Do you hear voices?

And no I don't mean that scizophrenic kind, but the voice of constant worry,anxiety, self-deprecating talk.. those kinds of voices. I do. The voices are what I've been trying to shut up all my life. I've done it with food, with alcohol, with spending, with drugs, hell even tobacco - all things to "DO" that distract myself from the horrible voices that tell me what a piece of crap I am. I was reading an article about people who cut/injure themselves in much a similar way that an addict uses. They do it because for a moment, the pain of what they have done drowns out the intense anger and frustration they are feeling. That was kind of a "bingo" moment for me. I didn't get fat because of a glandular problem. I got fat cuz there is a monster in my brain that wants me to hate myself. I'm not doing that great today - the voices are really loud and right now they are telling me I've really made a huge mess of things.... I want to tell the voices to go to hell, but I have no idea how to do that in a way that is NOT self-destructive. My two best friends are through with me. They've had enough, and for some reason feel the need to keep telling me, even AFTER I've taken steps to address my problems. My boyfriend has no idea how bad it's gotten (the benefit of him livign 2 hours away) and I frankly don't trust him enough to tell him. He'd probably leave me too - everybody eventually does. How's that for sad. God I sound pitiful. So here I sit typing to random strangers on the mb - absolutely beside myself with anxiety and pain. Without pain there is no healing right? For at least THIS hour, I'm not going to do anything stupid. By the end of the day however, I very well may go check myself in somewhere. I feel like I'm losing my mind. m

Well I made it thru the last hour On to the second.... I think I'm going to go in a few mins to see my pcp or a doc-in-the box for some anxiety meds - i have a psych appt 6/19 but don't think I'm going to make it until then without doing something stupid or checking myself in somewhere. I know the meds take a week or two to kick in so if I wait, I have at least a month before I feel any relief from this damn mind numbing anxiety........ I can't wait that long. haha I'll keep myself busy for a while and check back in.. This could be my "diary of ONE day" BAH! m

2 hours~! I am feeling better than when I awoke..... 10 hours till bedtime....

I here Michelle!!!!! Im going to write another post hold on>>>>>>>

Michelle, you and I are feeling the SAME WAY right now!!!!!!!!! and what a nasty day it is.being 06/06/06 A DEVIL DAY and the DEVIL has me in his grips for sure!!! I bought a big bottle of wine last night and drank half, my husband came home late and I was soooooooo mad...........we fought, really really fought and he left....I cried and cried and thought of taking my pills or just anything to get out of my head............ I kept telling my self, that my whole life its just been "me and my head" does this make sense............I have been talking tomy self my whole life......your fat, no one likes you, your ugly, your stupoid, your lazy, NO ONE LIKES YOU.............. food would shut the vioces up, or drugs BUT NOW its WINE WINE WINE...........but after 5-6 glasses the voices come back LOUDER tellingme Im "stupid drunk" skinny drunk and STILL NO ONE LIKES YOU............... I sound crazy right now dont I??? I too have lost ALL MY FRIENDS, my sister (who was my best friend) My mother, my father, and Im afraid tolose my husband and my kids.....and I KNOW it will happen, any day it will happen.............last night I sobbed to Jesus, telling him that I dont know what to do anymore and to please please help me....................I felt better immdeitly after,and this morning poured 2 bottles of wine down the drain and threw a box of it away.................I gave my husband his 12 pk and said "get rid of it" so here I am at noon time, just reading quietly on the couch so that my HEAD WILL SHUT UP, and READ words........someone elses words.............. Michelle, im so glad your here Lets getthrough this day 1 hour at a time.............. ~Bethany

Ladies, I have been there. Not using is the first and mandatory requirement but if you want that committee in your brain to shut up you have to find a way to deal with your feelings. New ways. Michelle you have mail. Bethany, you are no alone. Rach out for help. I have to go and chair a NA meeting or I will be late and another recovering addict looking for a meeting will be left alone so I cannot take time now to respond here but know I am thinking of you. Hugs, laurie

thank you for being here too! I'm supposed to be working but I can't concentrate... so if I dont' get my crap together soon, I might jepordize my job also... sigh and I'm LETTING MYSELF DO IT! grrr I can't control me. don't like that... and i'm about to burst with energy and anxiety right now. I'm goign to go to Kroger for a little while - that should kill an hour. BIG HUGS - thank you for knowing what is in my head right now... thank you so much.

Boy, do i feel like i belong here in this circle. I have never been as good as everyone else......or so i think. I know i am, or wish i knew i was. But it's an everyday fight just to feel good enough. I care about you guys and i don't even know you. But i know that we all deserve love even when we drive those who do love us away. Great thing about MB is you can't ever "really, really " know someone and i don't think it possible to drive people away so easily. Safety behind the keys. Okay enough of my rambling. FOOD like wine like candy is an addiction. Melinda

Its almost 4pm..........my "itching hour" Im already plotting in my mind on having a drink.............. BUT Im here typing to you guys..reading my book, reheating my lunch, sipping icetea AND TELLING THE "COMMITTIE" TO SHUT THE FRICK UP!!!!! I dont want to have a drink today, I want to feel great tomorrow morning when I have to take my kids to the park...............I want to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed.............. Oh I hope I can make it............. Im thiankful for all you guys..........your right, we can pusg each other away here huh? ThankGoodness for that~ ~Bethany

How ya doin over there? It's 4 1/2 hours until bedtime! I just returned from a trip to my doctor. I can't get in to see the psych until 6/19 and I was certain I was going to melt into a puddle before then or start drinking again. She gave me some xanax to calm me down and ambien to help with sleep (enough to get me thru until 6/19 at least). I'm not sure it's a good idea to take the xanax to be honest. I KNOW it will help my nerves, but aren't I supposed to be dealing without substances? At least she didn't give me enough to do a lot of damage. How's that itching goin? Mine was so bad that I gave my credit cards and cash and car keys to my son and instructed him to hide them until tomorrow. I didn't tell him why, and he didn't ask. This too shall pass hope you're hanging in there Do you have yahoo or msn? I'm available most all the time since I work here at the pc and would love to chat sometime! hugs, m