very desperate - Ok, God, this is NOT funny

OH MY GOD Day four of complete substance abstinance... they say timing is everything... my 15 year old just totally turned my whole world upside down. He's gotten a litle balsy lately - missing curfew - staying all night at his buddys' houses without my permission etc. Smarting off. Well today - after he did NOT come home (he called me at 9 and told me he was on his way), I went to retrieve him at his friend's house and "ruin his plans". Well his room is a mess and I'd been on him to clean it and I'd had enough - last time I checked, I was the mother here. So I bring him home and inform him there will be NO tv, no pc, no xbox no anything until his room is done. I also informed him taht he was grounded for two weeks for not coming home last night. I didn't YELL any of this, I said it matter of factly and explained him how he'd abused my trust in him. I go upstairs for a minute and return and there he sits at the pc. I point out what I told him earlier and remind him no p****il his room is clean. He argues, I put my foot down, and he straight up **LOST HIS MIND** He RUINED his pc (one that used to be mine and cost me about 1500 bucks to build), he threw a 6 foot speaker at the wall and damaged the wall, he threw the monitor, threw a shelf with books at ME! (I'm not convinced he didn't fracture or bruise a rib). Screamed and hollerd and DESTROYED his room then said "fuck you ***** I'm leaving" I replied (believe it or not still somewhat calmly, "Um no you are not leaving I told you that you are grounded). He shoved me. I stood my ground. Well now that I weigh only 121 lbs, he easily picked me up right around the center and slung me out of the way and left. I am absolutely hysterical. Y'all they didn't give me enough xanax for this crap. THIS IS NOT THE WEEK TO DO THIS TO ME! I have no idea how to deal. I was a good girl and did take one of my xanax but i'm still completely inconsobable. I'm losing my mind - hell lost my mind. OMG I can't take this right now. I have never wanted a drink so bad in my ENTIRE LIFE and I know I can't have one and DAMMIT it's probably all MY fault that he is so angry and resentful to me. I can't let my baby come home if he is going to behave like that. He can't think that he got away with it and it's ok. What do I do? Do I report him to the police? I can't really lock him out or I"m abandoning him, but I can't have him in my house that loose a cannon. Hell in the car on the way home he was actually PINCHING my dog to make him cry and upset me. WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO MY BABY? If he does come home it's dr Laura style - I've already thrown out everything else in his room but for his bed and dresser. I can't have him damaging property like that. Maybe he needs a rubber room? I feel like I should call the police because I do NOT want him home with two younger kids and him acting like that. Hell I don't want him in my house if he thinks he can hit me. I've never taken it from a man and I be dammed if I will take it from a punk kid - mine or not! I just can't deal y'all honestly - I'm on the edge of some crazy thoughts and I don't know what to do and thank god they only gave me 10 xanax and they're lo dose. I've only taken one but i want them ALL aughghghghg I have a friend who took my two younger kids for the night before all this happened, so thank god they didn't see any of it. Y'all - I'm trying - honest to God I'm trying. I called somebody to come sit with me for a while so I don't do anything stupid. I don't WANT to, but I can't stand the guilt going thru my mind right now and the anger at my son and the horrible knowledge that things might NEVER be right with us. He's not my son anymore - he can't be with me - I can't trust him, and I may have lost him for good. This is the first time one of my kids have tried to hurt me. AND IT HURTS TO BREATH WHERE MY RIB WAS HURT. I think it's a bruise - it's not terribly swollen or bruised just a little raised. If there is a God up there will you please ask him/her to keep me from coming unglued... I don't know where my kids will end up if I go to the hospital. This is almost more than I can bear right now it's going to be a long night. I could take an ambien and sleep but somehow I feel I have to make a decision regarding the police tonight before I just lock the door. m

Oh Michelle! I have a very good friend going thru this very thing. They did call the police and it was the hardest thing they had to do. Obviously he needs help. This is one very angry boy. I do not know what to say. You have a hard decision. Is his father involved in his life? I do not have any experience as a single parent. My boys would never pull that with their dad. I am not sure given enough anger and no dad around if that would still be true. Bottom line he needs counceling.Regardless if you involve the authorities. Do you think it is possible he is abusing anything like drugs or alcohol? He is certainly at that age. Is there a strong authority figure who can help you? Call your therapist get a referral asap. If you have decided to involve the police that will get the ball rolling but you will still have to deal with him. I wish I had logged on earlier. I am very concerned about you. Just remember you have to be sober to deal with him. You cannot afford to be impaired for both of your sakes. Keeping you all in my prayers! Laurie

Michelle, I just read your post on the mainboard and I am so glad you found people to support you. I understand the dad thing now. I would not be surprised if your son is not reacting to that too. I am glad you took your meds and are waiting for morning and a talk with someone you trust. Motherhood is a higher calling. You can do this but not without help. What kind of help is a big decision. Call the therapist ot pcp and tell them how things have escalated. Maybe you can get an emergency appt for you and your son? Maybe he needs to be evaluated? I did not realize it was you who had the altercation in the neigborhood and the son staying out late. I had a lot of problems with my oldest for a few yrs. I was tortured and in active addiction at the time. Fortunately it never got violent and as I said he would never pull it on his dad. I believe you will all get thru this because it is obvious in your posts and in your current efforts to stay sober you want it to be better and are willing to do whatever it takes for you and your family. Michelle find a meeting. It will not solve your situation but you will find others who understand how you are feeling. It costs an hour of your time. I am truelly concerned and have you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Laur

looking for a mtg now I still have no idea what to do but I'm certain that whatever it is - it's going to be the wrong thing. STILL NOT DRINKING THOUGH! I refuse to let the devil torment me like this. (it's easier to pretned there's a little horned f&&&er trying to get me than to believe it's ME trying to get me) sigh This is going to be a long day/week/life. I hate being alone. m

You have mail!!!! Laurie