I was O****il...

I whisked my two younger kids off to the beach for the weekend. We had a VERY good time, and I behaved. I'll admit it was hard! Habitually, that's when I want an icy cold beer the MOST - when I'm around sun and water. But again I behaved. I won't say I wasn't tempted. I almost stopped 3-4 times to stock my cooler and talked myself out of it. Then at supper out last night... again, almost just ordered a ****tail like always before I CAUGHT myself. So I'm proud of that. Well I got home, and the *first* thing I laid eyes on was a stack of my oldest son's laundry that I had folded and put in a basket for him to come get on Friday. I didn't even realize that it had affected me until 10 minutes later when I was in teh throes of a full blown anxiety attack. I'm talking, trembling, racing heart, hot flashes, woozy, thought I would die anxiety attack. I tried to communicate to my sweetie how I was feeling, but obviously I interrupted the blessed WORLD CUP (forgive me father for I have sinned), and was ignored. It finally passed, and you know what I did? I went shopping! Ok, now that was just stupid. I mean - I didn't write bad checks or anything, and I only got a few things I didn't necessarily NEED, but I do know that I did it as a means of making myself feel better. That is dangerous. Why do I need to do things like that to FEEL BETTER? Why the hell can't I just be OK? I'm irrationally angry at my bf. I don't feel like he supports me at all. First he tells me that I need to open up more to him, but when I do open up, I get a *LOT* of defensiveness and attitude from him - almost like I'm putting him out by expecting any kind of emotional support from him. I'm sitting here crying and I'm NOT EVEN SURE WHY other than I just hate my life, hate my neediness, hate the voices in my head and most of all hate what has happened between me and my son. It all just comes flooding back. There's no magic pill, psych appointment, drink, elixer, purchase, action. There is NOTHING that will make me NOT feel this way, and I hate that. I actually considered saying "screw it why bother" a little while ago, but thank God the Bible Belt (can't purchase spirits on Sunday here) saved me. Then I felt guilty for having that thought. Sigh - I know I'm very tired from my trip - lots of activity, too little sleep. I am going to read for a little while and take a nap. Then I think I might get myself to a meeting. I've gone 8 full days now without substances of any kind. I think I might have been a bit ambitious to give up beer, weed and cigs all at once. The xanax isn't taking the edge off anymore, and I refuse to abuse that either - sooooo. I just wanted to verbalize my thoughts to somebody since the man who supposedly LOVES me doesn't really want to be bothered with them. Hugs, m ps: I'm not as mauldlin as I sound - but those *ARE* my true thoughts.

hang in there girl girl...I'm right with you Christine

Michelle, Welcome to the world of allowing ourself to have feelings and dealing with them. It DOES get easier. The feelings do not go away when we medicate them they just fester so congratulations!!!! Our loved ones do not know how to deal with us. Remember there are a lot of changes going on inside of you that they cannot see or understand. I strongly encourage you to take in a meeting tonight. Go with an open mind and listen to the similarities. That is the best advice I can offer. Eight days is a wonderful start! All hell has been breaking loose and still you had the strength and willingness to keep going one day at a time. For now thats a lot. All is well here on the home front. It is hot as hell! Had a small cook out last night with some floks from NA. My husband is so wonderful he welcomes my friends with open arms and always makes them welcome in our home. Admittedly some of them have issues but he is so impressed with the fact that they are doing something about it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, laurie

Thanks Laurie Yeah - that's the thing - these FEELINGS. I'm not used to actually dealing with them, and they are quite overwhelming. And I have this irrational fear that my sweetie is going to start thinking I'm psycho. LOL In a way I *am*! What he always perceived as strength in me was just a good cover or numbing of what I was feeling. Now I feel like I'm one big open wound, and I KNOW I'm frightening him a bit. He feels totally helpless and clueless as to what I expect or need from him. He's always been attracted to my strength and this is not what he's expecting from me. We talked a little while tonight but didn't TALK talk, if you know what I mean. He's not good at that - it's like pulling teeth. I also had a very honest and enlightening conversation with my father tonight. I *really* needed to hear what he had to say. He's very proud of me for dealing with my "devil on the shoulder" and told me that he understands and is impressed cuz he's never been able to ditch his. He had some encouraging words regarding my son too - apologized for saying it was my fault the other night. He said however that my son reminds him so much of me taht it just brought back all the pain and anger I caused HIM at that age. Believe me, he nailed that one - I was exactly like my son, only instead of acting out in anger towards others, I internalized it (although I still ran away at 17 and didn't talk to my parents for almost 2 yrs). The nap did help, and afterwards, I took myself and the kids out to Golden Corral for the buffet. I was so proud of my daughter who ate a plate of fruit then some veggies (this is the PICKY child). My son did well too - healthy choices. The beach really did wonders for their appetites. I get kind of irritated at people who whine about wanting to use their WLS cards at buffets - I dont' care if I don't get my money's worth - to me it's worth it just to have 1-2 bites of so many different things! I too was on a veggie kick tonight - had some roasted turkey and one brussel sprout, a few greens, bite of cauliflower, little bit of salad and one flower of broccoli. Topped off with two bites of a roll and some watermelon I was in post wls heaven ;) Who would have ever thought that I coudl be THAT happy from a nice choice of veggies?? So back to the grind tomorrow. I'm firghtened. I have things I must deal with and I'm afraid of breaking down. BUT 8 days - I'm very proud of me. I pray I can continue. I'm one of the most stubborn people I know, but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do this via sheer will power - just like I couldn't diet and lose weight using that means. haha as usual, I've written a book. Yanno - I should start journaling during this phase of my life - it seems I have so much to say that I never let out...and it comes spewing like a geyser! Love ya! M

Dealing with it is so cool. You have all ready given yourself a reason to have some better self esteem. As for your bf. Expect him to be a bit confused and uncomfortable. Keep the lines of communication open. Did you catch a meeting? Guess not or you would have said so. Well Monday is a new day. I am with you about the card thing. I just eat what I want and haave a good time. I do have tons of to go boxes!!! LoL. I do not go to buffet so much but occassionally and like you said the variety is fun. I cannot eat well today after my run in with a bratwurst. I have spent a lot of time cleaning and reorganizing my daughters room. She needed to redo after the bf breakup. She is thrilled she can really find things. My cloest is next!!! Laurie

hI Michelle, Im reading your post, and even though we are having differnt issues right now I still feel the same...........I HATE MY LIFE...................and dont know what to do....I envy that you are sober right now and I wish I was but Im sooooooooo upset and dont know how to deal.......I have not opened up about the husband here and prob should but for now just know Im here and listening to you and hope we can both find strenght to move forward xoxoxo me

Bethany, It will not get better if you are drinking. Hate to sound harsh but that is the way it is and I will not pretend. I say this out of love. I hate it for you that you are in pain but honestly it will only get worse. Eventually it leads to jails, institutions and death. Or, you find a new way. Do you think you can control the violence? I am fearful for you. hugs, laurie