Glad I found this board

I am so glad I found this board. When I had my surgery 3 months ago I thought ...now I can't drink or practice my bulimia life will magically be great. Have done them both for 25 years quite extensively. That dream lasted about two months. In the past month I have "partied" quite hard. Every morning after I wake up, I dump the rest of the bottle of vodka down the drain, thinking I won't do it again. It's light vodka, can't be that bad...I know better and that is what makes me angry at myself. I would like to blame this on my husband who is in Iraq. His own addiction or problem is about to put me over the edge... I am trying to decide wether to stay or go. It is my choice I know on drinking or staying or going, I just don't trust myself. I worked with substance abuse while in the military. I have my degree in Pyschology, I have been seeing a therapist for the past two years. The fact that I know better and I know it is dangerous does not deter me but makes me more angry with myself. I used alcohol and bingeing/purging to numb myself for so many years. The best, most clear two months of my life were after this surgery and now I am chancing it and I don't have a clue why. I am venting and will probably feel silly for posting as soon as I post this. Just looking for understanding from people that get it.

I am so glad that you are here, posting about it all. I can relate to a lot of your posts. I have been in AA for 17 years, but only sober for almost five. I have done the binge/purge as well. I am pre-op, but am going to AA meetings to make sure I stay sober. I have also been in therapy for 18 years, God bless my poor therapist. To add to the confusion, a year ago, I finished my MSW in clinical social work, and work in a psychiatric hospital and a rehab part time. I can only encourage you to immerse yourself in AA and start working the 12 steps. Don't worry about what to do with the husband right now. Take care of you for the time being. Put down the bottle and get to a meeting. Use the internet to find a meeting. If you can find this support group, you can find a meeting. Get to it and put up your hand and share. You are intelligent, but then, so am I. Sometimes working in mental health works against some of us. Hugs, Trish

I am looking for a meeting in my town and not finding one. I went in the past but was so afraid to even say my name, that was 16 years ago. Now that I want to find one I can't!!!, but I won't stop looking until I do. Thank you and hugs back.

Hey JD~ Just wanted to send you a big hug!! Dana

Hi Dana Thank you. Even tho this is the Internet I don't feel as alone now as I did this morning. Was reading some of your posts this morning and realized that I am not the only one that struggles with this issue. Yours actually gave me the courage to post. Big Hug back at ya!! Jade

Welcome JD, You will find like spirits here. Did you do an internet search for AA mtgs in your state? Our local paper posts all the meetings here and a hot line phone number so you can locate a meeting. Try not to be too fearful. As a newcomer you will be the most important one there.Everyone there knows it is hard to go to that first meeting. Your husband is not home so you have time to work on yourself without him. As Trish said you can deal with that later. Good luck!!! Glad you posted Laurie

Welcome! Vent away - Lord knows I've done my share here and have received nothing but love and support! Addiction is such a demon that simply KNOWING what we're doing isn't enough - is it? In fact, like Trish said, knowing it all to well often works against us (I've been to a lifetime of therapy related to the OTHER addicts/alcoholics in my life). I'm sending you hugs and love and support and any extra strength I can spare Keep on keeping on - you can do it! love, Michelle

You all have helped so much just by understanding. I tend to think I create drama in my life because who knows what would happen if it calmed down??