Carrying the message

I have learned a lot over the last couple of years. I have been a raging co-dependant in the past and a large part of my recovery has been in dealing with this. Carry the message not the addict. I have also learned that I can share in good faith and sincerely but sometimes the person I am trying to reach is not ready to hear. I can only hope a seed is planted. In my community at 50 yr old many of the people who come into the rooms are young. I am a dinosaur in comparison. They are my kids age. They often come to meetings because the court orders them to do it. I hate to see them leave, to relapse but I am powerless. All I can do is be there with a message of recovery. I have lived long enough to know the world is not black and white. There is no easy answer. Recovery is work. It requires an open mind and willingness. It requires looking for the similarities and not the differences. Not everyone is ready and willing just because the show up. So I pray they keep coming back and eventually they stick around before it is too late. Love ya all, Laurie

See, the thing is, pre-wls/sobriety I thought good faith, carrying the message, spread the seed smacked of intolerant Bap___ (sorry, I'm sure we all have notions which are disproved). Step on a crack, break....) Coming to believe... the big, old guyin the gold throne with the jeweled crown who bestowed you with one jewel for every person you had saved in life. Hello, I am lucky to have saved myself! So far. When we 12 steppers say words which have a religious conotation, the meaning is very loose and accepting. It is never exclusionary. Many a time I have sat in a 6 am meeting with someone railing against the concept of God. They weren't kicked out. They earned their seat. I didn't know before that I could not adhere to a prescribed religion, and yet have faith, tolerance and hope. Humph! Even the words smack of I don't know what to me still, but it's regardless a wonderful feeling to be centered. Despite my squirrellies! Vicki

Looks like neither of us are sleeping tonight! I am not an organized religion kind of gal. Oh I have been raised in one and even participated when my kids were young and in Catholic school. I never could deal with all of it tho. Even as a child I just could not accept everything I was told. So today I work under the positive energy/negative energy concept. call it good vs evil, God/devil. Whatever. I know when I stay in the positive I attract the positive and same with negativity. It removes the getting hung up on the concepts of a christian God. That is not to say I do not believe that Jesus walked this earth. Lets just say I do not limit myself to that. I do not have a problem with others perception of a Higher Power. Nor am I offended by God refernces. I know some are and it can be a serious stumbling block.I also do not tweek in meetings when altho instructed not to name specific drugs some people do it anyway. I do however get anxious because I know there are people in the meetings who have triggers to this kind of thing. I think by nature I am a pretty open to new ideas person. Maybe that is a blessing. I did not know how hung up in people pleasing I was nor how much I tried to control everything as if I was so damn powerful. I was/ am the emotional police by nature. I think that is one of those character traits gone astray. Caring taken to the extreem of controling! Well, it is 3:30 am I guess I should try to sleep. Nite, Laurie

This morning it's quiet - younger kids with family - older son still in teh hospital until I pick him up later today. I'm alone "in my head" as I say it, and I don't like it. I'm going to a 10 am meeting this morning - my first one ever for me. I've been to several with my ex, but the first ever just for me. I'm nervous for some strange reason, but I just need to know right now that there are others who dont' like being "alone in their head" either and maybe I can absorb either some coping skills by osmosis, or be encouraged enough to just stick it out and muddle through another day. Now that things are somewhat looking up for me and my son, I have a complete new myriad of anxiety issues. I have my therapy appt Monday at 10 am, and that's also very encouraging - SSRI's are only a few days away, and within 10 days, the edge of the anxiety should be blessedly taken away and allow me to focus better. Even though I'm newly addicted, newly sober and long-time confused, I realize that I too can offer hope to others. One thing about the whole addiction dynamic is the SHAME! I'm a pretty ballsy girl, so I figure, hey if I can just put MY demons out in a public venue without fear, MAYBE somebody will identify with me and get some help for him/herself. I fully believe in healing thru charity (we give - we get). Laurie - you are definitely a role model for me. I long for the days when I have your clarity and self understanding. The world is a better place for having you in it. BIG HUGS, m

Oh Michelle, I am a bit teary here. Thanks. I do not always understand myself but I have a good support system that has helped me along the way. I like you came to recovery with a lot of willingness. That does not mean I did not have reservations but I was able to see them in time and figure out what I needed to do about them.I am so happy for you that you have decided to do it for you. I have read your support of others and you clearly have a lot to bring to the table. do't leave! Hugs back at you, Laurie

I can relate to some of what is being shared here. I have been in, and out, of the rooms of AA for almost 17 years. I remember taking my youngest to an NA meeting and wishing I could just transform his mind for him. He is 23 now, and is clean off heroin, but now he is a social drinker. He swears he is not an alcoholic. (I have a bridge to sell him.) What bothers me the most is that his dad, my ex, serves him alcohol in his home. My ex would not allow alcohol in our home when we were married. He is remarried to a wine drinker. Ex thinks son does not have a drinking problem. It does not matter that I have worked in two rehabs while in graduate school. It does not matter that I have done extensive research on the needs of recovering alcoholics and addicts. Ex thinks I am brainwashed by AA Nazis. I feel sorry for my son. He has no relationship with God, and is flying by the seat of his pants through life. All I can do is pray that he gets back to the rooms before he hurts himself or someone else with his drinking. Hugs, Trish

Trish, I so know what you mean. It is really hard to see something that another just is not ready to see. Hell, I bet there are people who see me do things and wonder why I don't GET IT! I am finally addressing my 6th step and boy it all comes down to fear in the end for me. All my character defects rolled into one ball and I end up with the fear factor. So I guess I need to address what is healthy fear vs destructive fear. I thought the onion analogy was so silly when I first heard it. That again! But honestly as far as I have come I realize I will continue to have new insights as time goes along and thank goodness. Peeling one layer away and finding a whole new thing I sound look at. I am so happy your son is doing better and I would have the very same fears for him. I will add him to my prayers. The energy sent can never hurt. He has the seed now it just needs to grow. There is hope. The changes in me speak volumes to my kids. All soon to have birthdays. Andy will be 22, Mags 18 and Mike 17 Yr. I have my issues with young adults!!!LOL Love ya, Laurie

Young adult kids can be so much fun, but they seem to keep me on my knees much longer. One lives in New York City, and he, Christopher, age 28 tells me yesterday that he thinks he has cancer. He is going to the doctor on Monday, but says he has all the symptoms of testicular cancer. Now he does not have medical insurance. I am not made of money, so I have to pray it is something minor. The youngest, Sean, age 23, lives in Pittsburgh, and has been in and out of different colleges, at my expense. Not sure if he will ever graduate. I am broke with his student loans. (My part of the divorce, thank you.) The one with a steady head on her shoulders is my oldest, Colleen, soon to be 30 years old. She is a reading specialist and is married to a carpenter. They are trying to become parents, something I never had trouble with. Hehe. They live in Michigan. The hardest thing for me is living alone now. With my kids scattered across the country, being alone is so difficult. Especially like now, I had foot surgery, and really feel the aloneness of it all. Well, three more days of school, and then I am on summer vacation. catch you later, Hugs, Trish

I too have learned alot, but seem to not remember (by choice). Even if you reach 1 of the kids, that 1 kid will 'pay it forward', hopefully.. Thanks for your kindness and understanding. You dont judge, yet listen. You have been an amazing resource and inspiration to me and for that I am eternally grateful.