I am literally shaking with something

Anger? Resentment? Fear? Sadness? Boy, I could make this a long story, but I won't. (Ha!) Some of you know exactly where I'm coming from. I was sober over 10 years when I relapsed. Hubby went to Singapore and that insane thought "Time to party. No one will know." Parties, Superbowl, holidays; we all have our slippery slopes and this was mine. Just a 6 pack took me down. I ended up missing a stair and tripping into the wall, gashing my head. I was alone with the kids. As I crawled to and lay on my bed, my boy called my Grandsponsor who told him to get my neighbor. Over he came, called an ambulance,Pthe paramedics came and I was braced and taken to the hospital, neighbor and kids in tow. I had 11 stitches, the scars of which I still feel on my scalp. What a scene I made. Big hole in the wall, too. I know the kids will never forget it. It is so much harder to stay sober after a slip , for me at least. I know now, even though I heard it said over and over for a decade, that I will NEVER be safe from that first drink, no matter how much time I have. Yesterday I told hubby he had to make sure there was no beer in the house. That if I somehow slipped, it was rehab for me. Despite me being "sure" I won't drink this time, I have a healthy fear. That's why Iam so proactive with my sobriety. I turned this situation over, made commitments to my sponsor, the early risers group, my doc, and even someone at the gym. I will not let this take me and my kids down!!! Well, I bet you can guess. Here I am all excited. Treating the 2 weeks as a health spa, treat Vicki right time. Tomorrow is the meeting, a visit to my doc, then to the Chiropractor for a massage and adjustment, then a workout. By 11 am I should be clean, rosy and energized. I have something special planned for each of my days. An art museum, a comedy review, the symphony July 4th on the banks of river in Austin, manicure and pedicure, new hairdo...you get the idea. No more thinking I shouldn't treat myself well. Small cost dollar wise, and I certainly had no problem scraping together money when I wanted a drink! So I'm feeling great about today, am actually watching Monk while rearranging and cleaning the den (and I mean cleaning. Everywhere I turn there is a pile of junk we haven't figured out what to do with foer the year we'ver been in Texas. And what do I find on the windowsill? An open case of beer with 9 cans left in it. I know he knows he left it there, because he had a beer (don't you just love it? A beer). So I told myself no big deal, I'm going to the meeting tomorrow, I'll put it in the garage. I don't want to waste good beer by pouring it down the drain. Who could I give it to? And in a moment of clarity (I absolutely did NOT crave a beer or have any intention of drinking even one) the insanity of the train my mind was on hit me. I called my Mom in California and asked her to hold on the phone while I popped each can and poured it down the drain. I feel betrayed, misunderstood. How could he? But honestly, I could go out and buy some right now if I wanted to. It's my choice. There was a time when I had no choice. AA helped me find it. The entire house smells like beer. I am not pissed (either way!) We can never expect normies to understand the serious of our addictions. Just ONLY 9 cans could well spell death for me, or others. Still, one always hopes they will empathize. That's why we have each other. 15 years I've been married to this guy and he doesn't get it. I've never even met any of you, but I know there are some out there who get this entire post. I'm going to go read some big book, something I rarely do unless it's an assignment or at a meeting, try to calm down, not dwell on it, so I can get some sleep, wake up at 5 tomorow and treat myself all foo foo tomorrow. I "should" clean house tomorrow, but sometimes, it's just better to surround myself with help; something I could never dare ask this of before my relapse. So that wasn't long, was it? LOL! You don't know how looong I can make it, and were I drunk, I would tell it over and over again. But I don't need to post this anywhere else. I need to give a sigh of relief and move on. I'm proud of myself. Sure beats waking up tomorrow with guilt, remorse and a hangover. If I ever woke up at all. Vicki I feel better already as I push the submit button.

It would be great if our family was supportive of us in recovery. My ex did not allow alcohol in our house when we were married, because of my addiction.....BUT...he serves my heroin addict son wine when my son visits him and his wife. He doesn't think my son has an alcohol problem, he was just going through a phase with alcohol. HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! The kid was arrested for possession, and the ex paid a lawyer thousands of dollars to keep his A** out of jail. He did rehab and recovery houses. He got kicked out of my house and the ex's. BUT, he does not have an alcohol problem, he just had a little heroin addiction. DUH!!! Sorry for the tirade. I just empathize in a lot of ways. On a different note, when I was on a no sugar diet, one of the many times I tried to lose and failed, he brought home some Healthy Choice ice cream and put the half gallon in front of me and said, "Try this, it's really good." I have learned from my recovery, that if I got better, he would have to change too. One of the reasons we got divorced. He just couldn't handle marriage with me getting better. It could be an unconcious way of being sabotaged. If you get better, hubby will have to look at himself. Hope this makes sense. Hugs, Trish

I enjoyed reading your post and am inspired on your commitment of staying sober. Thanks!!

Vicki, My sentiments exactly! My hubby IS very supportive but when I recently told him I was feeling vulnerable and wanted the alcohol out of site out of mind he left it to ME to put it away! I cannot be mad because he does not understand fully. i am struck by the idea that he just can never full appreciate the impulsiveness I live with. The struggle it is somedays to see it before it bites my ass. Laurie