The Bottle of Vodka

Hello, I had a really rough day today. It rained as I left Pittsburgh this morning, buckets of rain. Then it showered off and on all across the state of PA. Then, just as I entered the Philadelphia area, the buckets turned on again. Flashers on, going 40 mph, I drove the rest of the way home. My nerves were shot. I entered my apartment to see the damage my sister's dog had done when she was staying here during a power outage last week. My AC was running on high, and my computer was running. My niece, who took care of my cats, left them both on. Then, I saw the bottle of vodka. My niece and her friend had failed to take it with them last night. I was trembling with frustration, and if it had not been peach flavored, I would have been tempted big time. I called my niece and told her that she had better rescue it, as it was going to go down the drain soon. I did call my therapist, and cry on his shoulder about an issue I am having with my daughter. I told him that I was half tempted to get drunk and kill myself, but wouldn't do that, as it just would not make sense. He told me I certainly don't want to kill myself after just getting my social work license. I worked too hard to get that to just throw it away now. I laughed and agreed. I felt so much better. My niece and her friend came and rescued their bottle. We discussed "in drinks." When I was in high school and was drinking, Harvey Wallbangers and Cubra Libras were in. I had to explain what they were to them. They are in college, and one of them is 21, and my niece will be 21 in a couple of months. If she were in high school, I would not have been so liberal with their bottle. It would have been in the drain automatically. So, I have decompressed in a healthy way. I talked to some friends, cried on their shoulders, and not acted out with food or alcohol. Have a great weekend, Hugs, Trish

WOW, Trish, I hope you consider tonight (and YOU) thus far a SUCCESS! If the word "fail/ure" enters your mind tonight in any way, BANI****! You have done everything right. AND NOTHING EASY I might add. You should be super-proud of yourself and nothing less. I want to be as strong as you are right now. I'm good, but I kid you not, just driving in the rain would set me off and then the easy out (bottle) would have put me over the edge. You are doing great. And if the thoughts of suicide are there, seek help anywhere- 911, crisis helpline, US your OH buddies, or anyone-a random # can work! Your therapist is right. Your gut instinct is right, your daughter and family need you...I have never been there, but I have lost two dear friends who have completed suicide, so I can only share about who is left behind. I hope they are in a better place, I do, but I'm not. Their parents aren't. Their children don't get it and miss them so much. I know I have heard one too many times that they would rather have their parent here -in any capacity and role-than have no one to send letters to no one to hug, no one to yell at, to have phone conversations with and say I love you. But then THEY stop and say, "I know this is selfish", but I want my mom/dad/parent back. They think they are to blame because they couldnt fill the void or fix any problems. I know I am rambling, but suicidal thoughts for me are so scary. I suppose because I am the

Believe me, I am not suicidal. If I were, my therapist would not have made the joke he did when he mentioned my social work license. There are just times when I want to run away from my feelings when they get as intense as they are today. My ex's father committed suicide when my ex and I were first married. It is something he never got over. I have too much to lose to drink over how I feel right now. Not only would I lose my sobriety, I would lose my sanity and my social work license. I worked too damn hard to get that to throw it away before my career gets off the ground. Besides, believe it or not, I work in a rehab and a psychiatric hospital part time, and I value that too much to give it up over a drink. Bottom line is, I hate how I feel and I hate that the feelings just won't go away when I want them to.. Thanks for the support. It is comforting to know that someone understands my screwy alcholic brain. Hugs, Trish

Computer logged me off! on the other end of it. But just be strong, be needy enough to reach out. Yes, be strong, but not too much to not know that you have people here that care! Lori

What strength!! All my best to you!!

Trish, I always appreciate your heart felt honesty. We all have these days the value is sharing so we know we are not the only ones! Laurie