just sharing

Hello all! I posted maybe 2 times before. I just thought I'd update. Well, I was on a 10 month bender last year(literally drinking everyday...some mornings cause i couldn't stop shaking) and ended up in AA (which was good at the time). I'm 23 and moved to IL in Jan to attend school. I ended up in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer, had 2 blood transfusions and went back 2 times since then (more bleeding). The thing is, I still keep on drinking...you would think almost dieing would make me stop. uuuggghhh. I just keep thinking...what's wrong with me?! I went to a couple of AA meetings here...I had a really bad experience in NY (I thought people were trying to help me...turns out there was a bet on who could sleep with me first) So I'm kind of skeptical now...i do like the womens meetings though. But what I always talk about is how I don't have a higher power. I mean...my whole life I've tried to believe...but I just don't. Please don't bash me...it's just the truth. Anyways, I just feel lost and don't want to go back to the hospital. Just blabbing...not sure what I'm getting out of this...but I lie to everyone all the time and feel better venting. Christine

Christine, the first time I posted here I felt the same way like people were going to bash me or tell me to go get help, even though I already know I need help..........BUT..what Im trying to say is that this board is so safe to vent anything.........we all know what we are going through and we all offer support and kind thoughts, some of us are sober and fighting to stay that way everyday and some of us are not sober and dont know which way to go. (me) I come here to share and I enjoy hearing other peoples experiences, what they went through or ARE going through......... I hope this is making sense. I drink at least every other day...............I cant stop either....its wine and I try drinking beer, but beer does nothing for me and I just always go back to wine..my husband had to drive me home last night from a birthday party. ughhhh everyday is a challange for me.............. I hope to hear more from you~ ~Bethany

Hi Christine! I so totally know what you are saying about the higher power. I was raised in the church, but somewhere along the way I either became disillusioned and felt like I'd been conned, or something drove me to feel it was all futile. I have recently been diagnosed with three ulcers myself, which helped me to put down the cigs, the booze and the mj. I had no idea how BAD I'd gotten until I experienced how awfully DIFFICULT that was! Of course the "intervention" performed by my two (former??) best friends really was a humiliating experience also which resonates painfully each and every hour of each and every day. I'm not drinking/smoking/using currently but every single day I *WANT TO*. Hell at least once an hour - I want to do something - anything to change the way I feel. I just feel that *zing* of emotion and anxiety and I'd do almost anything to shut it up. My doctor gave me some xanax to help with that, although I find it kind of ironic that she'd give a compulsive "name your vice here"-er a substance that I could possibly abuse. To her credit, she only gave me 1/2 mg tabs and only enough to "tide me over" Until my psych appt on the 19th. So hey even if in DIRE STRAITS, I couldn't OD and kill myself with it or anything. (I say that tongue in cheek, but I KNOW you KNOW what I'm saying). I've been consuming paperback novels like popcorn because that's the only time I don't want to shove something into my mouth to shut up the voices. You don't have to lie here - that's one thing I've recently discovered. Hell even if you did, we'd know it anyway cuz we've all told the same lies. I wish I knew how many times I tried to make a hangover out to be a stomach bug or a migraine. I also am VERY familiar with that lost and isolated feeling. It seems that when I'm at my worst emotionally, that I really wish I had somebody I coudl call. You can call, email or IM me anytime day or night (I use yahoo and msn - email me and I'll give you the screennames). Sometimes that's all it takes to get thru that moment of turmoil. Sometimes the days are LONG LONG LONG (as in I count off each minute that I'm choosing not to drink). We all know this. So anyhow - glad you posted - and don't feel like we'd bash you in any way. It simply won't happen here. Big hugs! Love, m

thank you Bethany... It does help just to know you're not alone. I'm in a battle...i know i have a problem...I just havn't found a way to fix or control it. The thing is I like to drink alone...just like when i used to binge eat...I'm having a hard time copeing with everything. i mean, I think I like to just black out and not have to deal with anything...but I know it's a part of growing up..I'm just lost...lost

thank you for replying Michelle, I just don't know where to turn...I mean... the times I try to explain it to family, friends...blahblah... they just don't get it...I'm so tired...just tired. congrats to you on your sobriety! Sometimes I think..."am I trying to kill myself?!!" cause that's what I'm doing...am I avoiding the withdrawl?...maybe... arrrgggg. thanks for listening/caring. chrisitne PS...I think I'm REAALLY sick of f ing being "hot" and being hit on all the time...I'm very angry...I'm still the same person. grrrrrrrr 330/175/???? 5'11

Christine, I am so sorry you had that experience with AA. Predatory behavior in a fellowship is so awful and our fellowship is very aware and frankly altho it happens it is something we call an offender out on privately and we do not make it comfortable. Newcomers ARE the most important people at meetings and they come for help. Not dates. Higher power. Well, lots of folks struggle with it. In NA we do not have as much christian emphasis. Higher power"God" is the God of your understanding. We do not use the Lords Prayer. Personally I go with positive/ negative energy. Call it God/ Devil. Whatever. I think positive attracts positive. When I invite negative it gets a hold on me. Do I believe the sun will rise in the am? Yes. Can I control that? no Well, then there is something more powerful than me that I cannot control. There are a lot of ways to get and stay clean or sober. 12 steps is one way. There are all kinds of groups and they have different personalities. A young cute girl is going to attract attention. That is just the world. How you deal with it is up to you.There is good reason that it is recomended that someone not start a new romantic relationship during the first yr. there is a reason it is recommended women stick with the women. I hope you find a way or it is going to kill you. No one HAS to die from addiction but many do. Many hugs, Laurie