Whoda Thunk?

I would have never guessed on June 1, that I was going to make it to the 19th for m psych appt. I would have never guessed on June 6, that things would ever be ok for me and my son again. I would have never guessed that I could step away from alcohol, tobacco, marijuana and FACE the reality of my life - complete with all the various parts I don't like. I'm actually doing all those things! Today I'm going to pat myself on the back. Laurie - my first meeitng was really nice. I didn't say much, but I did encounter a couple of people I know (my biggest fear growing up in this small town), but they did me the courtesy of not saying anything about having known me for years. I'm sure next time I might feel more at ease owning my own issues - maybe not. At any rate, it was a very positive experience. My psych appt was good too - she reaffirmed me. I have anxiety disorder and OCD (the compulsive eating,smoking,shopping,drinking etc) according to her. I was in the throes of a full blown panic attack during the appt - it was VERY obvious that I was in need of some help. I was literally VIBRATING for a few hours yesterday... just trembling and hyperventilating. That in addition to a 5-6 lb weight loss in 2 weeks had her a bit concerned. My pcp was not amused either (I had to follow up with him afterwards to talk about meds and if he agreed iwth her regarding which ones to take) Long story short - I'm now on 10 mg daily of Lexapro (hope I don't gain weight with it), got my xanax refilled for 2 weeks worth ****il the lexapro starts to kick in) and they gave me ambien CR this time (so I could stay asleep longer than 2 hours). I'm to return to the PCP in 2 weeks to follow up regarding the meds, and returning to the psychoanalyst in a month to have another therapy session. Our goal is to determine WHY I stuff my feelings with compulsive behavior. This should be interesting. I also have ongoing family therapy with my son for a few months. In the meantime, my son is doing well - cooperating, going to outpatient therapy daily for a couple of weeks (even though he grumbles about getting up early - he does it in a respectful manner), and slowly earning some of his privileges back with his respectful attitude and cooperation. I took him to the library and he got a few books to read too - even one on managing anger - I'm proud of him. So today I actually feel better. I'm not sure if it's just knowing I'm getting help, or if by some miracle, the lexapro is actually beginning to make a difference (they say 7-20 days before I notice), but either way - I have NO CRAVINGS for tobacco OR alcohol. AND THAT IS THE BIGGEST BLESSING OF ALL! I think I'm actually going to be ok. I'm goign to try to go to another meeting tonight - I just feel so empowered and brave all of a sudden! Love you guys! m

Michelle, I was so happy to read your posts today. Way to go girl! It sounds so encourging.As for the lexapro I have been on it since 4 weeks post op. I previously took other ones. I have no problems with it in fact far less side effects than I had with others. Everyone is different but it is by far my best anti depressant used so far and that is since 1991! Glad you had a positive experience at the meeting. I am sure glad I went today. I did not realize I was acting out but then I got to feeling funny about those damn carmels I ate yesterday. 3 of them and I was so hungry. Old habits. I was willing to dump to have those candies! I was doing the photo albums and I know it was getting to me. I looked at pix of me in my adult life going from an unhealthy 87# to an unhealthy 316#.It was a bit emotional. I should never have brought those candies into the house but I guess I would have eaten something else. It isn't the candy it is me! Not going to beat myself up just make better choices. It is a good thing to see what I am doing before I damage myself and can decide to do the right thing. Love ya, laurie

Way to go!!! You made it through the session. That is great. I remember when I first started therapy, I was a trainwreck looking for a mountain to crash into. I am currently on Lexapro, and I don't find it to cause weight gain. When I first got sober, I was on Xanax and my pcp took me off it when he learned I was an alcoholic. There is a danger of it being addictive. If it causes you trouble, be honest with the docs and ask about Buspar. It does the same thing as Xanax without the addictive component. I am on that now. If you are in a 12 Step program, work that 11th step everyday. Spend some time decompressing in prayer and meditation. That is what saves me everyday. Hugs, Trish

Thanks Trish! My mom got me a Modern English Translation Bible to replace the one my son destroyed in his anger fit last week. I actually really like it a lot better than the KJV I had previously! It has this neat section at the front that lists various things we may look to the bible for guidance about and verses that correspond. It's kind of neat to go thru those and read. I'm going to go for a nice long walk with the dog in a few minutes and spend some time in my head. Things definitely look better than they did a week ago at this time. Big hugs, m

Great. Something that helped me in early recovery was the Recovery Devotional Bible, in the NIV translation. The devotionals in it all relate to recovery issues, and if I remember correctly, it shows which verses coincide with the different steps in the 12 steps in recovery programs. It also has an index with issues that recovering people may deal with. You could probably find it on Amazon. I remember in my early recovery I had a beautiful dog and we would go for walks and I would sometimes just cry, because I didn't know what else to do at the time. I miss that dog. She was the best thing for me then. Enjoy. Hugs, Trish

WTG Michelle! I too am in the throws of self-distruction.. I hope to go to a meeting TODAY... I need to!! I have been embarassed to call my therapist to set up an appt, but I hope to do that too. Your comments regarding your braveness and empowerment are encouraging to me and I desperately want to feel that. thanks for sharing... Dana