ADVICE....has anyone gone through a separation?

Im doing all the right things today, I think Im not sure how to go about being separated....getting my own place (with no money) and keeping myself together............ Im not drinking, I know that for a fact.............I need to be clear headed for all this to happen.... Yes we fight with fists and I do it as much as he does......but of course hes stronger and I end up with the hurts...... anyway this is the last straw.............we hate each other and its horrible for the kids to feel and sometimes see................... Should I call a lawyer? How do I pay for anything? Im a stay at home mom with NO MONEY, NO FAMILY AND few friends.............. any advice would be much appreciated!!! thankyou!! ~Bethany

My seperation 8 yrs ago was a bit easier - he was in jail and I changed the locks and begged my daddy for the money for an attorney. There was never physical abuse involved - just crazy addiction and mental illness. I do know a few women who have been in your position however, and can offer some advice I learned second hand. I'm not sure how it works in YOUR area, but in my local phone book there are "blue pages" with community service and govt numbers. There is a women's crisis hotline in there. I suggest you begin with a call to them. You can also call your local dept of family and children svcs and ask them to point you towards resources. Some of these resources will help you with legal issues. They can also help you with counseling (based on income - if you have none - well there's no charge). Be 100% honest about everything - the drinking, the violence - everything - it's the only way they can help you. Once you *do* leave, you can apply for assistance (foodstamps, AFDC, Medicaid, Child Care Subsidies so you can work) from DFCS. Sometimes, even going to a shelter is enough to get the help you need - although it's scary and probably something you'd be adverse to doing. This process will be a total pain in the ass - prepare yourself for that and don't give up! One thing is for certain. You have to end this cycle - you are teaching your kids that violence and addiction is how to cope. I'm not scolding you at all - cuz I'm in the same boat. I *can* say however, that with each sober day, I'm realizing mroe and more what I am TEACHING my kids. Use them as your motivation and strength. Update your resume. You need to understand that continuing with the physical dysfunction can result in you LOSING your kids. You are putting them in danger with the drinking and fighting. I know you know this and I know how it must make you feel - been there and DONE that. Now - forgive yourself, give yourself credit for trying to fix it and take some positive action to start turning things around. It's NOT too late at this point, and I have faith you can do this. I'm glad you are thinking clearly. I pray you find the strength not to drink. You can call on me anytime if you need me. I've been thinking of you and sending you strength vibes. You are WORTH BETTER. Your kids are too. Ask for help - keep asking - everybody and anybody you can. It will not get better if you keep shutting it off with wine. It will not get better if you take no action at all. This is the SCARY part - the reaching out and saying "OK, I cannot do this alone and I'm lost - please help me!" God that's the scariest part of all! Email me, call me (email and I'll give you teh digits) and keep posting here to let us know how you're doing. I'm sure I'm not the only one who totally knows what you are feeling right now! Sending LOVE STRENGTH and HOPE, m

Michelle, I cannot begin to tell you how impressed I am with you. You have so much to offer.Thank you for being here. Laurie

*big hugs* A wise perosn once told me that one of the the best ways to heal ourselves is to offer back that which we CAN to others. I have to tow the line of NOT being codependant, but I literally ache for other people when I know exactly how they feel. I'm very glad to have you here as well - it took so long for me to just open up and spew out what I was feeling, but after lurking so long and realizing that even epople whom I respect - they still have PROBLEMS! wow! That is an epiphany! We're all in this together and I'm very glad we are. I do agree with your post today about not just finding support in cyberspace alone. I'm working on that one - lots of work to be done still, and I know that I'm going to need support if I'm going to STAY ok. Boy those "one minute at a time" days are rough! Sending love and much gratitude! m

Thankyou Michelle!!! Ive started looking for a lawyer and I posted on the CT OH board for help in finding a therapist.......... Im so SCARED to leave and be on my own.............BUT even when we are sober we are not husband/wife we are roomates who dont even really like each other.... He is an alcoholic too, got his 3rd DWI last OCT....is finishing his community serive this Sat..............Ive been through so much ****he cheated before my WLS and it continued and who even knows if it still is.......... I love my house, but I want my OWN place...........we dont even take care of our house cuz we are either drinking or fighting...and its ALWAYS tit for tat ......DOES THAT MAKES SENSE? "you did this" "well YOU did this!!" blah blah blah......... on top of all this I cant find my phone!!!!! ugh it got tossed around in the fight, with "IM CALLING THE COPS" NO, IM CALLING THE COPS" then the phone got smashed................ this is ridiculous!!!! But Im ok at this minute...working on finding the phone....I want to find a therapist ASAP.............. thanks for being here Michelle Bethany

Bethany, We all hopefully come to the point when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is different for each of us. I pray you keep up the strength to stay clear headed. Michelle is correct in her advice. Every community has resources for help. It is up to you to place the calls, be honest and follow thru. Here we have a domestic violence shelter, a crisis line and a community resource center as well as HRS. All of those centers can plug someone into the system to start the process. You may have times when it is I am sober in this minute, hour, day. Thats normal. Just do it and they add up. Staying in this situation has a high price and you know this. I am not being critical or trying to tell you something you already know but rather validating what you feel. You are right. This is dangerous in every way. About 3 yr ago I was working at the Health Dept and a patient shared her feelings about the violent relationship she had with her husband. I gave her some info, notified the nurse practicioner who was seeing her, they shared about it and I never saw her again until one day a yr later a woman came in for birth control said you do not remember me but you saved my life. It was the same woman. She looked like a million bucks! Her family was violent and gave her no support. However she took our advise and got help. It was one of the most wonderful moments of a 28 yr career. I know you can find your way. There is help and support. I am here to listen or use for a sounding board anytime. Truelly supportive. Laurie

Me too it is now 6:45pm. Deciding if I have the energy to get my butt to a meeting. Probably should. I have been dragging my ass all day. Woke up dizzy. Need fluids and food just no appetite since my bratwurst experience. Hope you found the phone and followed thru. Hugs, Laurie

Almost 5 pm EST. You hanging in there? I was thinking about you - just wanted to let you know. hugs, m