Who are we?
Well, I have no butt. I am as flat as an ironing board. I once commented that I felt like a popsicle stick with gumdrops on. Someone in the G group replied, hey, I've seen your picture and you're not skinny, in fact you could lose some. Ouch! Support group.
Point is, my stomach was always bigger than my breasts so I never even thought about them. All of a sudden I realized my breasts were preceeding me into the room. I didn't know what to think. As big and confident as I am, for the first time in my life, I felt self-conscious. I mean, being fat, I felt bad. But never like I wanted to hide part of my body. It took my Mom telling me to straighten up; I was walking like a fat person (gotta love blood relatives!) for me to try to walk proud. IT WAS HARD! I was so comfortable for so many years being the funny and entertaining friend and all of a sudden I felt like a pair of boobs. I belonged to an organization in California for over ten years and nobody paid attention to me. I lost weight and they're all of a sudden friendly, seeking me out, at least the guys. Some, I admit, were uncomfortable and would not look me in the eyes. But most..
Can we miss parts of our bodies like that? I DO miss my butt, but not everything else that was around it and, unfortunately my body doesn't discriminate when it drops pounds. I DO still feel like my breasts preceed me. I DO tend to withdraw when people ogle instead of basking in it.
Just had a guy call me who was in Austin for a music convention, high quality guy renowned in the music business, wanting to get together. I squashed that, though were I single I would jump him and he probably knows it.
(I am so friggin good..and I mean goody goody)
My dearest friend got mad at me claiming I was flirting with her son and I was clueless. I was acting the same as always.
That's when it hit me. I had become sexualized.
Doesn't matter if I am a popsicle stick or not. What matters is how I see my self. I FEEL like one, I didn't brag and say I am one (and who would want to be anyway).
I joke sometimes that you know I had a jewish doc for ps because he "made" me with slim hips and big boobs. (I dated Jewish a long time, so this is not derogatory..I know) But actually I have to accept that's what I really am. Had I not gotten fat, that is the hand life would have dealt me. My Dad has a flat ass and my Mom has big boobs, ta da!.
You would think being 210 pounds lighter I would be happy as a clam. Well, I am. But I wouldn't mind having back my butt.
You have to be careful. Sometimes even people who you think are in your corner can get nasty. Their problem, not ours.
So anyway, people never believe I am shy, but I think that is my nature. I see it as being on the edge of the pool when my Dad threw me in and said sink or swim. I ended up being class VP, govt rep for the business school in college, grad grant student to China, mktg mgr in Taiwan, having my own business in singapore (hence the name!). It's almost second nature now. I can walk into a room of professionals and feel confident. Except every once in awhile, the old me surfaces. I was at Esther's Follies, the political satire/comedy I told you about, and had a sudden surge of self consciousness. Luckily, I had a paper to read as cover. I swallowed it, went inside, sat down and talked to the couple beside me and had a great time.
People only see what is on the outside. They have no clue what is really going on. And that doesn't mean I'm faking it. Our perceptions of ourselves are just different. Sometimes I think we should pay more attention to how people see us than how we see ourselves. Unless it's a sour relationship, usually people see you and admire you for your attributes, not your faults. Kinda like my country club set doesn't define me as a MO loser; they admire me for my talents. And I DO have talents. I do NOT have to be defined by my fatness; lazy, sloth, indisciplines, lower class, not worthy, etc... I may have done the embassy circuit and consulate circuit, but I never felt good about myself. Maybe people secretly put me down, maybe not. There was no comfort. I had no pride in my , come to think of it..pretty incredible, accomplishments.
But I AM NOT shy...that was the old me. I look good, I have to embrace it, but still be modest.
I used to go to the museum and I was invisible. Now if I stand in front of a painting for a minute, someone, men and women, come up and talk to me. Same with the grocery store, the locker room at the gym, even the parents waiting to meet the teacher line at school.
Hmm. Takes some getting used to. Is this how normal people live?
Told you there was more to this than losing weight. What are you going to do with that bod once you get there and are free of all of your self-loathing? Myself, I now have to have plastics on my eye where I wiped out on the bike. 48 and I think I am 18!
Vicki
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