Laurie P & Linda B...& anyone else seekin' recovery...update...

Just wanted to update, briefly, if at all possible !?! It seems like "ages" since I've posted last...Laurie, you were preparing to go on your vacation! HOPE YOU HAD A blast!!!! (I'm sure you did, sorry I haven't back tracked on previous posts since I just signed on tonight). Anywho, a LOT has happened in the last few months...thinkin I finally "hit bottom" so to speak! I've been so ASHAMED!!! However, on a positive note I finally DID go to two AA meetings, in one week, two weeks ago! That is huge, Laurie you esp know!!! Than, two gals from AA, never meet before...(long story) came to my house...cuz' they said that's what they do!!!! Stayed for 2 1/2 hours!!! Found lots of support, acceptance, understanding ect...heard their stories/and mine to them! However, I STILL got f#cked up afterwards, passed out on my living floor with ONLY a t-shirt and undies on!!! Living room lights on, no blankets on me, TV on ect! Hubby woke up in the middle of the to pee...never woke me! He just shut the TV off and let me lay there!!! He confronted me the next morning...P#ssed off ect! I got defensive, of course! HOWEVER, I do NOT REMEMBER much of the nights events prior to me "passing out" Which is NOT a rare occurance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So much has happened prior to this! I wound up in the ER tonight, related to alcohol abuse, poor nutrition..ect! I asked for OUTPATIENT TREATMENT centers info...(just started a new job three weeks ago...fulltime (two young kidlets at home). I've ONLY been able to go to two meetings since I FINALLY admitted how bad it has gotten to hubby and my mom, dad, and sister!!! (My immediate family suspected for a long time, confronted me numerous times, which I always denied...they knew better...so they weren't surprised)! However, hubby really isn't supporting me!!! Says he'll do anything...yet his actions speak louder than his words!!! I have been UNABLE to stop DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!! Even, with this new job, I'm still drinking until I pass out...wake up...sometimes still buzzed and try to sober up before I have to leave in the morning!!!!! I don't want to F#ck UP this job!!!! State job, good $$$, benefits, days during the week, full time ect!!! Yet, I've been SO lucky in the past! Never got a DWI, when I should have, called in a lot at my previous job ( was to drunk to go in or didn't have enough time to sober up before my commute...got really creative with excuses). Gosh, I could go on and on with everything...as I know it's gotten WAY WORSE since surgery!!! Replacing one addiction with another!!! Right now, I've got the ultimatium...drink again and your out, per hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's trying to justify ALL of our problems on my abuse! However, HE HAS NEVER CONFRONTED ME, AND I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT HE HAD NO CLUE....AS HE IS NEVER HOME...KIDS ARE SLEEPIN...I ISOLATE MYSELF...BRIEF SMALL TALK...HE GOES TO BED...AND THAN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE...I DRIN****IL I PASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Ashamed to admit all of this, yet it does feel good to be HONEST FOR A CHANGE!!!!!!!!!! I'm grateful those two gals took precious time out of their schedules to meet with me last Fri., I did get a lot out of it...however I've been drinking every late afternoon/night since!!! (Even though I have to get up at 5:15 am every day with this new job)!!!!!!!!!!!! That's when the HEAD LIGHTS CAME ON FOR ME....KNOWING I HAVE TO GET UP AT 5AM, get ready, get kids ready, drive them two daycare...and STILL get to work in time!!!!!!! WOW, this got REAL lengthly!!!! SORRY! Started typin and couldn't stop!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO HAVE A QUESTION THAT I NEED HONEST ADVICE ABOUT!!!!! I AM WORRIED/REALLY SCARED I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM!!! I know that AA meetings won't be enough...having withdrawl symptoms when I'm not drinking... I really believe that I need inpatient treatment...however with OTHER cir****tances I WON'T get into in this post...OUTPATIENT is the only option!!! I do know that AA meetings WILL not help me on the level that I need! It's based on the "Big Book"/12 steps....everyone reads...barely any time to share..and if shared it needs to be related to the chapter that was read out loud!!! I did NOT get much out of that...maybe once SOBER for awhile I'll appreciatr and get strength from that...but that seems so far out of reach right now!!! Honestly, simply put...I don't WANT TO F#UP this new JOB, I WANT to leave HUBBY (13 yr story...complicated with two young kids) I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART I NEED INPATIENT TREATMENT....BUT AM HOPING I CAN DO OUTPATIENT AROUND THIS JOB! DESPERATE...got lots of info from the ER tonight (by the way, I got a liter of IV fluids mixed with vits, b-12 shot...and was told my Hgb (9.7) , ferrition, b12 was LOW!! I was a little dehydrated, but hey weren't to concerned..recommended that I drink lots of water ect and that I need to follow up with my primary this week! I admitted to the ER DR. that even though I've been seenin' her for years..I've let onto "my problem!" ER doc. is planning on CALLLING my primary to give her a heads up before I can get in to see her!!! (Now that's patients proactive sevice)!!!! KUDOS! I've always fallen for the "ROMEO" in Hubby...which lookin back is only when he feels TREATENED with our relationship....he states numberous times that he does NOT want to be a "weekend dad!" OMG, I so want our family, our personal relationship to be in sick ect..... yet, I feel as though I'm NOT loved, apreciated, repected, cared for ect!!! OKAY, I'm SO SORRY!!! I'm writing a NOVEL here!!! SO much has happened over the yrs...and esp. the last few months!!! I haven't had ANYONE to REALLY CONFIDE IN!!! Inpatient or outpatient...based on your GUT instinct after eading this post!!!!! BIG HUGS, DAISY!!!!!!!!!!!

Daisy! My computer has been out of service for over one week! Sorry to be so slow to respond. You may need inpatient help. That doesn't mean you cannot do it outpatient. You have to use every resource you have available to you. Your Dr, your AA group and anything else. Some companies offer treatment by calling 800 numbers. Check your benefits package. I do not think they can hold it against you. I know you are feeling all emotional and probably having trouble thinking clearly due to the committee in your head tALKING SO LOUD BUT.... find someone, hubby, friend,Dr someone to help you be clear about your benefits package and what your option are. Many hugs, Laurie