Total beakdown

I did NOT handle yesterday well at all! First off, doc had proscribed Toprol for a slight tremor I have, which is heredity and doesn't get worse. In retrpospect I could have lived with it but always felt self-conscious of it at AA meetings when my coffee cup would tremble and people would comment (sick vanity huh?) Anyway I took the toprol for three days an started getiing horrible sweats, chest pain, rash across my chest, acidic stomach, dizziness, dry mouth. I went to the pharamacist to see if I was having a drug interaction, but it was the toprol itself which had all of these side effects. Add that in addition to being in the deep throes of menoupause and the pain of my previous surgery. At one point last night I feared I was having a heart attack when the pain spread up my neck and down my arm. I immediately took an aspirin, laid down, and did some bio-feedback. It seemed to settle down, but I packed for the hospital just in case. SCARRY!!!!!! As muched as I abuse myself with alcohol, it never did to me what these three doses of doc prescribed meds did to me. All of this time the kids are here, taking turns on the computer so long as they didn't fight. Gordo asked me if he could sign up for a tennis tournament and I agreed and handed over the Visa. Then I asked what they wanted for dinner and they wanted Salsaritos, $6 a pop burrito place. No problem. Zoe's turn on the computer and I ask Gordo to take the phone back downstairs. He argued back that he wan't going downstaris, I immmediately showed him my bedroom floor where he left his cd, mp3 and a screwdriver and told in to pick them up and put them away. He bent over a kicked me. I was furius! He screamed at me it was an accident (no, oh, I'm sorry Mom, I didn't mean it) and then starts arguing because I told him to pick up of his stuff and go to his room until he had a better attitude. He taled backed to me yelling the whole time and pretty soon I was yelling at him too. When he finally got to his room, he callled me a b and said to f of. I was shocked!! I told him if he thought he could cuss out his mother and kick her, he was staying in his room and he could forget about his burrito...plenty of fruit and hot pockets to eat in the house. He threatened to call the police for child abuse. So I gave him the phone and shut his door. AAAAArgh! This is an IB student, popular, goood sportmanship, but this dispespect it unacceptable. I know a lot of it was learned from Dad because each time we have a disagreement, right or worng, it always degenrates into- well you're an alcoholic! Look at all of those years I had to live with your drinking. Thereby invalidating any input I could possibly contribute. 12 years in AA, 2 relapses and it is still his trump. card. Not to mention, Zoe is totally hormonal and was sobbing because she missed being placed in Algebra by one point. All she has to do is some summer work, but in all of the drama a of a preteen, she had to milk the drama for all of it was worth! Now because Gordo is on restriction, we all can't go to the pool this afternoon or the movied tomorrow because I can not trust him alone in the house. Hubb? He wants no part of it...he's had a hard day at work, goes into another room turns on the TV and reads the paper. If I ask him to help, he says he has to find out the true story firs, but needs to rest. Discounting me as a parent again! Later when I felt I was having a heat attack, he wouldn't come take my pulse. I was sweating bulllets. I had to go search for aspirin, pack for a hospital trip just in case and then would had to drive myself. Don't you know he dismissed me as being dramatic And I was in real pain and scared to death! Obviously things are going to have to change. I have already this morning put in a call to a pschiatrist who specializes in addiction so we can set up a game plan. Family counseling plus parenting skills. I know my part in it. The big book tells us how our drinking/eating/drugging effects the whole family. But at least I have over a decade under my belt and know where to go to find the help our family needs.. Nobody said being sober would be smooth sailing, yet despite all of this it IS STILL better than drinking. Like my sponsor says, if a few drinks will solve the problem, go ahead. Ana AA has taught me to take one day at a time, take care of my side of the street and this, too shall pass. I don't have to throw a fit, pack my bags and drown myself in vodka. There is a solution. Vicki

Vicki, As always you are an inspiration. You express the everyday frustrations we all deal with and sobriety's part. I too have smart, really good kids but yes they are teens and young adults. My family became used to my acting out and manipulation while using. Sometimes that makes it hard because I do not feel I get the reaction I deserve for the changes I have made in my life and responses. I also see reflections of my behavior in my kids. My kids are older than yours and my husband does not verbally attack me for my addiction. I am grateful for that but I know after all these years why he tunes me out at times. He gets quiet and irritable. My kids, especially the younger two verbally get in my face often. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to deal with somedays. The old me would go balistic! I still do occassionally. I have to really do the old count to 10 and respond instead of react. Sounds to me like you have a good plan because these next few years will be a challenge. Teens and husbands and menapause are a volitile mix. I speak from experience!!!!!! Thanks for sharing. Laurie