Frustrated and blue

I love my kids but, dang it, sometimes they really p me off! Gordo has been back talking and Zo has been sulking around picking on Gordo and it goes on like that, all day long except when they want something. I went to my ladies' luncheon, called back and they were fighting; Zo claimed Gordo went in her room and trashed it and she was crying. I had to leave early, later finding out Gordo was at fault but hadn't trashed Zo's room as she had dramatically claimed. I had to cancel Blues on the Green that night and restrict them from computer because of not doing their meager chores w/o arguing and having to tell them more than 2 times to do things. We were at the theater last night and 5 minutes before curtain we had to leave and forego the show because of Gordo's backtalking, especially in public. Now they are both on restriction. Zo's behavior was also not good. Besides the sulking I had to tell her repeatedly to call her girlfriend to arrange the time for her sleepover tonight. After the 4th time over the course of the day, I cancelled. I haven't seen or talked to hubby even 1 minute since we got satellite TV. He is a non-participant in the discipline and actually gets mad at ME instead of the kids if his sports are interrupted. Now, guess who is on "restriction' too? I had to cancel my summer SCUBA trip because Rick is yet, again, convinced his grandma in Singapore is going to die (of course she will!) and he needs to take the kids home to see her. So this week was my only break, and I reallt needed it. So I'm on the pity pot. I briefly thought about a nice G&T until my brain immediately went forward to the consequences. Not an option. So I'm hungry, trying to get back on track, angry at not being able to get any support or do anything that slave and gestapo work, lonely because I have no spouse to share with, tired because hubby snores so much and won't wear the snore strips I bought so I have moved to the guest room and can't sleep yet. I have 4 theater tickets on hand for tonight also. What to do with them? I do NOT want to go with the family right now, and if I give in, my restrictions are meaningless. Geez, it looks worse on paper than it feels! Or am I trying to bru**** under the rug justifying it with my side of the street thinking? I have a fantasy of bailing, but that would last for a whole day or two. I guess we all do sometimes, which is probably how they got the term geographic. I know that serenity is in inverse proportion to expectations. And I was REALLY looking forward to this week of exploring Austin and getting back to my healthy routine. I didn't drink, but iI ended up sucking candy at 9pm, got up this morning and, sure enough, my pristeen day up until the end was for naught pound-wise. Oh well, today is a new day. I'll spend some time figuring out how to make it better next time instead of wallowing as a victim. And if it takes getting a sitter for my 12 and 13 year old so I can get some respite once in awhile, so be it. Thanks for the vent. It's not the big things that can take me out. It's the seemingly little but incessant drip, drip, drip... I think it's time for a noon meeting today, and if I'm stressed out, another one tonight. Thank God we have lots of them within 20 miles around here. I have an alternative! Vicki

Hello You are in my prayer and I know how it feels to have a husband thats sit infront of the tv when he is not working. Stick to your guns and don't give in no theater. You will feel better about it Lisa

Hi Vicki, Well if it helps I have been there. Good news tho is that the kids do get older and more mature with time. My hubby is gradually a bit more sensitive and a bit more involved in disaplin. Can't spell today! Anyway it has been a long road. As my boys got older I had to insist my husband occassionally step up to the plate. I explained that unless he wanted weak, addicted, unexpected pregnancy issues for his sons he had to have the man to man relationship with his sons. I still deal with the daily stuff and basically he takes the don't mess with your mom attitude or I will HAVE to step in. Thats okay altho irritating. I at least have found a place that I can compromise and not feel alone. It took some serious time and conversation to get hubby to see that I need his support and will assume the primary role but not alone. There was a time it was he and the kids always he always sided with them. When they were small and I was in active addiction is was bad enough but teens are a whole new deal. They spin out of control easily. I had to point out the importance of these years in terms of what kind of adult do you want these 3 kids to be? Work with me not against me. TV? He rarely watches it but when he does he is in another world. I just tune it out and do my own thing. I sincerely hope you can find some balance in this situation. My family is far from perfect but with time and work we have found compromise and I do not feel so alone. Love ya, Laurie

The thing is, mu husband is Chinese and has "face". Ther are boundaries of respect you simply do not cross. I come from a totally renegade, passionate (for the moment) verboscious clan. When hubby gets with my relatives, they will be all so nice, and then blammo!!! They think they will wake up the next morning and all will be forgiven, but it will not. We rewmember. My step-mom capaigned against both husbands my sister married, they divorced, and now behind my back, having failed to convince me these last 2 years I should leave my husband, she is emailing hubby saying he should leave me and dissing me big time. I was always the fat one. Now she is. But I don't think this has anything to do with fat. We have to be able to stand back, not take it personally and ask ourselves what in the hell is thier problem. I can see my stepmom came from a poor southern town, not much to look at, her Mom was the town gossip, thereby in a small town, popular of a sorts. Stepmom thinks she can "enforce troups" by cattermongering and getting people on her side. Who cares if there is no side? I say so, therefore it is. I invited them to my house last year. I gave her a drink in a short glass. I put mine in a tall glass loaded with ice. She started ranting about how i drank so much and how hoorible I was to not be able to control myself and they should have sent me to a psychologist when I was 14. I said nothing, walked into the kitchen, got a small glass, went out to the deck and poured my "big" drink into the glass. Not even 2/3 full. She sent me some of her old clothes. They were all ugly and way too big. I suspect she knew that. I gave them away and sent her a slip for the tax deduction. She was pissed. She hates me now. That's maybe one reason she's on a campaign. You know what the funny thing is? We don't give a dang. We're not mean to her, don't exclude her, but don't invite her. She has to earn it. So I am trying to get my kids to behave, hubby to get his head out of ESPN, stepmother to shut up and be supportive and cut out this ridiculous eating, which is not binging, but this idea I can eat anything. However, I am not exercising 5x a week so something has got to give. So, water off a duck's back, right? Then why am I pushing my upper limit and eating candy? 1) I am stressed and suck on candy (hard candy) as a relief 2) I am eating the same but not exercising 3) I have gotten lazy and have no constraints, and tho' I don't binge, I do not make wise choices 4) I am in holiday mode, exploring all the restaurants in Austin, fun venues. I admit we are eating our way through town. 5)I fear a break-up of my life as I know it, leaving hubby, kids half-time, stuck in Texas 6) I am in menopause and do not know what the hell is going on. Well, I don't have to solve it tonight. It will unfold. These are just thoughts...they no longer dominate my life like they did pre-wls. I just gotta walk through it and see what unfolds! How wonderful to have self-esteem, confidence and be able to face the future w/o fear. Vicki

Boy, you brought back memories of my kids when they were younger. And I was trying to get sober at the same time. Husband was less than supportive then too. Thing I can assure you with is that it will pass. Do something nice for yourself, like take a bubble bath, or put some classical music on the stereo and make a glass of iced tea and just revel in the music. I drin****d green tea, and that is my "****tail" at the end of a hard day. Now that my kids are all adults, I teach middle school, so I understand your situation more than you could know. Be consistent. Stick to your guns. It will be worth it in the long run. Do you go to meetings? They are a great place to let go of the crap that gets bottled up inside. Hang in there, Hugs, Trish

The thing is. I don't want my kids to veg at home on the computer, IM, DS2, satellite TV. They are blessed with some great opportunities they got through no help of ours, just a fluke. I want them to be exposed to music, theater, art, sports, travel, and find their passion and compassion. When they were 4 and 5, they strapped on backpacks and flew with me to Thailand where we overlanded it to ****et, Koh Samui, Perhentians, Malaysia, Kota Bahru, more and finally Singapore. Buses, train, boats, even oxen, local food and lodgings, but we got there. And it was unforgettable. I'm not like the Chinese or Indians in that I press my kids, sometimes too much, to be academic. They gain it through intuitive understanding which comes from experience. We went to the newly opened Blanton Museum in Austin today. There were several incredible, mind provoking exhibits. One, which fascinated the three of us, was a television screen with a target, much like the Indian of yonder years which was counting down 10...9...8...7...when you get to 1 the next...is show starts, right? Well, it started diving in 2, .5, .025.... and on and on, and the division is infinite. The goal can never be reached. You get stuck in a time warp which is totally logical and forces you to redefine time. Another one was a video of a car, you looking out the front seat onto the road. The question was to Palestinians, if you had one hour of driving, uninterrupted by police, bombing, check stations, alternate routes, destruction etc., what music would you listen to? The film was driving througha 2 lane highway, totally alone, on a west Texas highway. You then put on earphones and could listen to all of the different tunes people had chosen, everything from Jimmy Hendrix, Born Free, to traditional Palestinian singers. Wow. Now THAT was way more enjoyable to all of us than having the tube as a sitter. I should know...food numbed me just as this TV and games can numb them. Will it progress to food, alcohol, drugs? I don't know, but I, as a parent, can show them there are alternatives. That life, and thinking, is good, fun and fulfilling. Community service, physical activity, academic excellence, not the top, but good, not rote but reasoning in a global world, enjoying life, finding a form of expression. Do I ask to much for them to have a fun, enriched, full life? It's not because I have a new zest for life, which I do. I was raised this way and I am so thankful for it. I couldn't have lived overseas, been a global mktg mgr and had my own business as a white woman is Asia had I not been exposed. They admit themselves they get bored with the other stuff. So I told them, two choices. Practice decent behavior in the venue you visit, or we will visit venues that fit your behavior. There are plenty of McDonald's play mazes throughout the country. The choice is theirs. But I can't do it alone. I haven't been the greatest parent in the past, don't expect to "make up" for it, but can live my life well enough to set an example from here on out, blemishes and all. Know where I'm coming from? Vicki

Your kids are very lucky. You obviously are a great mom. They are just being kids. I am not sure but I suspect being addicts we have less tolerance. You know that life on lifes terms stuff. I know it gets under my skin FAST! I had some real work to do communicating with my husband and getting as close to being on the same page as possible. Finally I said to him. I do not care if you agree with me but in front of the kids you will not disagree. We can tell them we will discuss it and decide togther. Even if that means I decide how to handle it and he says fine. If he disagrees we have to figure something else out. It is not easy but I refuse to send mixed signals. I think that is worse. It erodes my marriage as well as sends a message that there are no real boundries to the kids. Just my story. It has helped us all be closer and clearer. Laurie