Here' the scoop

After much thought, I realized the problem lies not so much with our own relationship, which is far from perfect, but with how the family is operating as a whole. The kids are ruling the roost and we are taking it out on each other. For example, Gordon is on restriction from his guitar. I came home and he was playing it. I asked what did he think he was doing. He said Dad gave it to him. I believed him 100%. I was angry with Rick for not backing me up. It finally came out that Gordon had lied. He snuck in and took it. Now were Rick and I deciding restrictions together and enforcing them as a team, this never could have happened. We have some major work also in that once a restriction is set, that it is clearly defined and adhered to. Not just say one hour on the computer and then two hours later catch them over their limit. So Rick and I have some work to do on that front before we look at each other. Next, I need some private space. The kids have their room and they traipse through mine and Rick's. Rick likes to nap after dinner then stay up until 3, I need to get up at 5 to go to a meeting. I am literally out of my mind with lack of sleep. Especially with menopause, I find myself yelling or crying with the slightest provovation. I know I will drink if this contines. So I'm going to turn the downstairs office and bath inot my place and move the office and guest room upstairs. Then we each have our own are in the house where we can go if we need to chill, I can sleep on my own schedule and Rick on his without us fighting about it everyday, And everyone has to knock if the door is closed. So that's a start. I expect it will clear up 90% of the conflict. But today, especially will not be pretty. Gordon is going to have a major fit when we tell him he cannot go over to Erica's house. Erica is a girl he likes and shejust got back from vacation. I have no doubt I will see the worst in Gordo today. Now he is not a brat by any means, but he will pull out all stops today. I will not be surprised if he breaks something, hits his sister, screams and argues...whatever he thinks will push my buttons. And Rick has two going away parties tonight and won't be home until late, and I have no sponsor. Pray for me! Can you imagine having to do this drunk? For that matter can you even imagine me doing anything at all about it or giving a crap? No, it would all be about me, poor me. I see this as a pivotal point in our family. I swear yesterday I was ready to walk. I take total resposibility for my part in it and I know what I have to do. I'm not going to come down like a hammer, I just need to do the say what I mean and mean what I say. Clean the litter box means now, not tomorrow. One hour is not 90 mins, etc. I thought I was an OK Mom, but now because my kids are so smart, independent and mature, I assumed thhey had good judgement and knew boundaries. My mistake. The two do not go hand in hand, obviously. Oh well, here goes. The kids are still asleep. I just made coffee. Rick and I have agreed on a strategy. (I hope to God he sticks with it or I'm sunk) I am going to give myself half an hour with the paper and chill. This could all really go to hell if I get so stressed that by 5pm I go to the store for a 6 pack. And you know that is not a joke. Vicki

I am praying for you vicki!! Hang in there!!

Vicki, I have experience very similar situations. I really know exactly what you mean. You are right on target with your plan. I have to address these issue too and when I hold my ground on working with Terry on disapline it is so much better. It takes more effort but is worth it. I have to respond to the kids not in anger but because I need to set rules. I have to stick to my rules.( sometimes the hardest part) I need my space. I am the nite owl here. Fortunately the kids are older and I have more privacy as they are so busy and idependant in an age appropriate way. Good insights you are on the right track! Laurie