More Dreams - and notes on Self Abuse..

The Ambien CR is working better for me, but I'm still having the occassional nightmare. The recurring theme has been my father and abandonment. In one dream I was stranded at the airport, and he refused to come get me when I called. In the one last night, he physically dragged me out of his home. My father is an alcoholic (highly functioning and successful) - has been as far back as I can remember. He nearly lost his life almost 3 years ago hunting on the railroad tracks after drinking all day - he passed out and his truck wa**** by a train. He was in the hospital for almost a year. My natural mother is a very NOT functioning alcoholic - she basically abandoned me when I was 9 - I've not spoken to her since. I touched on my feelings of abandonment in my therapy session Monday, so that's probably why I'm having these dreams about my father. The weird thing is that he has always been the "rock" in spite of his alcoholism. Now I won't lie and say he was much good for emotional support, but he taught me well, met all my other needs, and is a pretty smart and caring man, in spite of his weaknesses. He's never actually abandoned me in any way other than emotionally. If I need him for anything - he's there and he would NEVER physically remove me from his home. Either way - I understand the dream. OK - someobody please tell me that as I work thru these issues these nightmares will eventually stop. I don't like them. NEWSFLASH! Maybe that's why I've self-medicated all these years... Now on to my notes of self abuse. I've lost 2 more pounds. On the one hand, I could blame the recent loss on *NOT* consuming 1200 calories a day in beer. On the other hand however, I've been a little naughty. I make conscious decisions not to eat at night for instance. I'm terrified that the Lexapro will make me gain weight. I've become even more militant about measuring my food when I do eat. I'm noticing that psychologically, I'm reaching out to "CONTROL" the one thing I seem to be able to control - my weight. That is not healthy and I know this. The past two nights, I've skipped supper entirely (nibbled a bite or two while cooking for the kids but that's it). I sat with the kids, and had a glass of milk while they ate, but never got around to eating myself. The sick part of my mind told me yesterday that it was atonement for the m&m's I ate earlier in the day. When I went to bed, I was legitimately hungry, but refused to eat right before bed. You guys see the same warning signs that I'm seeing here? As I mentioned before - I am the queen of transferrence. I wish I could transfer my issues to WORKING too much instead of trying to control crazy stuff in my life or trying to make myself feel better by destructive behavior. I'm worrying myself with the extra loss - but I'm more terrified of gaining weight again. I need to get a grip. Anyhow - I wanted to share those thoughts. I'm pretty proud of my self-awareness, although I feel a little helpless to control my behavior sometimes. I *am* trying however, and hopefully I can work thru both the issues causing the nightmares, AND the issues causing me to do dumb things to myself. love and hugs, m

Michelle, you are very grounded in your understanding of what it happening. I too have a functional alcoholic for a father and I know he loves me and would do anything in his power for me. That said I too suffered. Verbal abuse was the thing I deal with. I finally came to some peace with it about 4 years ago. I know he did his best at the time and I can see him from an adult viewpoint. I work to tune out the little girl. I am grown now and we are both old. We have changed and improved to the best of our abilities for now. I actually say the erenity Prayer over and over until the crazy feelings go away if he starts getting to me. In fact on our last visit I had NO episodes of feeling 12 yr old. The dreams will subside. They are helping you in a way right now. They are just dreams. Not real. Altho I suspect the emotion you feel is based in real fears. I just had a conversation with someone this week about healthy fear vs unhealthy fear. Healthy fear protects us, unhealthy fear paralyses us. As for the weight issues. You know what you are doing which means you can do something about it. Maybe shakes would be a healthy choice now. Eat by the cloc****il your appetite returns. Pray for guidence to do what is best. Laurie

I totally relate to that abandonment issue. That fear of abandonment controlled me from as early as I can remember in my childhood, till this past winter. Most of the weight I put on was due to my fear of abandonment. I felt the fear and ate to numb it. One of the things that helped me lose that fear was to become more solid in my emotional and spiritual recovery, and take care of myself. My faith in God teaches me that He will never leave me nor abandon me. My personal growth has shown me that I am sufficient without the people I feared losing in the first place. Give yourself a hug, and tell yourself that you are okay right now, where you are, who you are, and you can take care of yourself now. Hugs, Trish