dont hate yourself. We love you. Dana

Michelle- Oy Vey! Have no fear, the worst part is over. Stop beating yourself up about it, because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it now. I don't know the laws in GA, but in PA if it is your first offense on a dui, you will probably just have to pay a fine. I was in a similar situation and recieved my first and last dui in october of 04. I hauled out the big bucks for an attorney I didn't even need. When i say big bucks, it was a mere 1500 bucks...not too bad. Go to court, because my BAC was at .28(limit in PA is .06) I got sent to a 'track 3' sentence/ARD. All this entailed was 2 weekend classes. Sat and Sun 8am-5pm, sitting around getting lectured on why you shouldn't drink and drive. With that, I was forced to do 5 AA meetings as well, and also a fine of $1200, and a 6 month suspension of my license,and probation of 2 years. Point to my story, if it's your first offense you will be fine with a free public defender, and ask for leniency, which is basically a probation and all of the things above it is called ARD. It helps! Good luck Michelle!