Upset with myself big time

I need a shoulder to cry on. Two of my kids are very angry at me. My daughter's husband does not want her to visit me while she is in town. I have said some stuff that is manipulative about my kids preferring their father to me, his house to my house, etc. It all relates to my dismally low self-esteem and feeling so inferior to their father, I want to die sometimes. I have apologized to both of them. I have tried to explain to them that what I said came from my low self-esteem and not from anger toward them. My son told me that he has been diagnosed with PTSD, which is a result of how I treated my kids when they were younger. I wish I were dead sometimes. Their lives would be so much easier for them to be able to not have to live in fear of what Mom might say to them. I am not interested in drinking right now. I am not going to hurt myself. I just wish a truck could crash into my car and kill me instantly. Trish

Oh Trish, I am sorry. Remember that you are working on this area. Do the best you can. You cannot change the past but today you can do the right thing. I do not need to tell you that living life differently takes awhile to be truelly noticed by the ones we hurt in the past. Check your thoughts before you talk to your kids. Try to not repeat old behavior.Your feelings hurt but they are just feelings. They do not have to remain your reality. Dust yourself off and inventory the positive changes you are making. You can be the woman you want to be. You just have to keep doing it. This self esteem issue is painful. It is what keeps us sick. You may have to accept that the kids are dealing with their stuff now. They are adults with issues too. Give them some space to grow and keep on the right path. When they are ready they will see a new and improved you. It sounds so corny but honestly it is true, if you do not love yourself how can you give and receive love? This self destructive thinking is gonna beat the crap out of you and nothing good will result. Live in abudence Trish. You are worth it. Laurie

PS- I send a couple of the gals here a meditation I get several times weekly for women in recovery. If you are interested send me your email address! I really liked todays. laur

Thanks, I know the drill for my kids. I have this impulsivity problem. Don't we all though. Hugs, Trish

Me impulsive!!!! Ha Ha! Yes, it can be a problem. I KNOW! Laur